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of their marriage, subsequently 
renouncing the 
world or those who marry only 
reluctantly out of 
respect for their parents' wishes, 
renouncing the 
world after the passing of their 
parents. 
A.2 Long-term Relationships: 
Marriage versus 
"living together" 
Buddhism advocates celibacy, it 
tolerates marriage, 
but prohibits promiscuity under its 
definition of 
"adultery". Although Buddhism's 
definition of 
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marriage is not black and white 
(see §C. below) it is 
clear that Buddhism does not 
support sexual relations 
between partners who take no 
responsibility 
for one another or the possible 
consequences of their 
liaisons. Let us examine the worst 
scenario for some 
of the material and abstract issues 
touched upon as 
the consequence of sexual 
relationships: 
1. sexually transmitted disease 
(possibly fatal) 
2. pregnancy (possibility of 
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handicapped child 
or subsequent miscarriage) 
3. emotional trauma and regret 
4. damage to reputation 
5. general undermining of health 
6. erosion of deeper meaning in the 
relationship 
by ephemoral pleasures 
Buddhism prohibits abortion 
(murder of an unborn 
child) but does not prohibit 
contraception. Recourse 
to contraception might 
superficially seem to remove 
responsiblity for "1" and "2" 
above — but closer 
examination reveals that 
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contraception does not offer 
100% protection from either. Who 
is going to be 
there for the girl to comfort her if 
she has a miscarriage? 
Who is going to pay for the 
upbringing of a 
child born out of wedlock? Will he 
still love her if 
she is disfigured by infection with 
HIV? These are 
consequences which apply 
irrespective of the cultural 
traditions of the society you find 
yourself 
in.The reader can answer for 
themselves what sort 
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of relationship a couple needs to 
have built for 
themselves to be willing to 
shoulder all six of these 
possible risks implicit in their 
sexual liaison. For a 
couple to face up mutually to the 
responsibilities 
of living together and having 
sexual intercourse, 
demands enormous sacrifices on 
both sides. It is 
these sacrifices and responsibilities 
the Buddha 
teaches about in the Thirteenth 
Blessing. On a 
brighter note, living together 
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should not be the 
"end" of young peoples' 
idealism— it can and 
should be the start of something 
yet more beautiful. 
At this point, it should be added 
however, that 
the western mass media 
consistently lull the public 
into a false sense of security 
concerning the risks 
of promiscuous sex. 
A.3 Sexual discrimination in 
Buddhism? 
In this day and age, many people 
are concerned 
about equal rights for men and 
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women, but find 
that religions often harbour the 
worst of sexual discrimination. 
Before embarking upon the advice 
to 
married couples that follows, it is 
necessary to 
qualify the advice by saying the 
temprament of men 
and women are not the same in the 
eyes of the Buddha. 
Masculinity and femininity are 
distinct qualities 
equivalent to the elements of earth, 
water, fire 
and air that make up our bodies. 
One is not superior 
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to the other, but harm can come 
about when 
one becomes enamoured these 
features of one's 
own or another's gender (e.g. 
SaOyoga Sutta 
A.iv.57). It is the attraction 
between the genders that 
causes harm, not the gender 
qualities themselves, 
Blessing Thirteen: Cherishing our 
Husband or Wife 167 
because: 
"no sight, sound, scent or touch 
can overcome 
the mind of a man like those of a 
woman and no sight, sound, scent 
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or touch 
can overcome the mind of a 
woman like 
those of a man" 
REpAdi Sutta A.i.1 
and for as long as a man or a 
woman is under the 
control of the attraction they have 
for someone of 
the opposite gender, they will fail 
to make use of 
their nobler virtues such as 
wisdom and conscience. 
They will tend to forget that love 
has a nobler side 
which is motherly, brotherly, 
selfless or universal 
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in place of love which is merely 
sensual, emotional, 
sexual or downright selfish. 
That women are often shown in a 
bad light in the 
Buddhist scriptures does not reflect 
the quality of 
women per se, but us because 
women are mostly 
referred to in stories used to 
threaten monks on the 
brink of disrobing (a relatively 
common reason for 
the Buddha to give a teaching). 
