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In our association with such Wise 
Ones, we will be 
able to recognize their level of 
responsibility from 
the quality of their friendship. If 
we are a good 
friend to them, then we should see 
the following 
characteristics in the friendship 
which is returned. 
However, even amongst True 
Friends, the responsibility 
can be manifested in different 
ways. The 
Buddha subdivided True Friends 
into four groups. 
He identified each group by four 
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examples of behaviours 
— giving a total of sixteen 
characteristics 
to look for in a good friend. 
1. The Helpful Friend [upakaraka] 
2. The Constant Friend 
[samanasukhadukkha] 
3. The Friend of Wise Counsel 
[atthakkhayi] 
4. The Sympathetic Friend 
[anukampaka] 
1. a helpful friend is one who: 
1. protects you even when you are 
off your 
guard; 
2. helps protect your property even 
when you 
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neglect it; 
3. is your refuge in times of 
danger; 
4. always provides you with twice 
as much as 
you asked for; 
2. a constant friend is constant in 
bad times and 
good: 
1. they confide in you; 
2. they don't go spreading your 
secrets around; 
3. they don't abandon you when 
you fall on hard 
times; 
4. they would even die in your 
place; 
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3. they give you good counsel: 
1. they warn you against 
unwholesome behaviour 
2. encourage you towards 
wholesome behaviour; 
3. save up new things to tell you; 
44 A Manual of Peace: 38 Steps 
towards Enlightened Living 
4. point you in the direction of 
heaven. 
4. they empathize with you: 
1. they don't laugh at your 
misfortunes; 
2. they congratulate you on your 
good fortune, 
3. they speak out against anyone 
who maligns 
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you, 
4. they stand up for those who 
speak well of you 
As you can see, all sixteen 
characteristics of the True 
Friend are characteristics that lead 
to the creation 
of positivity. 
E. ASSOCIATION 
E.1 How to associate with the 
wise (7) 
The Lord Buddha taught seven 
features of behaviour 
which counts as association with 
the wise. If 
your association misses out on any 
of these seven 
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factors, it cannot be counted as 
fruitful association. 
The seven features are as follows: 
I. Frequently meeting up with 
them. If you know 
that someone has the 
characteristics of a wise 
man, you ought to seek him out 
and visit him 
regularly. If you hear that such and 
such a temple 
has wise people going to it, then 
that should 
be the temple you are visiting 
regularly. This is 
the first step to true association. 
Without it no 
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association can come about. 
2. Make yourself known to them. 
What this means 
is that when you have gone out of 
your way to 
seek out a wise man, you should 
make yourself 
known to them, not sit just out of 
their line of 
vision round the corner. Whenever 
they go to 
the boxing or the fashion show 
they are right at 
the ringside or up against the 
catwalk, but when 
they go to the temple and see one 
of the monks 
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coming, they will disappear to the 
back row of 
the pavilion. In such a case, even 
though they 
have come as far as the temple 
where the wise 
are to be found, they cannot be 
said to have associated 
with the wise. 
3. Sincerety towards them. If there 
is any affection 
in your association, you must be 
sincere to one 
another — with nothing behind 
your back. There 
is no secret which your other half 
can't ask about 
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and get a straight answer. Loyalty 
means that 
there is no hidden agenda 
concerning your association. 
But even this is not enough. 
4. Loyalty towards them. Where in 
sincerety, your 
association is bound through 
affection, in loyalty 
the association is bound through 
respect. 
Thus to make for the best of 
possible associations 
you should do nothing to diminish 
either the 
love or respect that bonds the 
relationship. Also 
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you should do nothing to interrupt 
the train of 
thought of the wise man with 
whom you have 
chosen to associate whether it be 
through careless 
speech or otherwise. This is what 
we call 
loyalty. 
5. Help them in times of need. 
Whenever we notice 
that our associate (the wise one) is 
busy with 
something we could help with, we 
should offer 
our help without reluctance. 
