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families in our society exacerbates 
the already 
grave problems faced by young 
people 
as well as affecting a country's 
economic stability; 
2. Misunderstanding of marriage: 
The covert 
social problem of 
misunderstanding of marriage 
stems from the fact that young 
people 
are getting married for the wrong 
reasons. 
Without any comprehension of 
how to lead a 
household, a majority of couples 
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these days 
seem to be marrying merely to 
fulfil their 
sexual fantasies. However, once 
married, 
when the reality of the situation 
sinks in, they 
find themselves ill-equipped to 
make a success 
of the family life. It is ironic that 
"sex education" 
has become a compulsory school 
subject 
at a time when society is plumbing 
the 
depths of marital problems and 
promiscuity. 
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In the olden days "sex education" 
was not 
taught, but somehow the 
"man-in-the-street" 
seemed to make less of a mess of 
his marital 
life! Maybe what they should be 
teaching in 
schools instead of "sex education" 
is "how to 
prepare yourself to be a good 
husband/wife" 
or "how to prepare yourself to be a 
good parent" 
9 
B. HUSBANDS AND WIVES 
B.1 Seven Types of Spouse 
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In a teaching to SujAtA, the 
daughter-in-law of 
AnAthapiAIika who was causing 
considerable friction 
in her own marriage as a result of 
ill-chosen 
words, the Buddha enumerated 
seven different 
sorts of spouse — some desirable, 
some undesirable 
(A.iv. 91ff., J.269). We can use 
these categories 
as a mirror on our own situation —
to throw light 
on possible room for improvement 
in our current 
or future relationships. The seven 
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categories of 
spouse are as follows: 
I. A spouse like an enemy 
[vadhaka samAbhariyA]: 
such a spouse is partial to all sorts 
of violence. 
Always looking for the opportunity 
to kill. Sometimes 
a couple was not wholehearted 
about marriage 
or their marriage was arranged. 
Only after 
they have been together for a while 
does the real 
personality of the partner manifest 
itself and they 
will always be beating one another. 
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Such a 
spouse is cruel to their partner 
instead of being 
compassionate, looking down on 
them, having 
no gratitude to them, and even 
going as far as 
attempting to kill their partner in 
some cases —
a spouse with such characteristics 
is a spouse like 
an enemy; 
2. A spouse like a robber [corE 
samAbhariyA]: No 
matter how much wealth the 
couple has, if one 
of the couple has such a character, 
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then it is like 
having someone in the house who 
is burning 
money the whole time until there is 
nothing left 
e.g. by gambling or extravagence. 
The people of 
old used to say that seven 
robberies of your 
house are better than your house 
burned down 
(because at least robbers leave the 
house behind) 
— and your house burning down 
seven times is 
Blessing Thirteen: Cherishing our 
Husband or Wife 169 
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better than being married to a 
gambler (because 
even though the house burns down, 
the land is 
still left). With gamblers, all your 
property is still 
not enough — they will even run 
up debts for 
you to service. Such a spouse is 
full of greed and 
tries deviously to extract as much 
of their partner's 
money as possible for their 
self-interest, 
without thinking how hard they 
have had to 
work to earn it 
a spouse with 
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such characteristics 
is a spouse like a robber; 
3. A spouse like a boss [ayyA 
samAbhariyA]: Where 
the categories of spouse above 
threatened your 
life or your possessions, the boss 
spouse will 
threaten your honour — the sort 
who pulls your 
ears or treats you like a child in 
front of your 
friends. They may be lazy 
constantly awaiting 
the chance to sit down or lie down 
and rest 
instead of helping with their 
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various duties, lacking 
helpfulness, and using threats and 
insults to 
goad their partner into doing their 
work in their 
place, but never accepting similar 
treatment from 
their partner — a spouse with such 
characteristics 
is a spouse like a boss; 
4. A spouse like a mother [mAtA 
samAbhariyA]: A 
mother has unlimited love for her 
children, forgiving 
all of their mistakes. Such a spouse 
will 
forgive their partner for anything 
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they do wrong. 
