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Blessing Eleven: 
Cherishing our parents 
A. IN i ROMA-DON 
A.1 Introduction to Blessing Eleven 
As we shall see for this blessing on cherishing our 
parents, much more than for cherishing husband, 
wife or children, the factor of "gratitude" is very 
important. According to Buddhist definition, "grati-
tude" is an active virtue and to be fulfilled, should 
be practised in all of the following stages: 
1. Appreciating our Debt of Gratitude to Our Par-
ents Rata Milt] 
2. Repayment of our Debt of Gratitude to Our Par-
ents Ikatavedi] by: 
1. repaying our debt of gratitude to our parents: 
physically and spiritually both before they 
pass away and after death too 
2. Announcing the Goodness of Our Parents 
Only when we have done all of these components 
of gratitude can we be said to have fulfilled this 
eleventh Blessing — and the remainder of the dis-
cussion in this blessing describes the practicality of 
putting all three components in practice. In some 
Buddhist literature, practising such duties is known 
as 'filial piety'. 
B. WHY SHOULD 
L HAN 10 CHLRISli 
OUR PARENTS? 
B.1 Rationale 
When we start out in our career of self-develop-
ment, it is not obvious what goodness is. In the ini-
tial blessings, we have had to orientate ourselves 
to virtue without really knowing what virtue is —
let alone being able to identify virtue in ourselves. 
In the beginning, even to be able to associate with 
good people is a blessing, because some of their vir-
tues might brush off on us too. In the beginning we 
might not be aware of the virtues in ourselves — it 
being much easier to perceive the virtues of others. 
The Buddha intended us to take a hard look at our 
own parents who have done so much for us — be-
cause everyone has parents and everyone has received 
benefit at their hands. Thus, for our parents more 
than for others, virtue will be easy for us to iden-
tify. If we are able to recognize, repay and announce 
the goodness of our parents, our familiarity with 
such virtue will become all the stronger. Later when 
we are able to see the good in our parents, we will 
be able to see the good in others. When we are able 
to see the good in others we will be able to see the 
good in ourselves and develop it further — accord-
ing to the techniques found in the higher blessings. 
Unless we are sensative to a greater or lesser extent 
to the goodness other people express to us, we have 
little chance of increasing the sensitivity to the good-
ness that lies within ourselves. There is no-one in 
the world who has done as much for one as one's 
parents, so if one is unable to respond to the good 
they have done one, then it is unlikely that one will 
be able to perceive good in anything else at all. If 
our debt of gratitude to our parents is as large as 
this and we are unable to see it, that shows that we 
must be severely blinded to the good of others. 
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£2 Taking care of our parents is the most 
fundamental of virtues 
Repaying the debt of gratitude to our parents is such 
a fundemental virtue, that the people of old used it 
as a benchmark for judging strangers. Sometimes 
one has to know someone for a long, long time be-
fore one can really say we know such a person in 
depth. However, if you meet someone for the first 
time and you find out that they neglect their par-
ents, you can be sure that they are unlikely to have 
any interest in helping anyone less closely related. 
B.3 We will be cared for by our children 
If you recognize and repay the debt of gratitude 
you have to your parents, apart from gaining per-
sonal virtue, you will also set a good example for 
your own children — and they in turn will want to 
take care of you when you become feeble in your 
old age. 
B.4 Richness ofheart helps meditation progress 
Many people meditate for many years without be-
ing able to make any progress — sometimes their 
mind has a continuous feeling of "dryness". How-
ever, if upon learning about the debt of gratitude 
they have to their parents, they take steps to repay 
it, it often creates a "richness" of mind which al-
lows them to progress again in their meditation. 
C. APPRECIATING OUR IWB 01 hitt 1111 Dh 
C.1 Why must we have gratitude in our lives? 
We didn't get where we are today entirely by our 
own efforts. We are the result of considerable in-
vestment of food, care, protection, training and 
teaching by others. All these resources have come 
to us through the pure intentions of others in soci-
ety— intentions without which our civilization 
would soon collapse. It is not that people have 
helped us because they want something from us in 
return, but if we, who have been on the receiving 
end of such altruism, are able to appreciate, return 
or praise the favours they have done us, it will help 
to create an atmosphere of "give and take" in soci-
ety instead of deterioration into "every man to 
himself".The appreciation of good deeds is very 
important to Buddhist culture and cherishing our 
parents is our first and most fundamental oppor-
tunity to express gratitude. 
C.2 Theories of non.gratitude to parents 
Where sons and daughters neglect their parents, of-
ten it is not intentional, but because of having received 
influence from some of the theories rife in our society, 
none of which are entirely true: 
1. Selfish Genes: Some people think that the only rea-
son that parents are kind to their children is that 
they want to see their character and genes passed 
down to the next generation. This theory has even 
led to a genetic theory called 'The Selfish Gene' 
(Dawkins)by which it is proposed that man is noth-
ing more than a mechanism by which genes repli-
cate themselves! In such a case, parents don't show 
kindness to their children out of compassion but 
out of the selfish desire to propagate their own 
genes. If such a theory were really true, if you were 
walking down the street with four brothers who 
were all identical twins with at least half of the same 
genes as you have then you would rather that your-
self were eaten by a monster in order to protect the 
greater part of your genes depending on the safety 
of your three brothers. Such theories have their limi-
tations because they cannot explain why such traits 
as homosexuality which hamper the replication of 
genes might grow and spread in the population. 
The practical outcome of this theory is that instead 
of thinking to repay their parents for all the good 
things they have received, they think that they are 
bringing their parents fulfilment by bringing up 
grandchildren for their parents! This is logic equiva-
lent to borrowing money from a bank to open a 
new business and paying back the loan to your 
customers! Instead of thinking how best to look 
after their poor parents, most children spend their 
time thinking how best to get themselves a boy-
friend or girlfriend to look after for the rest of their 
lives instead. 
2. Hereditary Sin: Some philosophies of life such as 
those advocated by the Unification Church 
(Moonism) go further to suggest that all the bad 
things in our life are passed down to us by our 
parents and therefore only be abandoning your 
parents and marrying into their religion can you 
escape from sin. Such thinking has led to many 
broken families and accusations of kidnapping and 
brainwashing. 
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3. Patricide Cults: Some philosophies of life such 
as those found in some African tribes are even 
more destructive for the family. Only a boy who 
is brave enough to kill his own father is eligable 
to become the chief of the tribe because it is taken 
that only such a person is cruel and brave enough 
to lead a tribe. 
Although our thoughts about our parents might 
not be so serious as some of the theories described 
above sometimes we find it hard to really com-
prehend how much our parents have done for us. 
Superficially we think that the good our parents 
have done for us is easy to describe but in fact 
we don't usually don't look very deep. Many 
people are confused as to how the debt of grati-
tude to our parents could possibly be as large. 