Elsewhere the Buddha 
shows women in a good light and 
admits that 
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women have an equal chance of 
becoming enlightened 
as men. 
A.4 Disadvantages of not 
cherishing one's spouse 
With or without divorce, the 
consequences of marital 
neglect are far-reaching. If a 
husband and wife 
do not cherish one another 
according to the advice 
of the Buddha, the harm that will 
come to them can 
be concluded on three levels: 
I. Losing a sense of responsibility 
for their own 
human dignity: If a husband and 
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wife lack 
self-discipline and don't fulfil the 
duties towards 
one another prescribed by the Lord 
Buddha, the first level of disaster 
which will 
happen to them is that they will 
lose their 
sense of responsibility for their 
own human 
dignity — this loss giving rise (at 
the minimum) 
to the following three undesirable 
symptoms: 
1. Breaking the Precepts: The 
husband and wife 
might be unfaithful to one another 
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leading 
to family problems, divorce, 
vengeful aggression 
and violence; 
2. Running out of inspiration to 
perform virtue: 
When someone feels disappointed 
with life, 
the last thing they want to do is to 
be a good 
husband or wife to their partner or 
a good 
parent to their children; 
3. Displaying violence in front of 
their children: 
If a parent has no respect for 
themselves, 
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they will feel no embarrassment 
about losing 
their temper or being aggressive in 
front 
of the children. Such aggression, 
even if it 
is only verbal, leaves an unerasable 
traumatic 
impression on the children's 
developing 
mind quenching any possible 
warmth they might feel for that 
parent in 
the future; 
2. Losing a sense of responsibility 
for the human 
dignity of others: If a husband and 
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wife 
lack self-discipline and don't fulfil 
the duties 
towards one another prescribed by 
the Lord 
Buddha, the second level of 
disaster which 
will happen to them is that they 
will lose their 
sense of responsibility for the 
human dignity 
of others — this loss giving rise (at 
the minimum) 
to the following three undesirable 
symptoms: 
1. Pessimistic world-view: If a 
husband and wife 
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habitually loses their temper with 
colleagues 
or friends outside the home, it will 
eventually retard career progress 
and promotion 
prospects; 
2. Biased personality: The 
insecurity of family 
life will lead them to take refuge 
within a 
clique of sympathizers, thereby 
losing the 
ability to associate sincerely with a 
wider 
society; 
3. Accumulation of anger and 
vengefulness: The 
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husband or wife will start to 
accumulate 
negative emotions because they 
feel that 
everybody is against them 
eventually 
they become preoccupied with 
looking for 
ways to "get their own back on 
these "enemies". 
3. Losing a sense of responsibility 
for economic 
fairness in society at large: If a 
husband and 
wife lack self-discipline and don't 
fulfil the 
168 A Manual of Peace: 38 Steps 
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towards Enlightened Living 
duties towards one another 
prescribed by the 
Lord Buddha, the third level of 
disaster which 
will happen to them is that they 
will lose their 
sense of responsibility for 
economic fairness 
in society at large — this loss 
giving rise (at 
the minimum) to the following 
three undesirable 
symptoms: 
1. Recourse to "Roads to Ruin": If 
husbands or 
wives lose their sense of 
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responsibility for 
economic fairness, eventually they 
will turn 
to "Roads of Ruin" such as alcohol 
for solace, 
in an attempt to "blot out" their 
suffering. 
2. Economic hardship for the 
family: When the 
finances of the family are 
misdirected, the 
ones who suffer the most will be 
the children 
who experience neglect in their 
material 
and educational needs —
exacerbating 
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problems of juvenile delinquency; 
3. Lack of harmony in earning 
livelihood: when 
the relationship between husband 
and wife 
is plagued by mistrust and 
suspicion 
if 
the couple eventually has to 
break-up, the 
certain victims will be the children 
in the 
family. 
The problems of the western 
quarter can be summarized 
down to two main points: 
I. Broken families: The manifest 
problem of broken 
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