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of his practice of 
Blessing Sixteen: Dhamma 
Practice 203 
self-mortification. But the King 
had not believed 
him. He had more confidence in 
his own son than 
that. The Buddha told him that it 
was not the first 
lifetime that the King had had such 
confidence in 
him as a son. 
In a previous lifetime when the 
Buddha had been 
studying in a town away from 
home with his 
teacher DisApAmokkha, a young 
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student died. The 
Buddha told his teacher that where 
he lived, noone 
younger than 100 could die. The 
teacher didn't 
believe him, so took some goats 
bones and took 
them to the Buddha's father saying 
that he had returned 
the bones of his son who had 
passed away 
in the course of his studies. At that 
time the Buddha's 
father had not believed him either. 
Not even 
the children in that village would 
believe him. The 
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reason why everybody in that 
village was so longlived 
was that for seven generations, 
everyone in 
the village had been practicing all 
of the Tenfold 
Path of Wholesomeness described 
above. 
E.4 Ex. RAjovAda JAtaka (J.334) 
Once the king of Benares, wishing 
to discover if he 
ruled justly, travelled about in 
disguise, and, in the 
course of his wanderings, came to 
the Himalayas, 
where the Bodhisatva lived as an 
ascetic. The ascetic 
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gave him ripe figs, and, when 
asked why they 
were so sweet, explained that the 
king of the country 
was evidently a just ruler. The king 
returned to 
his kingdom and ruled unjustly for 
a while — returning 
again to the hermitage, he found 
that the 
figs had become bitter. 
204 A Manual of Peace: 38 Steps 
towards Enlightened Living 
Blessing Seventeen: Looking After 
One's Extended Family 205 
A. INTRODUCTION 
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A.1 Place of Blessing Seventeen 
in the sequence 
A notable quality of the numerical 
teachings of the 
Lord Buddha are they become 
successively deeper 
in the order in which they are 
taught. There is never 
an example of teachings of the 
Buddha skipping 
details. Dhamma is like a coastline 
which gets progressively 
deeper as you go further and 
further out 
to sea until at its furthest extent it 
comes to the deepest 
point at the bottom of the ocean. 
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(Uposatha 
Sutta: Ud.51) If you learn the 
teachings in the order 
they were intended, you will be 
able to discern the 
progression of complexity that is 
contained in the 
order. It is not like conventional 
work where you 
can do things in any order. 
Furthermore, in Buddhism 
we always start with ourselves and 
gradually 
expand the circle of influence of 
our good deeds 
for the benefit of those around us. 
With the Manual 
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of Peace, we start with ourselves, 
learning about 
how to do good deeds, we learn 
how to make ourselves 
useful to society. Once we have 
taken care of 
ourselves, only then do we turn our 
attention to 
looking after others in our family. 
We start by looking 
after our own parents, offspring 
and spouse. 
Once our close family is 
harmonious and welloff, 
we can further enlarge the 
influence of our good 
deeds to look after our extended 
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family. From our 
extended family we can spread the 
goodwill further 
and further until our goodwill 
extends to everyone 
in the world. 
Looking after our extended family 
looks as if it 
ought to be easy but when it comes 
down to it, it is 
not as easy as we imagined. You 
may have heard 
examples of families where the 
whole of the family 
has always helped one another 
until everybody in 
the family manages to set 
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themselves up properly 
in life. On the other hand you may 
have heard of 
families where the internal politics 
is so complicated 
that no-one dares to associate with 
them. One 
strange thing for "care of the 
extended family" is 
that instead of tacking it on to the 
end of blessings 
eleven, twelve and thirteen as the 
fourteenth Blessing, 
the Buddha first inserts teachings 
on how to 
earn our living (Blessing 
Fourteen), the art of generosity 
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(Blessing Fifteen) and how to 
practice 
Dhamma (Blessing Sixteen) in 
between. Some people 
might dismiss this as insignificant, 
but there is 
a reason why looking after our 
extended family 
comes much later than looking 
after our close family: 
• it is not so urgent as looking 
after the members 
of our close family. 