Just thinking of how they have brought us up and 
how they have fed and schooled us surely could 
not add up to such a large debt. However we 
should try our best to look for that goodness, be-
cause if you can't see the good in other people 
who have done so much for you, don't expect to 
be able to see any of the good or positive things 
that arise in yourself as a result of your medita-
tion. 
C.3 How a Child is indebted to his parents 
Of all the people in the world there is no-one 
closer to us than our own mother and father. Why 
should we choose our parents as subject to our 
own good deeds before thinking of others? Our 
parents are those to whom wehave one of the 
largest debts of gratitude. We can choose whether 
or not we have a spouse or children, but all of us 
have parents of whom we must take care. All 
through our childhood we have been in debt to 
them and even when adult that debt is no less 
than it was when we were young. But how many 
children go to school thinking to study their hard-
est, do their best to pick up skills so that they can 
get a job to pay their parents back for their kind-
ness as soon as they complete their education? 
As soon as they get their first job how many think 
of using thier first wage to buy a present as a to-
ken of gratitude for thier parents and how many 
buy lipstick instead? 
C.3.1 Before conception 
If we look at the root meaning of the word 'parent' 
it means 'one who brings forth their offspring'. Thus 
our parents are responsible for having given us the 
gift of life. Some parents are a mother or a father to 
their children. Even if they wait until their child is 
born and then abandon it — i.e they give rise to 
children but don't bring them up — they have still 
given the child the most valuable thing it has — its 
own life. Parents serve as physical mold. A mold 
increases a material's value (see Blessing Nine §E.2). 
In a similar sense, the birth of all animals in the 
world depends on the parents as their physical 
mold. 
We are overwhelmingly indebted to our parents 
for their genes that give us our healthy physical 
shape. If our parents were those who didn't take 
good care of their own health then we might have 
been born handicapped physically. But as many of 
us are in good health, today, with strong physical 
bodies, if we were to have no gratitude to our par-
ents for the things they have given us, it would 
show that we are blind to the good things that peo-
ple do for us. Even if our parents had abandoned 
us at birth and did nothing else to bring us up, we 
should already be overwhelmed with the gift of life 
that they have given us. 
Thus don't go thinking that to be born human is 
an automatic entitlement. Even in your own house, 
the number of people living in the house is still 
small compared to the number of worms, mosqui-
tos, ants, geckos, birds etc. There are maybe a hun-
dred or a thousand more non-human living beings 
even in our own house than there are humans for 
whom the house was actually built. This tells us 
that to be born human is a difficult thing but to be 
born as an animal is easy. And if you were to be 
born as an animal — what use do you think you 
would be to the world? 
C.3.2 From conception to birth 
For the period we spent in the womb, we must 
mostly thank our mother but also our father who 
may have taken extra care of mother during preg-
nancy. Throughout the forty weeks of pregnancy, 
the mother needed to take regular medical check-
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ups. Even though she may not have liked to eat 
certain sorts of nutritious diet suitable for her ba-
by's health, she had to eat those things, nonethe-
less. Even though she might have wanted to eat 
certain sorts of food but knowing that these things 
may have been damaging to her baby, she had to 
go without them (e.g. avoiding the temptation of 
spicy (etc.) foods, drink and cigarettes) during the 
pregnancy, wearing loose clothes and having to 
leave strenuous work to others. 
Not only physically must the mother protect the 
child in her womb, but even the serenity of state of 
mind of the child in the womb must be protected 
by avoiding quarrels, conflict and anxiety. 
C.3.3 From Birth to adulthood 
A second word used for parents is 'father' or 
'mother' which means 'the one who brings up their 
offspring'. Thus there are three types of parents —
the ones we have already mentioned who bring 
forth children but don't bring them up, those who 
are step-parents who bring up the children of oth-
ers and lastly, those who both give rise to children 
and bring them up too. Most of us find it is easier 
to comprehend their debt of gratitude to their par-
ents for the care they have received from the time 
they are born to the time they are old enough to 
take care of themselves. What do you think is the 
time of your life when you are the most vulnerable 
and you can do nothing to help yourself? It is not 
when you have no money as a student. It is not 
during a war or when you are ill. None of these can 
compare to the risk which you underwent on the 
day you were born. Normally in the face of danger 
we would use the powers we have (physical 
strength, connections, wealth or wisdom) to over-
come the danger — you are able to help yourself. 
However, on the day you were born, if your par-
ents didn't decide to take you as their child to bring 
them up do you think you could survive? Could 
you put up a struggle when you don't even have 
the strength to open your eyes? Would you have 
had connections enough to get you out of trouble 
when even your own parents hadn't wanted you? 
Would you have had any wealth to buy yourself 
out of the situation at a time when you didn't even 
have a scrap of cloth to wear? Would you have had 
the wisdom to work out solutions to your prob-
lems? The reality of the situation is that we could 
only survive because our parents were kind enough 
to accept us. 
Normally if someone is to adopt a child they 
would have to take a long, long time to make that 
decision. If you were going to lend some money to 
someone, you have to have your conditions and 
your contracts — but for us there was only uncon-
ditional acceptance. Thus even that moment of ac-
ceptance at the most vulnerable time of our life is 
more than we can easily reimburse. 
Even when the child is in the womb, even though 
they don't know how the child would turn out, they 
would lay down their life to protect the child in their 
womb. 
C.3.4 Physical Care 
If you compare man with the animals, there is no 
comparable animal which takes so long or expends 
so much effort in the care of its young. Usually the 
larger the animal, the longer it must stay in the 
womb (gestation period) and the longer it must rely 
on the care of its parents after its birth. Even an el-
ephant with its huge size and a gestation period of 
three years will only look after a baby elephant for 
two years. Man although much smaller in size than 
any elephant often looks after his children for 
twenty years. They have done the job of protecting 
us like a guardian angel ever since we were born. 
Even after that we expect our parents to organize 
our marriages and pass their legacy on to us. 
Parents provide food, shelter, clothing, education 
and medical care for their children, supporting us 
in every way. Parents often have to put themselves 
at risk or in debt in order to look after their chil-
dren. If you find a woman catching fish or shoplift-
ing, 99 times out of 100 she is doing it only to feed 
her child — if it was for herself she would never 
take such a risk 
C.3.5 Spiritual Care 
Keeping us healthy and educated was not the only 
responsibility which our parents had to shoulder. 
Even our own basis of moral understanding had to 
come from our parents. If our parents had relied 
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always on the saying "do what I say not what I do", 
by now we would surely have grown up into hypo-
crites. Our parents were an example for us to fol-
low as well as scolding and punishing us for doing 
unacceptable things, keeping an eye on our friends 
and choosing only the best books for us to read. 
Who taught us to speak and walk? Who taught us 
all the basic virtues of life and had the patience to 
remind us when we were lazy or forgetful? Parents 
are a child's first teacher because they are the first 
to teach a child his manners and how to behave. 
Even when we are grown up and supposedly re-
sponsible and independent, the generosity and care 
of our parents doesn't come to an end but we find 
that they are always there to help when we have 
important questions like that of marriage and the 
last thing our parents do for us before they die is to 
pass on their accumulated wealth for us. 
