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to know whether a divorce is for 
the better or not? 
Basically there are only two 
scenarios — being 
bored of one's partner and being 
bored of marriage. 
In the first scenario one or both of 
the married 
partners feels that their marriage is 
not working and 
that they would be happier if they 
went to live with 
a certain other person. They want 
to "turn-in" their 
spouse in exchange for a new one! 
Such a divorce 
is a bad idea because what they fail 
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to realize is that 
the faults they are trying to escape 
by divorce are 
not their ex-partner's, but their 
own! If they do divorce, 
they will take these faults 
uncorrected to their 
next marriage and history will 
repeat itself. Thus 
rather than asking for a divorce, 
the person should 
get down to improving their own 
character in earnest 
(starting with forgiveness and 
humility) 
thereby repairing the 
relationship.This scenario 
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applies in 99% of cases. Be 
warned ! — you have no 
idea before going through with a 
divorce how destructive 
it will be for yourself, your 
children, your 
reputation, your spiritual 
development and for everyone 
else you and your spouse know. 
In the second scenario, if after all 
efforts to ameliorate 
your marriage you realize that the 
problem 
is not with your spouse, but with 
marriage in general, 
this may be a valid reason for a 
divorce. In 
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such a case, you see thr ough the 
folly of being involved 
in a relationship at all. If the reason 
you want 
a divorce, is in order to upgrade 
the intensity of 
your spiritual vocation by leading 
a life of celibacy, 
with the genuine intention never 
again to enter into 
a new relationship,this is a valid 
reason to obtain a 
divorce. One should however, 
minimize the negative 
effects for any children you may 
have, by waiting 
first until they are old enough to be 
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independent 
of you. 
D. ILLUSTRATIVE 
EXAMPLES 
D.1 Metaphor: Tongue & Teeth 
in close 
proximity 
When chewing one's food, if one's 
teeth and tongue 
fail to co-operate, biting one's 
tongue can be painful 
enough to bring tears to the eyes. 
In the same 
way, if a husband and wife fail to 
be helpful and 
understanding to one another, apart 
from making 
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no progress in their married life, 
tears can be expected 
too in the long-term. 
D.2 Ex. Love beyond the grave 
In the Tang Dynasty an emperor 
who liked to perform 
a lot of merits. He had an empress 
who was 
not interested in any form of good 
deeds.Even when 
their country was invaded, the 
empress would not 
make any merit to help the 
situation. When her husband 
sent her to make a merit she only 
pretended 
to go. When she came back she 
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lied saying that she 
had already made the merit he sent 
her to do. The 
empress died in advance of the 
emperor. One day 
when the emperor was sleeping he 
drempt he saw 
the empress as a ghost crying and 
calling for help. 
In the morning the king thus called 
an assembly. 
He asked the monks what could be 
done. The 
monks told him that he needed to 
make a merit and 
transfer the merit to the late 
empress. If the ghost 
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was able to rejoice in the merit 
then she would escape 
from her ghostly rebirth for 
something better. 
The emperor thus organized a 
merit-making fit for 
Blessing Thirteen: Cherishing our 
Husband or Wife 175 
an emperor. He donated all the 
gold in his treasury, 
all the servants, all the carriages, 
chariots and 
horses. He transferred merit for the 
next seven days. 
He slept again and drempt that he 
saw the empress 
now free from distress, thanking 
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him. 
The tale of the emperor was 
therefore told by 
many generations of Chinese until 
more recently 
the whole subject of transferring 
merit has been misunderstood. 
Because the normal people don't 
have 
the wealth of an emperor to make 
merit, they burn 
paper money, paper Mercedes, 
paper servants etc. 
to burn for their deceased relatives. 
It is tempting 
to think that nowadays deceased 
Chinese relatives 
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get only ashes! 
D.3 Ex. Reluctant marriage: the 
nun (DhA.iii.147ff.) 
There was once a girl who had 
been going to 
the temple since the age of seven 
and had 
wanted to be a nun right from that 
time. Her 
parents didn't let her, saying that 
she must finish 
her studies. Thus as a child she did 
her duty 
to her best. When she finished her 
studies she 
asked her parents' permission to 
become a nun, 
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but they refused saying that they 
wanted to see 
her married. Thus she was married 
and continued 
to do the best of her duties as a 
faithful wife. 
