EFTA01160176

budgetting scheme of Blessing 
Fifteen §E.2) If you 
can't afford to lend them money, at 
least give 
them advice. Even if you can't 
give them advice, 
maybe you can give them the 
busfare to reach 
the houses of other friends who 
may be able to 
help more. 
2. Endearing speech [piyavAcA]: 
This means speaking 
in a way that is not at all upsetting 
to our 
extended family and not looking 
down on them 
EFTA01161856

either. Normally we are able to be 
polite to others 
the whole of the time. However if 
we are irritable 
or in bad mood, even though we 
may try 
to say things politely, they never 
seem to come 
out as we intended — especially 
when we have 
to give reasons for things instead 
of telling people 
"just do what I say". The other 
time when it 
Blessing Seventeen: Looking After 
One's Extended Family 209 
is difficult for us to speak politely 
EFTA01161857

is the time 
when others come asking for help 
from us but 
we have to refuse. Refusing in a 
way that is gentle 
is no easy thing. If you have never 
made the 
effort to speak politely before then 
it is at this 
point that you will say something 
thay you may 
regret for years to come. Maybe 
you didn't realize 
that the 300 or 500 that they have 
been giving 
us willingly all these years has 
been the last 
EFTA01161858

cents out of their purse every time. 
For them they 
didn't think that the money they 
gave was insignificant, 
but they thought of the fact that 
they 
were prepared to empty out their 
purse even to 
the last cent every time we came 
asking. If we 
speak insensitively every time 
when they have 
cause to come asking us for help, 
then that may 
be the end of any relationship we 
ever had to 
them. Just a few ill considered 
EFTA01161859

words may mean 
that we cannot look each other in 
the eye any 
more for the rest of our lives. It is 
very frightening 
what words can do. It is strange 
that when 
we are children we tend not to hide 
our feelings 
because we aren't concerned about 
what other 
people think of us. Our moods 
fluctuate between 
tantrums and laughs thoughout the 
whole of the 
day. However, when we grow 
older, the same is 
EFTA01161860

no longer true. A few ill chosen 
words from another 
adult and even if they were to 
come back 
asking your forgiveness with a gift 
of a million, 
you would still be reluctant to 
speak to them. 
Therefore start training yourself in 
endearing 
speech from this day on, so that 
when it comes 
to situations where you are taxed 
for words you 
won't risk being ostracised from 
your own family 
3. Lending a helping hand 
EFTA01161861

[atthacariya]: This 
means helping our extended family 
out when 
they have work to be done. Even if 
you don't 
have money to lend, you are still 
strengthening 
the bonds of friendship within your 
extended 
family by giving them a helping 
hand. 
4. Being consistent to one's duty 
[samanatthattha]: 
This means giving others 
familiarity 
and confidence 
and not doing 
things that create 
EFTA01161862

suspicion. You need to conduct 
yourself in a 
way befitting your status in the 
eyes of your extended 
family. Sometimes members of our 
extended 
family may have received only a 
low level 
of education. Sometimes they may 
not know the 
appropriate way to behave in a 
particular situation. 
Maybe all they know is that 
`Whitey' is their 
grandson — but what they don't 
realise is that 
Mr. White is also the Managing 
EFTA01161863

Director of a firm. 
Thus when they visit Mr. White at 
his work and 
shout, "Come here Whitey!" at 
first Mr. White 
may have to listen patiently to the 
stream of 
things they have for him to help 
them with, but 
only later, when the situation is 
more relaxed on 
both sides will he be able to point 
out the reasons 
for things, step by step. If you are 
not able 
to help with everything they ask 
then you must 
EFTA01161864

find a way of helping them but in a 
more feasible 
way. 
C.3 Spiritual ways to help 
`extended family' 
Apart from helping people with 
material things, we 
can also help people with Dhamma 
(teachings). To 
give Dhamma to people is often 
even more important 
than the physical things we give to 
people. It 
can be especially important when 
we come to help 
members of our extended family 
who are already 
EFTA01161865