These are just a very brief summary of some of 
the ways in which we have been helped by our 
parents. Even the most tough and insensitive man 
or woman, when they become parents manages to 
find in the deepest part of their hearts the most ten-
der and unlimited love for their own children and 
because of the purity of parental intention which 
fathers and mothers manage to find, ther people of 
old used to say you don't need to go any further 
than your own house in order to find an object of 
worship. 
CA Practical recollections to appreciate your 
debt of gratitude 
According to the Singalovada Sutta 
.180), the 
practicality of realizing one's debt ollatitude to 
one's parents can be effected by habitually reflect-
ing: 
1. "I have been supported by my parents — I will 
support them in turn" (such a recollection helps 
the cultivation of Right View) 
2. "I will do their work for them" (such a recollec-
tion helps the cultivation of patience, responsi-
bility, knowledge and ability) 
3. "I will keep up the honour and traditions of the 
family" 
4. "I will make myself worthy of the family legacy" 
(such a recollection helps one to extricate one-
self from the Six Roads to Ruin) 
5. "I will make offerings, dedicating merit to them 
after their death" (such a recollection helps the 
cultivation of Right View and responsibility) 
Such recollections will not come naturally to any 
child who has not been raised with self-discipline, 
responsibility and Right View. Thus the gratitude a 
child has is part of a reciprocal relationship a par-
ent has with their children — a subject explored in 
more depth in Blessing Twelve (§B.3). 
b. REPA1 !NG TIM DEBT OF GRAILI-twit) 
OUR PARENTS 
D.1 Expectations of Parents 
Poor parents would rather put themselves in debt 
than to see their own children suffer. Considering 
seemingly little things like carefully and rationally 
will allow us to see through to the magnitude of 
the debt of gratitude we own our parents. Realiz-
ing how good one's parents are is a simple but nec-
essary precursor to the repayment of gratitude to 
our parents — because it is not immediately obvi-
ous or easy to understand for every person. 
There was once a man who, together with his 
brothers and sisters, had been looking after their 
mother throughout a constant period of two years 
nursing her and paying for her kidney transfusions 
at a cost of 20,000 per month. Such a cost was cer-
tainly quite difficult for all the brothers and sisters 
to bear, but if they could not pay then surely their 
mother would die. Because the mother was also 
suffering from mental-disease, as soon as she was 
stronger after the transfusion, she would complain 
continuously disturbing the sons and daughters 
looking after her in the middle of the night. Look-
ing after the mother was an ordeal for everyone 
concerned and at the end of two years, the thought 
occurred to all the brothers and sisters that two 
years was enough. They thought that all their ef-
forts were surely enough to repay their debt of grati-
tude to their mother. In actual fact, if their mother 
had thought the same thing of her sick sons and 
daughters early on in life then surely none of them 
would have survived to the present day. Their 
mother would have used the last of her earnings to 
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see her children well again and even have gone into 
debt rather than seeing her children suffer. 
All parents have only five expectations of their 
children (in keeping with the five recollections of 
the Singalovada Sutta mentioned in the previous 
paragraph) — all of which point to ways in which 
children can handle the debt of gratitude they owe 
to their parents: 
1. that their children will look after them in their 
old age; 
2. that their children will perpetuate the good work 
for society they have already started; 
3. that their children will carry on the good name 
of the family; 
4. that their children will use the family wealth in 
a responsible way 
5. when they pass away their children will perform 
funeral rites and continue to dedicate the 
positivity of good deeds for their parents . 
The extent to which a child manages to do all five 
of these things varies from person to person — but 
in general you can categorize children into three 
types: 
1. The child whose virtue exceeds that of his par-
ents and who brings more prosperity to the fam-
ily as during the time of his parents rabhi-
jataputta] 
2. The child whose virtue equals that of his par-
ents and who brings the same degree of pros-
perity to the family as was brought during the 
time of his parents lanujataputta] 
3. The child whose virtue is less than that of his 
parents and who brings less prosperity to the 
family than during the time of his parent lava-
jataputta] 
112 Service 
Repaying to our parents' goodness through serv-
ice is divided into two parts: 
1. Service when they are still alive: When they are 
still alive help them in their daily chores. look 
after them when they are old, make sure that they 
are well fed, and care for them when they are 
not well. If they still have debts when they are in 
their old age then try to pay these debts off be-
fore they die. Serve them by making life more 
convenient (e.g. building an extra toilet for aged 
parent) 
2. Service after their death: When they pass away 
host their funeral and habitually offer the 
positivity you generate as the result of your 
meditation for their benefit: (even if we transfer 
merit to them and they are unable to accept it 
we have still done our duty to the best of our 
ability like giving a car to someone who cannot 
use it or cannot use it immediately) 
D.Z1 While parents alive 
D.2.1.1 Honour 
In order to show your respect for the pure inten-
tion which our parents have always shown us it is 
fitting to offer clothing, housing or medicine. Some-
times we might give a gift to our parents, not out of 
necessity, but in order to honour our parents. Some-
times out of their goodwill for us aged parents or 
old people will seem to be very fussy or critical be-
cause they have a lot of life experience (more than 
us). Sometimes they are really too fussy, but you 
need to be able to tolerate what they are saying and 
think that they still have that goodwill for you. If 
we are patient, we can learn a lot from their experi-
ences. Also there may be some things we should 
keep to ourselves instead of burdening old parents. 
Old people are weak and cannot do much for them-
selves. Only their mouth is in good working order 
— so be patient when old people talk a lot. 
D.2.1.2 Protection 
Protect your parents from things that you know 
annoy them or tire them. If you can alleviate stress-
ful duties which might fall upon your parents, you 
can help them to enjoy the last years of their life 
more and preserve their dignity. 
D.2.1.3 Spiritual Ways of Repayment 
All the above we are not enough to repay our debt 
of gratitude in all the ways above then does that 
mean that we have no way of repaying our grati-
tude? In fact the way which it is possible to repay 
our debt is though 'internal support' by giving them 
heaven as their afterlife destination. 
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1. inspiring them to faith in the Triple Gem and nur-
hire them fierther to; 
2. be generous and keep a baseline of morality 
3. persuade them to listen to spiritual teachings: Some 
old parents are unable to go to a place where they 
can hear spiritual teachings for themselves but 
you can help the situation by reading them spir-
itual books to them or record a cassette of teach-
ing for them to hear 
4. teach them how to meditate 
5. ordaining to pay debt of gratitude: In Thai culture 
especially, there is a tradition for sons to ordain 
temporarily at the age of twenty in order that 
the parents may gain merit from organizing their 
ordination. It is said that the sponsor of an ordi-
nation ceremony will gain half of the merit of 
the ordinand himself, therefore, as a dutiful son, 
finding the opportunity to ordain in order to re-
pay one's debt of gratitude to one's parents, is 
an important part of cultivating the eleventh 
blessing. 
