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being 
on the same communicative 
"wavelength" —
neither suffering overly from 
stubborness. 
In addition, concerning 
compatability, the Buddha 
warned of the perils of an old man 
bringing home 
a young girl as a wife: 
(When) an old man takes as a wife 
a vigourous 
young girl and cannot sleep, 
because 
of his possessiveness for her, this 
leads to his 
downfall. 
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ParAbhava Sutta, SN.20 v.109-10 
C.1.2 Marrying your spouse 
In the time of the Buddha, there 
was no such thing 
as a legal registration of marriages. 
A man and a 
woman mutually decided to accept 
each other as 
husband and wife and thereafter 
they lived together. 
Their marriage was carried out in 
the presence 
of the lay-community rather than 
in the presence 
of the spiritual community. 
In the present day, however, legal 
registration of 
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a marriage is required. Details 
differ from country 
to country and Buddhism supports 
whatever complies 
with the Law. However, there 
remains no specific 
Buddhist ritual or procedure to 
conduct a marriage. 
Buddhism recognizes the traditions 
and cultures 
practised by people in different 
countries —
hence Buddhist wedding rituals 
differ from one 
country to another. In general, 
there will be a religious 
service for blessing and to give 
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advice to the 
new couple, performed either in 
the home or in the 
temple. 
Some hesitate over becoming 
"officially" married 
over concerns such as whether 
their marriage vows 
will substitute for affection as the 
bonds to hold the 
couple together! However, this 
misses the point of 
legalizing a marriage which is 
publically to recognize 
one's spouse. How do you think a 
wife would 
feel if her husband were too 
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embarrassed to admit 
he had married her? 
or how 
would the husband 
feel if his wife refused to wear a 
wedding ring? 
Marrying is about showing each 
other due respect 
and this is the foundation of the 
trust which unifies 
the couple. 
C.2 Maintaining a married 
relationship 
C.2.1 The challenge of married 
life 
Life in a long-term relationship is 
infinitely more 
demanding on one's store of 
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virtues than that of 
dating and first love. How can a 
couple preserve 
the joy of their initial encounters 
while developing 
the love and understanding to 
ensure a happy and 
stable marriage? How can partners 
respect their 
own dignity and that of their 
"better half' instead 
of running off to get a divorce or 
abortion after their 
first quarrel or dispute? 
C.2.2 Principles 
In a recent piece of research on the 
emotions, it was 
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discovered that immediately 
conflicts within a 
marriage lead to "stone-walling" 
(i.e. the husband 
and wife are no longer on speaking 
terms), the further 
life expectancy of the marriage 
will not exceed 
three years (John Gottman, What 
Predicts Divorce). 
Conflicts can not be avoided in a 
marriage — the 
secret of happy marriage relies on 
keeping open 
channels of communication to deal 
with them. 
Blessing Thirteen: Cherishing our 
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Husband or Wife 171 
A surprise for many modern-day 
readers is that 
the Buddha never recommended 
"making yourself 
more attractive" or "being sexy" as 
a way to maintain 
a marriage. He addressed instead 
the gravest 
enemies of marriage: "distrust" 
and "suspicion". 
Maintaining good channels of 
communication 
according to the principle 
recommended by the 
Lord Buddha is to maintain a 
healthy "emotional 
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bank account" [saIgahavatthu] 
with one's marriage 
partner. There are four ways of 
maintaining a 
healthy emotional bank account 
with your partner 
as follows: 
I. Giving resources [dAna]: If two 
people are 
going to live together they must be 
able to 
share what they have with their 
partner. Any 
place that lacks giving will be 
parched like an 
emotional desert. Once married, all 
the property 
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once individually owned should be 
shared. To "keep back" something 
as an individual 
asset will only create suspicion —
and 
suspicion kills marriages. Thus it is 
important 
to keep open a channel of 
communication in 
the marriage whereby one partner 
can consult 
the other if they are suffering or 
are having 
problems with material resources. 
