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have their strongest influence on 
the second factor. 
In any case the parents shouldn't 
expect too much 
from their child. Don't forget that 
childhood is short. 
Children cannot live by education 
alone; they must 
have time to play and need to have 
all sorts of experience 
of life, society and community in 
order to 
fully develop their capabilities. 
Children should 
have the chance to develop in all 
areas. If children 
do well in their studies they 
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deserve praise from 
their parents. If children don't 
meet with much success 
in their studies, even though they 
have tried 
hard, there is no need to punish 
them or compare 
them with other children who have 
got better marks 
because it will undermine a child's 
self confidence. 
No matter what result the child 
gets, parents should 
be proud of their children for their 
diligence at the 
very least. The parents should 
notice if their child 
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is gifted in any particular way or 
has any special 
interest art, music or sports for 
example. Parents 
should support their children in the 
things that take 
their interest in order to lead them 
to success and 
even if they aren't the best of 
students they will still 
be able to find happiness in life. 
Having provided worldly 
knowledge for their 
child, parents must complement it 
with knowledge 
of Dhamma. Where worldly 
knowledge looks after 
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the body, knowledge of Dhamma 
cares for the 
mind. Dhamma, the food of the 
mind, helps to make 
children resilient towards problems 
and obstacles, 
never `chickening-out' or bored by 
their own tasks. 
Dhamma brightens childrens' 
minds giving them 
faith to develop their own virtue 
without end. Parents 
should introduce the Five Precepts 
to their children 
from an early age. Children should 
check for 
themselves each day whether their 
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Precepts are intact 
or not, point by point. Apart from 
keepingthe Precepts 
parents should encourage their 
children to study 
Dhamma literature, be generous, 
perform chanting and 
meditate on a regular basis. Every 
good son should 
also have the chance to ordain as a 
novice or a monk 
at some time during his education 
in order to have 
first hand experience of the ideal 
Buddhist culture. 
Parents should always take the role 
of pointing out 
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the applications of Dhamma 
knowledge in its connection 
with everyday life. 
162 A Manual of Peace: 38 Steps 
towards Enlightened Living 
B.3.4 Approving an appropriate 
marriage 
partner 
As if giving all manner of basic 
needs and education 
is not enough, children even expect 
parents to 
give free consultation when in 
doubt about who to 
marry.When one's children are 
fully educated and 
are well established in their 
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careers, if they wish to 
marry, then parents have two 
important duties 
firstly to finance their childrens' 
marriage and secondly 
to advise and take the final 
decision in their 
childrens' choice of spouse. Really 
who your child 
marries is not the important issue 
— it is whether 
they have the sixteen qualities of a 
"good friend" 
(see Blessing Two) upon which to 
build their own 
family. In fact, if as a parent, you 
can pursuade your 
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child not to marry, you will be 
doing them the biggest 
favour of all because at best the 
happiness of 
married life is only miniscule 
compared with all the 
suffering family life brings. One's 
opportunity to 
do good deeds is seriously 
curtailed by one's marriage. 
The latter role of the parents is 
seen as an unnecessary 
intervention by many modern 
societies but 
Buddhists still feel it is justified 
because the choice 
of a marriage partner is a very 
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serious decision to 
make and ideally should be at the 
discretion of 
someone with a lot of experience 
of the world. It is 
not the job of the parents to act as 
the matchmaker, 
especially when one's child is still 
not sufficiently 
well-educated or with enough 
work-experience to 
look after themselves.Young 
people in love tend to 
see the world through rose-tinted 
spectacles. An 
inappropriate marriage might ruin 
the rest of a couple's 
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life and this is why parents are 
called upon by 
Buddhists to make the final 
decision as to the marriage 
partner. The reason is because it is 
no problem 
to find a good lover or a good 
wife, but to find 
a good mother for one's 
prospective family is much 
harder. Having hundreds of 
children is no problem. 
Even chickens can do it — but 
what to do to 
be a good parent — because a 
parent must give 
knowledge, thoughts and morality. 