112.2 When parents have already passed away 
Even if your parents have already passed away, 
your duty as a grateful son or daughter is not fin-
ished. Apart from taking responsibility for organ-
izing a fitting funeral, Buddhist sons and daugh-
ters will do meritorious deeds regularly and trans-
fer the merit from the deeds for the benefit of their 
deceased parents. 
ANNOUNCING THE GOODNESS 01. OCR PARENTS 
Some people mistakenly think that a large family 
is interchangeable with a family of good repute. 
Thus they have many, many children thinking that 
in this way they will bring happiness to their own 
parents. However, whether one has an heir or not 
is not something that will make your parents or any-
one else in the world laugh or cry. What is better —
to have a hundred sons and daughters who do noth-
ing to better the family reputation, or to work your-
self bringing fame and fortune to the family your-
self by the good and beneficial things you do for 
the rest of society — a person who is so good that 
their love is not limited to just a few sons and 
daughters but to the whole of the world (a parent 
to the whole of the world). Whether you have an 
heir or will not make the earth will not laugh or 
cry. Thus if you want to announce to the world the 
goodness of your parents, you don't need to shout 
about it. The goodness of your parents will shine 
through your own behaviouc. manners, the way you 
speak without you even having to mention your 
parents. We represent our parents and the way they 
have brought us up. We are their flesh and blood. 
Our mannerisms also come from our upbringing. 
That is why our behaviour is the most vivid way of 
announcing their goodness. It is not in their biog-
raphy that we hand out at their funeral, but rather 
by our own behaviour which matters. Everyone 
loves their parents. Having this love one should an-
nounce their goodness through our good behav-
iour starting while they are still alive. In doing so, 
we will make them very happy. This is more im-
portant than writing their goodness in their biog-
raphy which is of minute importance. It doesn't 
matter whether we intentionally want to announce 
our parents, goodness through our behaviour or 
not. Our actions speakfor themselves. It is up to us 
to create a good name for them through our behav-
iour. In doing so we make ourselves worthy to re-
ceive our parents' legacy. 
R 
IPIAXAL ALLATI0NSIIIP BMW PAREVr & CHILD 
From the SirigalovAda Sutta we learn that a child 
has duties towards his parents and parents have 
duties towards their children (see detail Blessing 
Twelve §B.3). In the ideal world, both the parents 
and the children will fulfil their side of the bargain 
and in doing so, no danger will grow up in the re-
lationship or for society at large — there will be hap-
piness and prosperity both for parent, child and so-
ciety at large. 
If the child fulfils their duty according to Bless-
ing Eleven but the parent doesn't fulfil their duty 
according to Blessing Twelve, harm will come to 
the parents and eventually to the child and society 
as well. There are some exceptional cases where a 
child has been so mistreated at the hands of his own 
parents that he or she finds it near impossible to 
imagine anything good about their parents. In such 
a case, we must remind ourselves that even if our 
parents abandon us at birth, we still have a huge 
Blessing Eleven: Cherishing our Parents 147 
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debt of gratitude to them for giving us our physi-
cal form as a human. In a case where one has been 
beaten or abused by one's parents, it is important 
to make a separation between the good things they 
have done to you and the bad. We must repay our 
debt of gratitude for the good things and do our 
best to forgive the bad things, without mixing them 
up or thinking that one cancels out the other. Some-
times a dutiful son or daughter knows that giving 
their parents money will only fuel them into doing 
irresponsible things (like gambling) — in such cases, 
they should still be supported, but the support 
should be in the form of food or clothing that they 
cannot change into money. Such parents should be 
treated like a patient who is ill and sometimes can 
not be given what they crave for — but our parents 
should never be insulted by us because of their 
weaknesses. 
If the parents fulfil their duty according to Bless-
ing Twelve, but the child does not fulfil their duty 
according to Blessing Eleven, harm will come to the 
child and eventually to the parents and society as 
well. 
If the child doesn't do their duty according to 
Blessing Eleven and the parents don't fulfil their 
duty according to Blessing Twelve, immediate harm 
will come to both and to society too. 
G. ILLAJS 1 12AT1 VL 1:.2CA31PLIal 
G.1 Metaphor: Parents as God [Brahma( 
Our parents have been compared to our "God" or 
"Brahma" because they exhibit towards us all the 
underlying virtues exhibited by a God, i.e. the four 
Divine Abidings [brahmavihara]: 
1. loving-kindness [meta]: parents have the limit-
less wish that their children should remove them-
selves from suffering in every respect. 
2. compassion Ilearunat the parents make every 
effort to diminish the suffering of their children, 
never neglecting their child 
3. sympathetic joy [ntudita]: whenever the child 
experiences success or happiness, the parents are 
sincerely happy on their child's part 
4. equanimity [upekkha]: when the child has their 
own family and is able to look after its own af-
fairs, the parents no longer interfere. If the chil-
dren make mistakes, the parents refrain from 
saying "I told you so", but give their opinion 
when asked for it. 
G.2 Metaphor: Parents as one's first Guardian 
Angel 
The parents are the first people known to the child 
to offer their protection to the child in every way 
G.3 Metaphor: Parents as First Teacher 
The parents are the first people known to the child 
to teach and train the child, whether it be how to 
walk or talk or how to cultivate good manners. 
G.4 Metaphor: Parents as Arahant 
The parents are as the child's arahant because they 
have four qualifies: 
1. They bring the child great benefit: The parents ful-
fil the challenging duty of caring for the child in 
every way — something it would be hard to find 
anyone else to do in their place. 
2. They command respect but are endearing: protect-
ing the child from all dangers, they also manage 
to bring gentle warmth to the child's life. 
3. They are the child's field of merit: They have com-
pletely pure intentions towards their children, 
making them a worthy object for the child's 
merit-making 
4. They are worthy of being bowed to: a child should 
express his respect for his parents by bowing or 
saluting them. 
G.5 Metaphor: Gold plate v.s Solid Gold 
Just as you can tell the difference between a gold-
plated object and one that is solid gold by passing 
it through a flame, you can tell whether someone is 
truly virtuous by whether or not he cherishes his 
parents. 
G.6 Proverb: Carrying one's parents on one's 
shoulders for 100 years 
The Buddha taught that even if we were to carry 
our parents, one on each shoulder, for one hundred 
years, spoon-feeding them and allowing them to 
urinate and defecate on us, it would still be insuffi-
cient fully to repay our debt of gratitude to our par-
ents. 
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G.7 Proverb: A skyful of parental praise 
If we were to use Mount Sumeru as our pen and all 
the water of the ocean as our ink, even if we were 
to write the virtues of our parents in the sky until 
there were no place left to write, the mountain were 
worn down and the seawater dry, we would still 
not have reached an end of our parents virtues. 
