EFTA01160176

place to stay. Thus from thinking 
that he had relatives 
all along the waterfront it turned 
out that in 
actual fact he had only two people 
who were his true 
extended family 
one was a 
blood-relative, another 
was a neighbour who remembered 
a favour. 
B. IMPORTANCE OF 
HELPING ONE'S 
EXTENDED FAMILY 
B.1 We cannot remain 
independent throughout life 
Sometimes we are young and 
independent and we 
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think that we could live 
self-sufficient in the world 
without having to take an interest 
in anyone else. If 
Blessing Seventeen: Looking After 
One's Extended Family 207 
we think we are independent, often 
it will cause us 
to think that everyone else should 
make themselves 
independent too and as a result we 
may turn a deaf 
ear to the pleas for help of others 
who are in need. 
The reality of the situation is that 
(in spite of the 
presence or absence of a welfare 
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state) it is only for 
part of our lives that we can expect 
to be independent. 
If we are a child who is too young 
to look after 
himself or a senior citizen who is 
too old to look 
after themselves, or a wife who is 
heavily pregnant 
or if we get ill, all of a sudden we 
realize that we 
need to rely on other people too. In 
times of disaster, 
such as fire or a death in the family 
or criminal 
proceedings, again we have to turn 
to others for 
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help. Also during the rites of 
passage of our life, 
whether we are starting our first 
business or getting 
married or having our first child 
then again, it 
is unlikely that we will have a very 
smooth right of 
passage without the help of those 
who are closest 
to us. Like the lone pine exposed 
unprotected to 
the wind we will soon be uprooted 
if we don't seek 
the support and shelter of our 
friends and family. 
For some people these needs are 
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just occurring from 
time to time. For others, the need 
may last for many 
years. And when the need occurs, 
the thing which 
causes people to suffer the most 
boils down to four 
main things: shortage of 
funds/ability to borrow 
things, shortage of encouragement, 
shortage of 
manpower/advice, lack of security. 
We already met 
these four needs in previous 
lessons, especially in 
the workplace. If we are able to 
understand the 
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needs (entitled to) by each sector 
of our family, we 
will be better able to see the 
opportunities to help 
other members of our family in the 
things that matter 
to them. 
B.2 Collective merit of a family 
needs unity 
The important thing to understand 
about helping 
our extended family is that it 
promotes the unity 
and solidarity of our family and 
society at large. It 
allows the family or the society we 
live in to maintain 
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a certain level of collective merit. 
However, if 
in a family or society there are a 
few troublemakers 
who do nothing to care for their 
extended family, 
they can destroy the good name of 
the family or 
the society and lead the collective 
merit of that society 
to break down — in the way a 
small number 
of Thai drug-smugglers have given 
the whole nation 
a bad reputation. 
B.3 Making the world a more 
peaceful place 
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There are many international 
organizations campaigning 
for human rights and world peace 
— however 
the Buddha's approach to creating 
peace was 
slightly different. He proposed that 
we should try 
to make everybody in the world 
into our extended 
family. If other people don't share 
this philosophy, 
it doesn't matter how many peace 
organizations 
come into existence, they will not 
be enough to solve 
the problems of world peace. We 
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will not even be 
able to solve the problems of gang 
fights in the 
neighbourhood let alone world 
wars. The thing 
which really can help the situation 
are the minds of 
men who believe the other people 
of the world do 
be their true extended family. 
However, the Buddha 
didn't say that if everybody in the 
world is an 
extended family it will give rise to 
happiness, he 
said that `help your extended 
family and it willbring 
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its results'. 
Thus if you come to the real reason 
for helping 
our extended family you will see 
that it is the basis 
of harmony/unity in society. It is 
the only value 
that will spread the feeling that the 
whole of the 
world is of the same family. To 
bring peace to the 
world you have to start with the 
smallest viable 
unit. You cannot start by making 
the world `out 
there' peaceful. It is like someone 
who wants to 
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build a large skyscraper. One 
might prepare many 
blueprints and designs but all this 
will come to nothing 
if you don't take care of the quality 
of the building 
materials such as sand and cement 
then no matter 
how good your design is the 
building will soon 
collapse. However, if you 
concentrate on the quality 
of the materials, so that there is no 
dust or splinters 
of wood mixed up with the sand, 
you make a 
careful control of the size of 
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gravel, you make sure 
that the steel is not rusted or bent, 
then apart from 
building an attractive skyscraper 
you will also build 
to last. 
In the same way, if we want to 
build a society 
which is one of quality then we 
have to start with 
the buildings blocks of society 
which are the c1os208 
A Manual of Peace: 38 Steps 
towards Enlightened Living 
est to us and that means our 
relations with our extended 
family. 
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C. LOOKING AFTER YOUR 
EXTENDED 
FAMILY 
C.1 Appropriate times to help 
We have already mentioned that 
there are certain 
times when people lose their 
independence and 
have special need of the support of 
the extended 
family around them. The following 
circumstances 
are times when it is particularly 
important for us to 
pay attention to looking after our 
extended family: 
1. When our extended family fall 
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on hard times 
and are without refuge. Supposing 
a child in 
our extended family is orphaned 
then perhaps 
we will take on such a child to 
look after for 
herself. 
2. When our extended family 
needs investment 
to set themselves up in life. 
Sometimes a family 
cannot go as far in its education as 
it would 
like to because its own family is 
unable to pay 
its way into higher education, even 
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though 
the child has the potential to go 
further. 
3. When our extended family 
needs to travel but 
has no transport 
4. When our extended family lacks 
necessary 
equipment for pursuing their 
livelihood. 
5. When some of our extended 
family is ill 
6. When there is some special 
occasion e.g. usually 
we don't pay much attention to our 
extended 
family, but on the occasion of the 
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wedding 
of someone in our extended 
family, and 
they need to set themselves up in 
life, maybe 
we will help to be the sponsor. 
Maybe you will 
help with the expenses involved 
with a funeral 
in the family or an ordination in 
the family. 
7. When someone in our family is 
unjustly accused 
of something they didn't do. 
8. When someone in the family is 
affected by 
natural disasters. 
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C.2 Emotional Bunk Account us 
the basis of 
help for one's family 
There are four main ways in which 
you can assist 
your extended family. We call 
these the Four Bases 
of Sympathy [salgahavatthu]: 
I. Helping with resources [dAna]: 
This means giving 
or lending whatever we can spare 
which are 
useful to our extended family. All 
of these things 
sound easy but when we come to 
practising, they 
are not so simple. All it takes is 
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one of our extended 
family to come borrowing 5,000 or 
10,000 
when our salary is hardly enough 
to cover the 
month's overheads. If they come 
borrowing 
100,000 you would hardly take 
their request seriously 
any more. If we are still in 
difficulties 
about being generous to others at 
this point this 
is telling us that our cultivation of 
blessings at 
the level of Blessings Fourteen and 
Fifteen is not 
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yet sufficient. If we are not really 
very earnest or 
efficient in the work that we do, 
and we never 
keep any savings then we still have 
our weaknesses. 
Thus if we are thorough in our 
thinking 
instead of thinking that it is enough 
just to cover 
our own basic needs, we have to 
think also of 
the eventuality of our extended 
family needing 
to rely on us as well. If you are 
skilful in the application 
of these principles you will find 
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that 
the members of your extended 
family are always 
on the increase and you will never 
be short of 
help in times of need. Even if 
beggars come to 
our door, we should find 
something to help them 
with, according to our means. In 
the old days, 
men would always keep a little 
money in reserve 
for times of need. If anyone came 
to them in need, 
at least they would not lose their 
friendship. (see 
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