However, if we 
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know that our associate has 
something that we 
could help with and we keep our 
silence instead 
of offering our assistance, we can 
hardly call our 
association a friendship. Just 
imagine if a group 
of so-called friends all come 
together at meal time 
but cannot be found when it comes 
to time for 
work. Such a group could hardly 
be called 
friends. 
6. When free joining up to talk 
and eat together. 
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When the wise have free time they 
come together 
to discuss the Dhamma and to 
clear up their 
doubts (not to gossip about the 
neighbours). 
7. Reflection on Dhamma and 
Getting Down to 
Earnest Practice. This is one of 
the most important 
headings. Even if you have 
diligently followed 
the previous six steps but omit this 
seventh 
step, you cannot call it true 
association. Also, 
if you do none of the first six but 
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do the seventh 
one, it is as good as true 
association, because 
Dhamma always has the same 
flavour — it always 
gives rise to self discipline [stla]: 
it always 
gives rise to concentration 
[samAdhi]: and it always 
gives rise to wisdom [pafifiA]. 
Thus even 
if you have never met your wise 
associate before, 
even on your first meeting you will 
feel as 
if you have been friends for a 
thousand years, or 
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for many lifetimes 
because both 
of you have 
Dhamma in your hearts — it is 
Dhamma that 
binds your association. 
Blessing Two: Associating with the 
Wise 45 
The behaviour that we refer to as 
association means 
that that whatever happens you 
will do things in 
togetherness. If there is work you 
will work together. 
Accept each others' help, accept 
the same 
identity, accept the same place of 
abode, accept 
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work in the same place. If you 
possess anything, 
you will be willing to lend it to 
them or give it to 
them, giving them possessions or 
respect. In conclusion 
the operant parts of the process of 
association 
with the wise are sharing, 
accepting and giving. 
If you expand upon these three 
then you arrive 
at the seven steps described at the 
beginning 
of this section. 
E.2 Principles of Association 
Like all the groups of people 
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closest to us in the 
world, the best way we can get the 
virtues of the 
wise to brush off on us is associate 
with them as 
`good friends'. The Buddhist 
teaching most relevant 
to the cultivation of a fruitful 
friendship is the 
`northern quarter' of the 
SilgalovAda Sutta which 
gives us the following practical 
advice about how 
good friends should treat each 
other: 
The Buddha laid down five 
examples of duties 
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we ought to practice in order to 
express our responsibility 
towards our friends: 
1. generosity: anyone possessed of 
Right View 
[sammA diEEhi] is bound to 
moved to compassion 
when seeing others experiencing 
hardship 
or suffering — and generosity is 
the way in which 
he can ameliorate the lot of friends 
caught in such 
a situation, while at the same time 
strengthening 
his bond of friendship to that 
person; 
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2. kind words: if a person is able 
to relinquish the 
Four Defilements of Action, and 
has the altruism 
of a Good Friend [kalyAAamitta] 
he will be 
of the habit of speaking only words 
that are polite 
and true; 
3. helping and acting for their 
welfare: endowed 
with the characteristics of a True 
Friend, one will 
have the altruism to want to do 
things for the 
benefit of one's friends; 
4. being consistent: however well 
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one has treated 
one's friends in the past, one will 
not suddenly 
change to treat them better or 
worse because of 
force of circumstances. Just 
because one gets a 
promotion in rank which is better 
than that of 
one's old friend, one will not 
subsequently look 
down on him; 
5. never telling them lies: as good 
friend what one 
says will never deviate from the 
truth. 
It is only possible to fulfil the 
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demands of these five 
duties if one has already had the 
qualities of a true 
friend instilled by effective 
upbringing at the hands 
of one's parents, teachers and 
employers. 
In turn those wise friends should 
practice the following 
five duties towards us in order to 
express 
their sense of responsibility 
towards us: 
I. protect us when we are off our 
guard: learning 
that we are in the midst of 
problems as a result 
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