6.8 Er. The monk who went on almsround for 
his parents(Matuposaka Sulta 8.1.181) 
Normally when a monk has gathered food on his 
almsround, he must take his meal from that food 
first before passing the remainder on to any lay 
supporters. In the time of the Buddha there was a 
monk whose parents were so poor they had noth-
ing to eat. The monk went on almsround and gave 
the parents first choice of the food he managed to 
gather. Later, he was criticized by other monks who 
reported his behaviour to the Buddha. The Bud-
dha said that what the monk had done was correct 
and that in the case a monk's parents needed food 
from his almsround, they may be served first and 
the monk himself take the remainder — an excep-
tion to the rule in keeping with the debt of grati-
tude even a monk should repay to his parents. 
G.0 Ex. Kaccani ataka (J.417) 
After his father's death, a young man devoted him-
self entirely to his mother, until the latter, much 
against his will, brought him a wife. The wife plot-
ted to estrange mother and son, and the old woman 
eventually had to leave the house. Having given 
birth to a son, the wife, went about saying that if 
the mother-in-law had been with her, such a bless-
ing would have been impossible. When the old 
woman heard of this, she felt that such words 
showed that Dhamma must be dead. The woman 
went to a ceremony and started to perform a rite in 
the memory of the dead 'Dhamma'. Sakka's throne 
became heated and hearing her story used his pow-
ers to reconcile the old woman with her son and 
daughter-in-law. 
The story was related to a young man of Savatthi 
who looked after his aged mother until his wife 
came. The wife helped to look after her mother-in-
law at first, but later grew jealous of her husband's 
love for his mother and contrived to make the son 
angry with his mother. Finally she asked the man 
to choose between herself and his mother. The 
young man, without hesitation stood up for his 
mother and the wife, realizing her folly, mended 
her ways. 
J.iii.422ff. 
G.10 Er. The Begging Bowl (traditional) 
Once upon a time, there was a family where the 
mother and father were already old. The only son 
loved his father and mother and took good care of 
them running errands and helping in the house 
throughout his childhood. Then the son came of age 
got married and had his own children. Unfortu-
nately, as soon as he got married he found that his 
wife's love for his old parents was far less than his 
own. His wife chided him,"Don't you love your 
own children? Looking after your parents wastes 
time that could be better spent earning a good wage 
— let your parents look after themselves."At first 
he took no notice of his wife, but since his wife 
would complain and insist on this matter every day, 
eventually he forgot his debt of gratitude to his 
parents. He purchased a pair of clay bowls for his 
parents and instructed them, "Mother and father, 
from now on you must beg for a living," and went 
about earning his own living as best he could. The 
son's own children grew up to the age of five or 
six. 
One day their father came home from work to 
find his children decorating a coconut shell with 
the finest of ornaments. He asked, "What do you 
think you're doing with that coconut shell?" The 
children said said, "We're getting a begging bowl 
ready for you — to help you when you get too old 
to work!" Seeing his own children with the coco-
nut shell, the father realized his own ingratitude 
and from that day forth invited his old parents to 
stay in his own home and looked after them in the 
best of comfort until the end of their days. This il-
lustrates how powerful the parent's influence on 
his child and shows that the child's standard of 
good deeds comes directly from his parent's exam-
ple. The Lord Buddha taught that the debt of grati-
tude we owe to our parents is so great that it would 
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be hard to repay that debt of gratitude within a sin-
gle life-time. Thus it is one of the duties outlined 
inthe Singalovida Sutta and the Maftgala Sutta to 
cherish our own parents especially in old age. By 
doing this we not only repay our endebtedness to 
our parents for giving us life — but we strengthen 
the structure of society to make it free from aliena-
tion especially for the senior citizens in society some 
of whom receive more comfort from their pet cats 
and dogs these days, than they do from their own 
sons and daughters. 
GM Er. Even Buddha must care for his parents 
Even the Buddha himself devoted considerable 
time and effort to repaying the debt of gratitude he 
had to his parents. The Buddha spent the whole of 
one rainy-season retreat in Tavatiftisa Heaven, 
through the might of his mental powers, in order 
to teach his late mother the whole of the 
Abhidhamma. His mother Queen Maya had passed 
away only seven days after the birth of Prince 
Siddhartha. 
G.12 Ex. The Abandoned Brahmin 
Once, there lived in Sivatthi an old brahmin who 
was extremely rich. He had four sons and when 
each of the sons got married, he gave him a share 
of his wealth. Then, he gave away half of his re-
maining property to them. Later, his wife died. 
His sons came to him and looked after him very 
well and they were very loving and affectionate 
to him. During the course of time, somehow they 
influenced him to give them the other half of the 
remaining property. Thus, he was left penniless. 
First he went to stay with his eldest son. After a 
few days, the daughter-in-law said to him, 'Did 
you give any extra wealth to your eldest son? 
Don't you know the way to the house of your 
other sons?' Hearing this, the old brahmin got 
very angry and left the eldest son's house for the 
house of his second son. The same remarks were 
made by the wife of his second son and the old 
man went to the house of his third son and fi-
nally to the house of the fourth and youngest. 
Thus, the old man was left destitute and taking a 
staff and a bowl he went to the Buddha for pro-
tection and advice. At the monastery, the brahmin 
told the Buddha how his sons had mistreated 
him. The Enlightened One taught him some 
verses and advised him to recite them wherever 
there was a large gathering of people. The gist of 
the verses was as follows: 
'My four foolish sons are like ogres. They call 
me 'father, father' but the words come only 
out of their mouths and not from their hearts. 
They are deceitful and scheming. Taking the 
advice of their wives they have driven me out 
of their houses. So, now I have been reduced 
to begging. Those sons are of less service to 
me than this staff of mine.' 
When the appointed day came for the brahmins 
of Savatthi to hold their meeting and knowing 
that his sons would be there, the old brahmin also 
attended the meeting. Now at that time, the pre-
vailing law dictated that "whoever ill-treats his 
mother or father and does not support or look 
after them shall be punished". Many people in 
the crowd, on hearing the verses recited by the 
old brahmin, went wild with rage at the ungrate-
ful sons and threatened them for neglecting their 
father. Then the sons realised their mistakes and 
knelt down at the feet of their father and asked 
for pardon. They also promised that from that day 
forth, they would look after him properly and 
would respect, love and honour him. They also 
warned their wives to look after their father well. 
Each of the sons gave him proper food and cloth-
ing. Thus the brahmin became healthier. So, he 
went to the Buddha and humbly requested him 
to accept two food-trays out of the four he was 
receiving every day from his sons. One day, the 
eldest son invited the Buddha to his house for 
almsfood. After the meal, the Buddha gave a dis-
course on the benefits to be gained by looking 
after one's parents. 
The Buddha related to themthe story of the el-
ephant called Dhanapala, who looked after his 
parents. Dhanapala when captured pined for the 
parents who were left in the forest. 