materially self-sufficient but who 
are still a long way 
from spiritual pursuits such as 
generosity or keeping 
the precepts. You might invite 
your aunt to go 
to the temple but she complains of 
having too many 
aches and pains to go to the temple 
today. Therefore 
you give her a helping hand by 
driving a car 
to pick her up from her doorstep to 
take her to the 
temple and return her to her temple 
in the evening. 
So she complains that she doesn't 
EFTA01161866

have anything to 
give at the temple, so you say that 
you have already 
prepared all the food to offer at the 
temple and that 
all she needs to do is to offer it. 
Thus she agrees to 
go to the temple and later as she 
gets more familiar 
with the customs of the temple, 
later she will want 
to go without anyone prodding her 
— and before 
long she will want to be generous, 
keep the precepts 
and meditate without others having 
to give 
EFTA01161867

her encouragement all of the time. 
You might have 
a relative who has already got a 
good job but because 
he is still childish and irresponsible 
he is unable 
to set himself up properly in life. If 
you can 
210 A Manual of Peace: 38 Steps 
towards Enlightened Living 
persuade such a person to take 
leave from work to 
ordain as a monk during the 
vacation, and you 
make all the arrangements for him 
and make him 
aware of all the advantages. Then 
EFTA01161868

that would be 
called looking after your extended 
family spiritually. 
C.4 Choosing the sort of family to 
help 
It is not every sort of family who 
will benefit from 
help you might try to give them. If 
you would like 
to maximize the amount of merit 
and satisfaction 
you gain from caring for your 
extended family, give 
priority to families who: 
• Make an earnest effort to help 
themselves 
first — not the sort who come 
EFTA01161869

running to you 
every time there is a minor 
problem and never 
think to try to solve their own 
problems 
• Those who are of good conduct, 
who are 
grateful, humble and courteous 
and who 
aren't mixed up with the `Roads to 
Ruin' 
D. ILLUSTRATIVE 
EXAMPLES 
D.1 Metaphor: Lone pine cannot 
survive in 
strong wind 
The Lord Buddha taught that all of 
EFTA01161870

the trees that 
stand together in the forest will 
help each other 
mutually giving shelter from the 
gales and storms, 
sun and rain. By offering each 
other shelter, each 
tree is protected from being 
uprooted. On the other 
hand the largest tree (the king of 
the forest) in the 
forest must endure the strong 
winds alone and in 
the end it cannot survive every 
storm. In the same 
way if anyone tries to go it alone in 
the swift currents 
EFTA01161871

of society, without the help of any 
friends and 
relatives, will eventually come to a 
sticky end. On 
the other hand, even if someone in 
society is not 
particularly outstanding in any 
respect, if they have 
sufficient friends and family who 
can help them in 
times of need, they will be able to 
overcome all difficulties 
that cross their path. If they run for 
election, 
without much canvassing they can 
soon be 
elected without much trouble. 
EFTA01161872

D.2 Ex. VaEEaka JAtaka (J.33) 
The bodhisattva was once a quail. 
There was a 
fowler who enticed quails by 
imitating their cry and 
then throwing a net over them. The 
bodhisattva 
suggested that when the fowler did 
this, they 
should all fly away with the net. 
This they did, day 
after day, and the fowler returned 
empty-handed 
until eventually his wife grew 
angry. One day, two 
of the quails started quarrelling 
and the 
EFTA01161873

bodhisattva, hearing their 
wrangling, decided to go 
elsewhere with his following. 
When the fowler 
came again and spread the net, the 
two quails 
started quarrelling and he was able 
to capture them. 
D.3 Ex. War in KaliIga 
(DhA.iii.254ff.) 
Kapilavatthu, the town of the 
Sakyans, and 
Koliya, the town of the Koliyans 
were situated 
on either side of the Rohini River. 
The farmers of 
both towns irrigated their fields 
EFTA01161874

from this river. 
One year, due to severe drought 
their paddy and 
other crops were threatened, and 
the farmers on 
both sides wanted to divert the 
water from the 
Rohini River to their own fields. 
Those living in 
Koliya wanted to divert and 
channel the water 
to irrigate their field. However, the 
farmers from 
Kapilavatthu protested that they 
would be denied 
the use of the water and their crops 
would 
EFTA01161875