You will see the special features of 
such a spouse 
when their partner is ill or 
handicapped and they 
will look after their partner with 
the same care 
as they would look after one of 
their own children 
(without thinking of looking for a 
new partner). 
This is also true of a spouse whose 
partner 
dies when their children are still 
young, who 
carries on bringing up their 
children singlehanded 
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without thinking of taking a new 
partner. 
Such spouses tend to be full of 
compassion, 
loving their partner, helping and 
being a credit 
to their partner, looking after their 
partner's 
health when they are ill, like a 
mother would look 
after her own children — a spouse 
with such 
characteristics is a spouse like a 
mother. 
5. A spouse like a little sister 
[bhaginE 
samAbhariyA]: Such a spouse is 
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almost the same 
as the motherly spouse, but a little 
more playful, 
lonely, moody and emotional —
but at the same 
time truthful, honest and faithful. 
They tend to 
be ashamed of evil and fear the 
consequences of 
evil, respecting and looking up to 
their partner 
as if they were an older brother or 
sister — a 
spouse with such characteristics is 
a spouse like 
a little sister. 
6. A spouse like a friend [sahAya 
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samAbhariyA]: 
Such a spouse is one of similar 
background, 
tastes, education as their partner —
maybe they 
have known their partner since 
childhood. Such 
a couple tend not to have much 
sense of respect 
towards one another. Their level of 
morality will 
be similar and they can live quite 
happily together. 
Such a spouse will tend to be 
generous 
and sincere — empathizing with 
their partner 
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in all they do throughout their life 
like a friend 
who goes together through thick 
and thin — a 
spouse with such characteristics is 
a spouse like 
a friend. 
7. A spouse like a slave [dAsE 
samAbhariyA]: Usually 
the intelligence of such a spouse is 
less than 
that of their partner. They will be 
honest, they 
may want to serve their partner to 
the utmost 
but they may make mistakes. Such 
a spouse 
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tends to allow themself to be 
abused, slapped or 
beaten by their partner without 
becoming angry 
or vengeful and without blaming 
their partner 
— being contented to be 
completely dominated 
by them — a spouse with such 
characteristics is 
a spouse like a slave. 
Living together like these first 
three sorts couple is 
like being in hell from the time 
you are still alive. 
When such spouses die, then it will 
only be a continuation 
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of the retribution from all the 
terrible 
things the husband and wife have 
done to one another. 
They will pass away into hell at 
the end of 
their lives as a result of the bad 
karma they have 
accumulated for themselves. 
The remaining four types of 
spouse will pass 
away into heaven at the end of 
their lives as a result 
of the good karma they have 
accumulated for 
themselves. They all represent 
marriages which 
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have the chance of working out. 
Both husband and 
wife have a baseline of morality 
and are flexible. 
170 A Manual of Peace: 38 Steps 
towards Enlightened Living 
The marriages with spouses from 
categories "4" to 
"7" are in decreasing order of 
stability. Thus if you 
are already married then ask 
yourself which category 
you have worked yourself into —
as "4" is 
the most stable of all. 
C. DUTIES OF HUSBANDS 
AND WIVES 
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C.1 Getting Married 
C.1.1 Choosing a compatible 
husband or wife 
In order for a couple to stay 
together, it is necessary 
that they are compatible in terms 
fo the level of virtues 
they possess — particularly the 
following four 
"virtues of compatability" 
[samajEvi-dhamma]: 
I. faith [sama-saddha]: husband 
and wife 
should have the same level of 
spiritual faith 
and the same level of "aim in life" 
2. self-discipline [sama-sEla]: 
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husband and wife 
should have the same standards of 
Precepts, 
manners and etiquette as one 
another; 
3. self-sacrifice [sama-cAga]: 
husband and wife 
should have the same level of 
self-sacrifice in 
selflessly devoting themselves to 
generous 
deeds or helping others; 
4. wisdom [sama-palifiA]: husband 
and wife 
should have the same level of 
wisdom, creativity, 
empathy and common-sense 
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