Dhammapadanhakatha, XXIII: 3 
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G.13 Orphan with a Debt to Pay (traditional) 
There was once a woman of the streets who was with 
child. By profession she knew that if the child was 
born a boy, she would be unable to keep him. Her 
anxiety only increased day-by-day until at the end 
of nine months, her fears were realized. The new-
born babe was a boy. Many times she took the baby 
to the river's edge with the full intention to drown 
him and finish the whole business, but with tears in 
her eyes from having borne him in her womb for so 
long, she could not bring herself todo it. At the same 
time, she could not keep the child or else she would 
destroy her livelihood. She left him in a bundle by 
the roadside with the thought that there might be 
some chance of a compassionate passer-by seeing 
the child and adopting him. The first passer-by that 
morning was the abbot from the local temple on his 
almsround. He spotted the baby and afraid that he 
starve, took him back to the temple. The abbot 
guessed how the baby had come to be there but in 
the absence of anyone coming to claim him back, 
provided all the food, shelter, clothing and education 
the child needed to grow-up to teenage. The boy 
could run and play with the other children and do 
everything expected of him but he had a chip on his 
shoulder and would run and hide if any of the others 
teased him for not having a mother and father. The 
boy would blame his unseen parents for the 
predicament in which he found himself. One day 
the abbot heard the boy complaining out loud about 
the parents who had abandoned him. The abbot 
thought, "the time has come to talk to this boy about 
his life." 
"If someone were to give you a dollar, would you 
curse him?" the abbot asked the boy. 
"Of course not," replied the boy, "I should bow to 
that person, or at least thank him and I would not 
forget my gratitude to him!" 
"And if someone were to come along and offer you 
a dollar for your life would you take it?" 
"Of course I wouldn't," replied the boy 
indignantly."Do you think that's all my life is 
worth?" 
"Ten dollars then?" 
"You must be joking!" 
The abbot raised the sum to a hundred, a thousand, 
ten-thousand, a hundred-thousand and a million 
dollars, but the boy would not part with his life. 
Asked why, the boy replied, "even a million dollars 
is useless if you have no life left to spend it." 
"Well, what about if someone were to come along 
and offer you a dollar to cut off your right ann? 
Would you take it?" 
"Of course I wouldn't," replied the boy 
indignantly."Do you think that's all the integrity of 
my body is worth?" 
—Ten dollars then?" 
"Daylight robbery!" 
The abbot raised the sum to a hundred, a thousand, 
ten-thousand, a hundred-thousand and a million 
dollars, but the boy would not part with his right 
arm. "Don't you want to be a millionaire?" asked 
the abbot. The boy said,"even a million dollars is no 
substitute for the loss of one's physical integrity." 
"And if someone were to come along and offer you 
a dollar to cut off your little finger? Would you take 
it?" 
"Of course I wouldn't," replied the boy indig-
nantly." Do you think you can put a price on part of 
the human body?" 
"Ten dollars then?" 
"Forget it!" 
The abbot raised the sum to a hundred, a thousand, 
ten-thousand, a hundred-thousand and a million 
dollars, but the boy would not part with his little 
finger. Asked why, the boy said that even a million 
dollars could not replace the thing most precious to 
him — a healthy, human body. 
"Just now you said that if someone gave you a 
dollar, you would thank him, bow to him and never 
forget your gratitude to him—yet your parents have 
given you your healthy, human body free, even the 
little finger of which you would not part with for a 
million dollars — how come you sit here cursing 
them for not having given you more?" 
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Blessing Twelve: 
Raising our children 
A. Introduction 
A.1 The Hann of Bud Parental Upbringing 
The Sifigalovirda Sutta teaches us to develop re-
spect for human dignity towards ourselves, towards 
others and towards a fair economic system in gen-
eral. Sometimes we have to work on ourselves 
throughout our lives to develop these qualifies, but 
for sure, the seeds of these qualifies for every "glo-
bal being" need to be planted by the parents dur-
ing childhood as part of that child's upbringing. If 
the child is neglected when growing up, they will 
grow up to lack any sense of responsibility for: 
1. their own human dignity 
2. the human dignity of others 
3. the human dignity underlying the economics of 
society at large 
The catastrophe brought to society by such paren-
tal neglect can be enlarged asfollows: 
1. lacking responsibility for their own human dignity 
means: if the parents lack self-discipline and don't 
fulfil the minimal duties laid down by the Bud-
dha, the first signs of harm will be that their chil-
dren lack any sense of responsibility for their 
own human dignity — this being expressed in 
four different ways by the child's behaviour: 
1. False View: the child will not know the differ-
ence between virtue and evil, good and bad, 
appropriate and inappropriate and therefore 
will have no shame of evil IhiriJ or fear of the 
consequences of evil; 
2. Lack of aim in life: the child will have no spir-
itual aim in life, and therefore will tend to 
material extravagence and selfishness. Such 
a person will take every opportunity to do evil 
deeds that their circumstances and needs de-
mand; 
3. Lack of health and hygene: the child will be in-
competent in looking after their own health, 
perhaps being promiscuous, thereby destroy-
ing their own health and human endow-
ments; 
4. Lack of interest in self-development: Because of 
having no clear aim in life or perhaps because 
of bad health, the child will be discouraged 
from any efforts to study either worldly or 
spiritual knowledge. As a result they become 
even more entrenched in False View and may 
bring catastrophe to society — perhaps going 
even so far as to betray their own country. 
2. lacking responsibility for the human dignity of oth-
ers: if the parents lack self-discipline and don't 
fulfil their own duties, the second sign of harm 
will be that their children lack any sense of re-
sponsibility for the human dignity of others shar-
ing society— this being expressed in three dif-
ferent ways by the child's behaviour: 
1. Bias: Having perhaps been on the receiving 
end of parental bias, when older and finding 
themselves in positions of responsibility, the 
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child's tendency to bias in decision-making, 
because of greed, hatred, delusion or fear, may 
do important damage to others in society; 
2. Narrow-minded and selfish: If the child grows 
up into someone narrow-minded and selfish, 
they might be alienated in society for the rest 
of their life because no-one wants to associate 
with them. 
3. Lacks any signs of altruism: Having perhaps not 
had any parental training in altruism, when 
coming in contact with a wider society, when 
the child's patience is tried, they might lose 
control of themselves, expressing themselves 
in a rude or violent way. 
3. lacking responsibility for self-discipline (economic 
fairness): if the parents lack self-discipline and 
don't fulfil their own duties, the second sign of 
harm will be that their children lack any sense 
of responsibility for self-discipline (economic-
fairness) — this being expressed in three differ-
ent ways by the child's behaviour: 
1. Frivolous with money: not seeing the value of 
money, and lacking restraint in expenditure, 
when a child is no longer able to ask money 
from their parents, they look for new sources 
of income, the easiest of which are usually 
those concerned with the Six Roads to Ruin. 
2. Addicted to the Six Roads to Ruin 
3. Unable to uphold the family name: Even while 
still young, the badly-raised child can destroy 
the family name and when older, they will be 
unable to act as a steward for the family for-
tune. 