• it is a major investment of time, 
energy and 
money. 
• done in a clumsy way, it might 
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be misunderstood 
as favouritism or nepotism. 
Thus we need to know how to earn 
our living in 
the proper way first so that we will 
have a good 
enough financial position to help 
others. Also we 
have to practice Dhamma, ie. we 
must be fair, because 
otherwise favouritism will creep in 
as our mo-
Blessing Seventeen: 
Looking After 
One's Extended 
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Family 
206 A Manual of Peace: 38 Steps 
towards Enlightened Living 
tivation for helping those around 
us. Instead of 
making the world a more peaceful 
place, our bias 
will make the world worse rather 
than better. Thus 
when you help your extended 
family it must not 
be in things that are causing a 
break with the Precepts 
or with virtue — otherwise some 
will use this 
blessing as an excuse for 
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corruption. 
A.2 Definition: `Looking after 
one's extended family' 
We can divide all our 
acquaintances in the world 
into two groups: 
• our close family: our parents, 
husband, wife, 
parents in law and our sons and 
daughters; 
• our extended family: all of our 
blood relations 
apart from our close family (e.g. 
aunts, uncles, 
cousins, grandparents etc.), those 
who we 
trust and have concern for, close 
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friends (but 
maybe not those who are no more 
than acquaintances 
or colleagues), spiritual teachers 
and fellow spiritual practitioners. 
For the group of our close family 
because of our 
debt of gratitude to our parents 
(see Blessing 
Eleven) or because if we have a 
husband, wife or 
children they are as a result of our 
own choice, as 
we have seen from Blessings 
Twelve and Thirteen 
our duties and our fulfilling of the 
"Emotional Bank 
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Account" [salgahavatthu] towards 
these groups 
needs to be unconditional. 
For your extended family, usually 
the degree of 
expected commitment is less. You 
don't see your 
extended family every day or have 
to live with 
them. Therefore you have space to 
breath between 
visits (unlike your close family 
where you have no 
space to breath). It may only be 
now and then that 
you have the opportunity to help a 
member of your 
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extended family or a trusted friend, 
but when you 
do have the opportunity, you have 
to make a good 
job of it, or else it may destroy or 
make awkward 
your previously good relationship. 
Because you 
have not `chosen' your extended 
family voluntarily/ 
intentionally, the expectations for 
how much 
support you can give them, is less. 
It is usually expected 
to be `conditional' i.e. to give 
support, something 
is expected in return. Thus when 
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we talk of 
looking after our extended family, 
we mean giving 
assistance according to the 
Emotional Bank Account 
[salgahavatthu] on a conditional or 
`one-off basis. 
A.3 Finding out who your 
extended family is 
Sometimes we are not sure of the 
size of our extended 
family (both our blood-relations 
and our trusted 
friends), but we will surely find 
out when we are in 
our times of need. 
Once close to Dhammakaya 
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Temple, there was a 
boy who came and helped with the 
building of the 
temple road seven or eight years 
previously. When 
the road was finished, there was a 
lot of surplus timber. 
The boy had not yet set himself up 
in life and 
had no house of his own so the 
vice-abbot gave him 
the timber to build himself his first 
house. The young 
man was very appreciative of the 
timber but he admitted 
that if he had to work on the house 
himself 
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(he could not afford to hire a 
carpenter) it would take 
him many months to complete. 
The vice abbot asked 
him how many people he had in 
his family. He said 
that he was related to practically 
everyone on the 
waterfront. The vice-abbot said 
that within a few 
days of starting to build his house 
he would know 
how many members he had in his 
extended family 
— the vice-abbot asked him to go 
to everyone he 
thought was one of his extended 
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family and explain 
that he was short of the wages he 
needed to employ 
a carpenter. The man went to 
everyone who he 
thought had goodwill towards him. 
It turned out that 
all along the waterfront no-one 
would help him except 
for two people — his stepbrother 
who lent him 
what he could and a farmer from 
another province 
who had stayed in the family house 
of the boy when 
he had first arrived in town and 
was looking for a 
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