One day the husband was going to 
take his wife 
to a fair and said to her `go and put 
on all your 
best jewellry so that you look the 
best at the fair'. 
The wife said, I don't see the point 
on putting 
on any more jewellry than this. 
The husband 
asked why not because he had 
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already bought 
so many nice items of jewellry for 
her to wear. 
The wife said that really none of us 
have any 
beauty. The skin on our body just 
hides the putrescence 
inside ourselves'. The husband 
teased 
`with that sort of thinking wouldn't 
you be better 
off as a nun?' The wife replied, 
`actually it is 
my dearest wish if you would only 
give your 
permission.' The husband allowed 
her and after 
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becoming a bhikkhuAi within a 
very short 
space of time, she could become 
enlightened. 
Whatever duty she had had to do 
in the past she 
had always done her best, thus 
when she was a 
nun, before long she could achieve 
what she had 
set out to do. 
D.4 Ex. Reluctant marriage: 
MahAkassapa (Ap.u. 583) 
Kassapa was the son of a 
millionnaire. His future 
wife was also the daughter of a 
millionnaire. Each 
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of them lived in distant cities. The 
two families had 
heard the reputation of the other 
family's child and 
before long they sent messangers 
to arrange the 
marriage. Neither the bride nor the 
groom were 
interested in marriage. When they 
were both forced 
to marry then they did not rebel. 
However, because 
both of them were more interested 
in the Dhamma, 
after they were married they 
always slept in separate 
rooms. Later when both of their 
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parents had 
passed away, they persuaded each 
other to ordain. 
The husband became a monk. The 
wife became a 
nun. They left their house, gave 
away all their possessions. 
When they came to a fork in the 
road, they 
agreed that if they went together 
they might cause 
gossip so they decided to go their 
separate ways. 
Before long both of them met with 
those who could 
teach them the Dhamma and both 
could become 
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arahants with ease. 
D.5 Ex. Married spite beyond the 
grave (DhA.i.47ff) 
There was once a good husband 
and wife. The wife 
was barren and felt sorry for the 
childless husband 
so she found a mistress for him. 
Both the wife and 
the mistress were good friends but 
all of us still 
have defilements and cannot be 
trusted. When the 
mistress got pregnant, the husband 
was so pleased 
that he lavished more affection on 
his mistress than 
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on his wife. This made the wife 
envious because 
she thought to herself, "even when 
the child has 
not yet been born, my husband is 
already treating 
me with indifference. If the child is 
born, the husband 
will certainly treat me with no 
more respect 
than a pig or a chicken around the 
house." Thus 
she thought `time is of the essence' 
and found some 
poison that would cause abortion 
and tricked the 
mistress into drinking it. The first 
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child was 
aborted. When she became 
pregnant a second time, 
the wife did the same again. By the 
third pregnancy, 
the mistress worked out what was 
happening and 
refused to take the `medicine' thus 
there was a fight 
between the wife and the mistress. 
The wife killed 
the mistress who was almost 
defenceless because 
of her pregnancy. When the 
husband saw what had 
176 A Manual of Peace: 38 Steps 
towards Enlightened Living 
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happened he killed his wife. 
Before the mistress 
died she was so vengeful that she 
made the vow 
that she would kill and eat all the 
children of that 
wife in every future lifetime. When 
the mistress 
died she was reborn as a cat in the 
same house. 
The wife was born as a chicken in 
the same house. 
However many eggs the chicken 
laid, the cat would 
eat them all. The chicken was thus 
angry and before 
it died made the vow to eat all the 
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children of 
the cat in the next lifetime.The 
chicken was reborn 
as a tiger and the cat was reborn as 
deer. The tiger 
ate all the baby deer. This carried 
on the same until 
the final lifetime when the wife 
was born as a maneating 
ogress. The mistress was born 
married to 
the same husband again.The 
man-eating ogress ate 
up the first and second children of 
the couple. 
When the third child was born, the 
mother realized 
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