In conclusion it can be said that two major prob-
lems stem from bad upbringingof children: 
1. Problems of Juvenile Delinquency: Problems con-
cerning young people in every country are be-
coming increasingly serious and aggressive with 
every year that passes. In the olden days, the 
problems of young people would affect only 
those of age fifteen upwards, but now the prob-
lems are evident from primary school upwards. 
2. Parental Problems: Neglect of parental duties 
would appear to hold a large stake in the prob-
lems of young people — when parents lack the 
self-discipline to fulfil their own duties, it is no 
surprise that their children have no self-disci-
pline either and lack any sense of responsibility 
for human dignity. Juvenile delinquency starts 
in the home and goes on to exacerbate all other 
sorts of social problems. Most people fail to see 
the connection between the problems, but the 
Lord Buddha recognized the importance of the 
parental duty in bringing up their children prop-
erly — and in the Singalovada Sutta, accordingly 
put the parents in the most prestigious Eastern 
Quarter (where the sun rises) as a reminder of 
the importance of this relationship. The implica-
tion of the Buddha's teaching is that anyone un-
willing or unable to fulfil the duties of a good 
parent according to the Buddha's teaching, 
should consider themselves too immature to 
marry or have a family — because if they go 
ahead and have a family while still unable to be 
a good parent, they are sowing the seeds of im-
mediate social catastrophe. 
Realizing the seriousness of the duties upon the 
shoulders of any parent, it is obvious that we must 
take care in studying exactly how the Buddha 
taught parents to raise their children and the means 
by which these can be achieved. In doing so,we can 
guard against becoming the sort of parents who 
look back on what they have achieved during their 
life and feel nothing but regret — because there is 
nothing more heartbreaking than having brought 
up a child who makes a mess out of their own life, 
life of others or of society at large. 
A.2 The True Meaning of the Word 'Child' 
The Pali word for 'child' is putt°. . This word is still 
found in some European languages and usually 
means a sort of 'cherub'. However, if you look a 
the root of the word, it doesn't just mean 'child' but 
also 'unstained', 'pure' or 'fulfilling'. Thus the real 
meaning of a child is to be the one who purifies the 
family name. The word also means the one who 
brings joy to the heart of his parents. 
The child we bring up may be of our own flesh or 
blood, or the child may be adopted — the Buddha 
categorized children according to their origins: 
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1. ones born of our own flesh Iatrajal 
2. ones born on our property Ikhettaja] 
3. adopted children given to us by others 
Idinnaka] 
4. our students Iantevasika] 
Katthahari ataka 0.1.135) 
— but it makes no difference to the thoroughness 
with which we must practice our parental duties 
towards them. It is implied that no matter how the 
child in our care comes to us, we must still practice 
and fulfil our parental duties towards them. 
Some people who still have a lot of defilements 
want to have a lot of children. Luang Phaw Wat 
Paknam said that if you want to have a lot of chil-
dren who are full of virtue you should ordain as a 
monk because you will have many students as your 
children. If you have children of your own flesh 
and blood who turn out troublesome they you have 
to put up with looking after them the whole of your 
life. However, if they are your students and they 
are troublesome at least you can make your 
selection.You can say goodbye to the troublemak-
ers and choose the good ones. Look at the Buddha's 
example — even after 2,500 years after his 
Parinibbana there are still children of the Buddha 
being born today. 
ill fib COMPONLIN IS OF (X)OI) UPBRINGING 
'Would be' parents must prepare themselves, both 
inworldly and spiritual ways so they are ready to 
bring a good child into the world and bring him up 
to be a good person. The parent needs to prepare 
themselves for three different stages bringing a 
good child into the world: 
1. before conception 
2. from conception to birth 
3. from birth to adulthood 
The task is not easy — really it can be considered a 
full-time job — but the benefits of success will be 
the lifelong pride of the parents. 
As already mentioned, 'good child' from the par-
ents' point of view, covers abroad range of mean-
ings: in brief, possessing all sorts of virtues, good 
physique and sound mind. However, it is hard to 
find a person perfect in every sense of the word. 
Generally, a child held to be good, will have three 
qualities; they will be brainy; well-behaved (i.e. be 
able to follow the Precepts), and good hearted (i.e. 
generous and compassionate). These are the basis 
of a child's virtue. Any other goodness in which 
the parent can train their child, are all well and good 
and will add to the parents' pride in their child. 
B.1 Before Conception 
The parent must be both physically and mentally 
prepared to bring a good child into the world. For 
Buddhists, physical preparation alone is not suffi-
cient because our human being consists not only of 
a body, but also of a mind: necessitating careful spir-
itual preparation for parents. The knowledge which 
Buddhism gives to 'would be' parents goes far be-
yond the frontiers of even modem medical science. 
According to Buddhist Teachings, each and every 
creature has their own individual kamma (i.e. store-
house of potential results of good and bad deeds 
performed in the past). According to the Buddhist 
proverb (S.i.227): 
Yadisara vappate Warp 
Tadisara harate phalatp. 
Kalyanakari kalyttualp 
Papakari ca papakata 
One reaps the fruit from the (type of) seed 
one sows: lovely out comes from lovely ac-
tions, ugly outcomes from ugly actions. 
Buddhist teachings also show that those who have 
done good deeds will be reborn in heaven after 
dying from the human realm, and when he is re-
born in the human realm, he will be born to wealthy 
and morally proper parents. A person who has per-
formed a lesser amount of merit, when being re-
born into the human realm, will be born to a less 
wealthy or even poor family, according to the de-
gree of his merit. The being always carries its past 
merits with it, even between births, and this merit 
has a determining effect on who its next parents 
will be. A being awaiting rebirth into the human 
realm will be born to parents with a level of merit 
equal to its own. It cannot be born to parents whose 
merit is greater or less than its own. Therefore, in 
order to bring a child into the world that is good, a 
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'would be' parent must perform as many meritorious 
deeds as possible, by making donations, keeping the 
Five Precepts and, most importantly, by meditat-
ing regularly. The result of such meritorious action 
will be to attract a being with a good level of merit 
to be born into their family. By these very actions, a 
'would be' parent prepares themself spiritually, 
ready to be a good father or mother—pure in body, 
speech and mind, beautified by the wisdom of 
meditation and ready to welcome the birth of a child 
perfect in personality and Dhamma. 
In the time of Luang Phaw Wat Paknam there was 
a merchant who came to Luang Phaw Wat Paknam 
complaining that for many years he had being try-
ing to have a child without success. Luang Phaw 
Wat Paknam asked him what sort of child he 
wanted. He said he wanted a good and virtuous 
child who was rich. He wanted a handsome child 
too. Luang Phaw Wat Paknam said that whatever 
you want your child to turn out like you have to 
make yourself as good as you want your child to 
be first — like a blueprint. Then he meditated to 
see which angel was about to run out of subtle merit 
(and die from heaven) who had those sort of char-
acteristics and would suggest which mother and 
father had a matching level of merit to be their new 
parents. If soldiers wanted a brave child then Luang 
Phaw Wat Paknam would give them the same ad-
vice to make themselves brave first of all. 