2. Endearing speech [piyavAcA]: 
A husband and 
wife should take care always to 
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address each 
other with polite speech, even in 
the case they 
need to criticize each other. 
Sometimes if 
things become too informal, 
careless words 
may touch on the "views" of the 
other partner 
and disturb the peacefulness of the 
family. 
After marriage, one should use the 
same 
standard of polite of speech used 
before marriage! 
3. Helpfulness [atthacariyA]: A 
husband and 
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wife need to lend each other a 
helping hand. 
Also if one of the partners learns 
something 
new concerning spiritual 
knowledge, they 
should share it with their spouse. 
When a conflict 
arises in the marriage, there is a 
huge 
temptation to put all the blame on 
the other 
partner instead of taking collective 
responsibility 
— but if both are well-versed in 
spiritual 
teachings, the couple will tend to 
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deal 
with the problem directly instead 
of merely 
looking for someone to blame. 
4. Consistency [samAnatatta]: 
Both husband 
and wife have implicit duties in the 
marriage 
(see details below) and to the 
degree they live 
up to these duties they will avoid 
the suspicions 
of their partner. If a husband has 
decided 
that his wife should take 
responsibility for the 
running of the house, he should not 
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subsequently 
come interfering in the household 
affairs. Sometimes 
"appropriateness" is not 
immediately evident for every 
situation —
sometimes it is hard to sense what 
your partner 
expects of you — but if both 
partners 
meditate on a daily basis, they will 
tune in 
more easily to consistently 
harmonious behaviours. 
C.2.3 Five duties of a husband to 
his wife 
Based on these four principles, in 
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the SiIgalovAda 
Sutta the Buddha advised of five 
duties a husband 
should fulfil towards his wife and 
five duties a wife 
should fulfil towards her husband. 
The duties of a 
husband are as follows: 
I. He must praise his wife: He 
should not keep a 
wife in secret. Once a man is 
married he should 
show off his wife in public, not 
keep his wife in 
secret. He should have a proper, 
lawful registration 
of his marriage. He should be 
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careful to treat 
his wife with respect, not 
criticising her personally 
in front of inferiors. 
2. He must never look down on 
his wife: Even 
though a couple is married doesn't 
mean that a 
husband will have an attitude of 
respect to his 
wife. Sometimes he may look 
down on her or 
even treat her like a slave or a pet 
animal. That a 
husband restrains himself from 
looking down on 
his wife in any way, shows his 
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responsibility for 
the human dignity of others. 
3. He must never be unfaithful: 
Because a Buddhist 
husband is a man of virtue it goes 
without saying 
that he refrains from the Four 
Defilements 
of Action [kammakilesa]: killing, 
stealing, adultery 
and telling lies. He would thus 
never be 
unfaithful to his wife, because 
doing so would 
destroy the human dignity of 
himself and his 
172 A Manual of Peace: 38 Steps 
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towards Enlightened Living 
wife. The feelings of a person who 
is found guilty 
of sexual misconduct are described 
in the Sutta 
Nipata: 
Whatever fame and reputation he 
had before, 
of course vanishes . . .in the grip of 
his 
fantasies, he broods like a beggar. 
Hearing 
the outrage of others, he gets depr 
essed 
hearing the spread of gossip, he 
then hides 
in his own embarrassment. He 
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cannot accept 
the criticism of others on this 
count, and 
may lie to those who try to counsel 
him. . . 
Tissametteyya Sutta, SN.160 
v.817-20 
4. He should give his wife the 
responsibility for 
looking after the house: To 
demonstrate his 
sincerety and trust for his wife, a 
husband must 
give his wife the final word in the 
organization 
of the household and the family 
without interfering. 
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If his wife is a "working mother" it 
doesn't 
make her any less responsible for 
the affairs of 
the home and the family, but 
husband and wife 
will need to come to an agreement, 
according to 
the principles of the "emotional 
bank account", 
whereby she can manage to keep 
on top of her 
domestic responsibilities without 
being overloaded. 
5. He should bring his wife gifts 
of clothing or 
jewellry: Such gifts express the 
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