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love of a husband 
for his wife and his appreciation of 
her virtues. 
Such generosity can mend many 
marriages. It 
breathes a new air of life into a 
relationship. A 
husband should take his wife 
shopping for 
things she wants to buy. He should 
encourage 
her to do the things she wants to do 
sometimes 
to allow her to get out of the house 
occasionally. 
C.2.4 Five duties of a wife to her 
husband 
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The duties of a wife to her husband 
are as follows: 
I. She see to the proper care of 
the household. The 
wife should see to it that the house 
become a 
heavenly mansion 
the house 
should be peaceful, 
the food nourishing and 
appropriate in taste 
to the age and the health of the 
family members. 
2. She must take proper care of 
the `in-laws. The 
wife must look after her `in-laws' 
especially well 
(within the limits of her 
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convenience). She must 
be especially careful what she says 
to them because 
a few ill chosen words can have 
serious 
consequences. 
3. She must never be unfaithful: 
Because a Buddhist 
wife is a woman of virtue it goes 
without saying 
that she refrains from the Four 
Defilements of 
Action [kammakilesa]: killing, 
stealing, adultery 
and telling lies. She would thus 
never be unfaithful 
to her husband, because doing so 
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would destroy 
the human dignity of herself and 
her husband. 
4. She must take good care of the 
shared wealth: A 
wife should look after the shared 
wealth of the 
household responsibly 
being 
neither 
extravagent nor stingy. This 
implies that the husband 
goes out to work but entrusts his 
wife with 
the money for the administration 
of the family 
finances. 
5. She must be conscientious in 
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her responsibilities: 
Having been entrusted with the 
responsibility 
of looking after the household and 
the family 
she should see to it that these 
duties are properly 
fulfilled — rather than lazing 
around at 
home or doing other work to the 
neglect of the 
household. 
C.2.5 Reciprocal relationship 
between husband 
and wife
From the SilgalovAda Sutta we 
learn that a husband 
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has duties towards his wife and a 
wife has 
duties towards her husband. In the 
ideal world, 
both the husband and wife will 
fulfil their side of 
the bargain and in doing so, no 
danger will grow 
up in the relationship or for society 
at large — there 
will be happiness and prosperity 
both for husband, 
wife and society at large. 
If the husband fulfils his duties 
according to Blessing 
Thirteen but the wife doesn't, it 
can be said that 
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the wife has done nothing to 
deserve such a good 
husband. In addition, certain harm 
will come to the 
family. 
If the wife fulfils her duties 
according to Blessing 
Thirteen but the husband doesn't, 
it can be said that 
the husband has done nothing to 
deserve such a 
good wife. In addition, certain 
harm will come to 
the family. 
Blessing Thirteen: Cherishing our 
Husband or Wife 173 
If the neither the husband nor the 
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wife fulfil their 
duties according to Blessing 
Thirteen, certain harm 
will come not only to the family 
but to society at 
large too. 
C.2.6 Ten further principles of 
happily married 
life 
Finally for the married couple we 
are fortunate to 
have passed down to us in the 
Buddhist tradition 
the ten-fold advice given to 
VisAkhA by her father 
Dhanalicaya on the day of her 
wedding 
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(DhA.i.384ff.): 
1. Don't let the fire inside go 
outside: don't go 
spreading the secret problems from 
inside the 
house for people outside to know 
about; 
2. Don't let the fire outside come 
inside: don't 
bring gossip of problems from 
elsewhere into 
the house, especially gossip that is 
of no benefit 
to know; 
3. Give to those who give to us: 
help those who 
have helped us in the past 
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especially the parents 
of both the husband and the wife. 
Let them 
borrow things. If you lend things 
to people and 
they return them punctually, you 
should lend 
things to them a second time; 
4. Don't give to those who give 
nothing to us: 
Don't lend things to people who 
never return 
them or return them late or to those 
who in the 
past have refused to help us even 
though it is 
withing their capability to do so; 
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5. Whether they give or not, be 
generous anyway: 
Whether they have helped us 
before or not, if 
they are our relatives and they 
have fallen on 
hard times, you should help them 
anyway. It 
doesn't matter if they return 
money given or 
not because their inability to return 
it is through 
circumstances beyond their 
control; 
6. Make sure that the food is 
amenable: Make sure 
the meals served to your family are 
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nutricious 
— and serve your in-laws with 
good food too. 
You may have to eat after your 
children have 
finished their meal 
but if all the 
family are 
well provided for in terms of food, 
you too will 
have no problems when it comes to 
eating; 
7. Find an amenable place to sit: 
This means the 
wife must know relative level of 
respect due to 
others - for example it would be 
insulting to 
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sit on a higher level than one's 
in-laws. 
8. Find an amenable place to 
sleep: You should 
make sure that the sleeping place 
of everyone 
in the family is restful. Be 
prepared to get up 
before anyone else in the family 
and go to sleep 
when everyone else has already 
gone to bed. 
9. Keep the fire going: that is to 
take special care of 
one's in-laws and husband when 
they are "on 
fire" (i.e. in a bad temper) 
even 
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if they should 
speak in an unpleasant way to us, it 
is necessary 
to hold our silence instead of 
answering 
back — to say the right thing at the 
wrong time 
will only make the situation worse. 
Sometimes 
the wife must wait until things 
have "quietened 
down" before explaining the real 
reason for a 
situation. 
10. Be respectful to the angels: to 
congratulate one's 
husband or inlaws when they do 
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listen to sermons and meditate. 
Some are scared 
to encourage their spouse to have 
too much involvement 
with spirituality in case they turn 
professional 
and leave them to bring up the 
family 
alone. Some men say, "I want a 
wife in the home 
not a nun." However, if one's wife 
stays at home 
and also keeps the Precepts then 
we should be 
thankful (especially for the third 
precept). In the 
same way, wives can forbid their 
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husbands from 
going to the temple more easily 
than they can 
prohibit them from unfaithfulness. 
At least if they 
go to the temple regularly they will 
be more 
motivated to be faithful to their 
wife. 
2. Teach your spouse how to do 
chanting so that 
they have a refuge for the mind. If 
people have 
fear and shame of evil then they 
have virtually 
no vulnerability to adultery. 
Chanting and re/ 74 
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A Manual of Peace: 38 Steps 
towards Enlightened Living 
spect for the Triple Gem is the 
basis of fear and 
shame of evil. 
C.3 Analyzing marriage 
breakdown 
In the olden days, if a piece of a 
equipment or a 
pair of shoes were worn or broken, 
the owner would 
always take care to have it mended 
as new. No matter 
how much effort it took to have it 
mended, the 
owner would be prepared to make 
the sacrifices 
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because it would be unthinkably 
extravagent to buy 
another piece of the same sort of 
equipment or a 
new pair of shoes for as long as 
there were even a 
remote possibility of mending the 
old. Our modern 
society however, has turned into a 
`throwaway' 
society. We replace things merely 
because they are 
worn, or obselete or unfashionable 
and it is even 
a pleasure when something breaks 
because at last 
you have "a legitimate excuse" to 
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buy a new one. 
Such attitudes towards possessions 
at the worst are 
wasteful, but when they are 
applied not to objects, 
but to friendships and marriages, 
they tend to lower 
one's threshold of patience and 
loyalty. 
Divorce is becoming so common 
in our society 
that in some countries, 
single-parent families are 
as common as those with both 
parents! How can 
we analyse a marriage that is 
breaking up in order 
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