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That a son or daughter leaves the 
final decision 
up to their parents is one way of 
repaying their debt 
of gratitude to them. In any case 
however parents 
should be lenient in their 
discretion, using as a rule 
of thumb "the partner who we 
don't like but our 
child loves is better than the 
partner we love but 
our child doesn't like". The only 
circumstances 
which may cause friction between 
the two generations 
is when one's son or daughter falls 
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in love 
with someone criminal or 
otherwise damaging to 
their future. 
B.3.5 Passing on your legacy to 
your child 
In non-Buddhist countries, where 
social values dictate 
that sons and daughters shouldn't 
expect to 
look after their parents in their 
old-age, the expectation 
also arises that they shouldn't 
come asking 
for money either. However, in 
Buddhist culture 
there are reciprocal duties between 
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parent and child. 
That the child does not become 
independent of their 
parents when adult, looking after 
their parents 
when those parents are old) also 
gives some meaning 
to the parental duty of passing on 
their legacy 
to their children before they die. 
However, the child's worthiness to 
receive the 
legacy, certainly depends on their 
ability to have 
nothing to do with any of the Six 
Roads to Ruin 
[abhAyamukha]. 
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B.4 Summary: The Art of 
Bringing up Children 
Bringing up children can be 
divided up into three 
periods: firstly, to conceive a good 
child in the first 
place by living our own life in a 
virtuous way. Secondly, 
to look after the embryo while it is 
in the 
womb, making sure it receives no 
physical or spiritual 
trauma. Thirdly, after birth to take 
care of the 
child's upbringing: not letting him 
do evil and encouraging 
him to do good by praise and 
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remonstration, 
selecting good friends & books 
and setting 
a good example; giving him a 
decent education; 
helping choose a partner if he 
wants to marry 
and, lastly; passing on your 
inheritance to him at 
the appropriate time. Finally... 
1. love the child but do not spoil 
him otherwise he 
may get into a bad habits; 
2. don't love the child so much you 
don't dare to 
punish him; 
3. don't overlook your duty of 
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being a teacher to 
your child; 
Blessing Twelve: Raising our 
Children 163 
4. be lenient and not overfussy; 
5. give the child enough time, no 
matter how busy 
you are, you must try to find time 
for him or 
you will regret it later; 
6. scold immediately when seeing 
the child doing 
something wrong however, be 
reasonable and 
do not lose your temper. Praise 
him when he 
does something good to encourage 
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him to keep 
on doing good things; 
7. train the child to work from an 
early age don't 
let him sit idle. Don't help him 
with what a child 
of his age should be able to do. 
Teach him to depend 
on himself as much as possible; 
8. giving food, clothing, shelter 
and medicine is not 
enough 
parents must give their 
child 
Dhamma too... 
C. ILLUSTRATIVE TALES 
C.1 Ex. Buddha passes on legacy 
to son 
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The person with the best human 
relations in the 
world must have been the Buddha. 
He taught his 
father King Suddhodana until he 
could become an 
arahant. He taught his wife 
YasodharA until she 
could become an arahant also. His 
son RAhula also 
became an arahant. RAhula asked 
to inherit the 
treasures of his father. Instead of 
giving him the 
throne he gave him the qualities of 
one free from 
defilement by having his child 
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ordain from the age 
of seven. 
All of the rest of his family and 
friends became 
arahants. His teachers died before 
he was able to 
teach them, but the group of five 
ascetics who had 
helped him in the past, all became 
arahants. Thus 
we must take a look at how he 
brought up his own 
children as well. What had the 
Buddha used to 
bring up his son to be so brilliant? 
He had given 
him the seven noble treasures 
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[ariyadhana or 
bahukAradhamma] (D.iii.163, 
D.iii.267, A.iv.5): 
1. Faith [saddha] Believing in the 
things that are 
worthy of belief.
2. Self-Discipline [sEla] 
3. Shame of Evil [hiri] 
4. Fear of the consequences of Evil 
[ottappa] 
5. Knowledge [bahusacca] 
6. Self-Sacrifice [cAga] 
7. Wisdom [pariiiA] 
C.2 Ex. TilamuEEhi 
JAtaka(J.252): 
Necessity of punishment 
Brahmadatta, son of the king of 
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