Some people might wonder why in some cases 
good children seem to be born to parents who are 
horrible and cruel and why good parents sometimes 
have horrible children or idiots. Such cases don't 
mean that the Law of Karma has its exceptions, but 
first we must understand all of the causes and ef-
fects coming into play. It is like breaking through 
the net. 
Supposing there is the case that a certain mother 
and father are good but they have an awful child. 
The circumstances for the birth might go something 
like this . . . supposing on the father's birthday all 
his friends assemble at his house to wish him a 
happy birthday. He thinks, "when in Rome you 
must do as do the Romans". Usually he never 
touches alcohol but on this occasion he makes an 
exception and opens a bottle of wine for all his 
friends. As the host he feels compelled to take the 
first sip of wine before passing the bottle on to his 
friends. A second sip follows the first and before 
long he feels slightly drunk (because he is not used 
to it). It happens that that very night is the night 
that he conceives a child. At the time both parents 
happen to be drunk, a being seeking to be born, a 
being with the karma of drunkeness in the past, 
finds just the right pair. Into the womb it goes and 
the (usually) good couple get themselves a baby 
that is going to grow up with the habits of a drunk-
ard. The moral of the story is, if you do good deeds, 
do good deeds consistently and don't open the op-
portunity to mistakes. Thus for a couple who have 
been good the whole of their lives but slip up for a 
single day, they might have to spend the rest of their 
lives bringing up a mentally handicapped child or 
a child that is mute. 
On the other hand there may be really terrible 
parents that have a good child. In Thailand of course 
there are some of the worst robbers and murder-
ers. However, before they go out to do their duty 
they will always ask for the blessing from the Tri-
ple Gem so that they can do their duty in safety. 
When they have accomplished their crime, again 
they ask the blessing of theTriple Gem to protect 
them from the police. In their wicked heart, there is 
still a glimmer of goodness. Sometimes, especially 
in a Buddhist country, although they are thinking 
of evil almost the whole of the time, because the 
environment is an amenable one, there will be 
things to remind them of virtue from time to time 
(e.g. when they see a monk passing by, or there are 
sermons broadcast on the radio and TV). Thus 
sometimes when there is something to kindle the 
glimmer of goodness to a glow in heart of a mother 
and father who are usually never interested in such 
things then there is a slight possibility that they may 
conceive a virtuous child. However the chance is 
really remote — not enough to pin your hopes on. 
B.2 From Conception to Birth 
Even two thousand five hundred years ago, the 
Lord Buddha's own mother, Queen Mahlunizyi 
knew how to take painstaking care of both her 
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physical and spiritual well-being while she was 
with child. The queen ate only agreeable foods and 
frequented the harmony of the natural environment 
as she came close to the time of childbirth. Queen 
Maya also maintained purity and stillness of mind 
throughout pregnancy by keeping the Eight Pre-
cepts and meditating. It seems that for Buddhists, 
care of the child since conception is an implicit part 
of the 'art of motherhood', re-iterated anew in the 
present day when medical science is catching up 
with ancient knowhow...and seemingly coming to 
the same conclusions... 
The mother who keeps the fifth of the five pre-
cepts will need not worry that her child be under 
weight or handicapped at birth because refraining 
from alcohol, intoxicating drugs and cigarettes cuts 
out a significant proportion of the risk in this re-
spect. Even medicine taken by the mother, may have 
side effects for the unborn child, and medicines 
taken should therefore only be those prescribed by 
the family doctor. 
Consideration of physical health alone is not suf-
ficient — the mother needs to be spiritually healthy 
too, so that the child to be born is perfect in mind 
as well as body. Modem medical science has shown 
that the embryo is sensitive to its mother's moods 
and emotions. Indeed, during the time of being car-
ried in the womb, the child is in the process of char-
acter formation. The art of having a good child is 
acknowledged these days, not to be merely a mat-
ter of genetic engineering, but of the suitability of 
the infra-uterine environment created by the mother 
during pregnancy; it is the key to raising one's chil-
dren from the time of conception. 
For this reason, the pregnant mother, the mother 
should attempt to keep her mind calm, undisturbed, 
stable and cheerful during the time of pregnancy. 
There is no end to the practical ways in which the 
mother can help the character of the child in the 
womb. While she is carrying the child, the mother 
should imagine pictures of how she would like her 
child to turn out. She should speak and sing lulla-
bies to the child in her womb. She shouldn't worry 
whether the child can hear or not, but bear in mind 
that if the child is at ease when he hears the moth-
er's voice, this influence will carry across to the time 
when the child is born. If the pregnant mother is at 
ease when she hears the word iSamma-aralwarts, 
the baby, when it is born, will immediately be at 
ease whenever it hears the words 'Samma-
arahage. The mother should be a teacher to the 
baby she is carrying: a teacher of meditation. Just 
by creating, the mood of centredness and peace for 
the child, when he closes his eyes inside the moth-
er's womb, he will see not darkness but a bright-
ness inside himself — the brightness of the virtue 
of his own two parents. 
There are certain things which the pregnant 
mother should avoid too. Just as good experiences 
by the mother can have a good effect on the child, 
during pregnancy, if there is any adverse influence 
on the mother's mind, the embryo will be adversely 
affected. If a child is born into the womb of a mother 
who often quarrels, the child which is born is likely 
to be morose and uncheerful by nature. 
Thus, if the mother finds stressful conditions at 
work, or has other traumatic experiences, the child 
will be highly strung. Better then, for the mother to 
take maternal leave from work during her preg-
nancy Very negative thoughts by the mother, espe-
cially by those mothers who have contemplated 
abortion, are picked up by the child and may cause 
the child to have an instinctive distrust or fear of 
his mother throughout their life. 
Better then, that the mother meditate every day, 
perform chanting, give alms and listen to sermons. 
The child whose mother is positive thinking and 
cheerful during pregnancy, is likely to be cheerful 
and positive thinking like her. Parents who make 
great self sacrifices, careful and wise in the support 
of their child during pregnancy, will gain a child 
who is an altruist, thorough and wise. The care 
taken by the mother during pregnancy will be trans-
formed by the child into love and respect for his 
parents, a readiness to go on to the next stage of his 
development that will come after his delivery. 
Even the attitude of the father has an influence 
on the well-being of the baby in the womb of his 
wife. The father will have to work harder when his 
wife is pregnant, helping her with the heavy work 
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she would normally do herself and being careful 
not to create situations that are going to irritate or 
upset the serenity of the mother. Even if normally 
he might bring the tensions and stresses of his work 
back home with him, now he must start to be more 
careful to leave his work in the office and not bring 
the chaos of his work home with him. 
B.3 From Birth to Adulthood 
There are five duties for the parent in bringing up 
their children from the time the child is born to the 
time he is old enough to look after himself 
(M.180): 
1. Not allowing your child to do anything evil 
2. Teach your child to be established in virtue 
3. See that your child is educated 
4. Arrange your child's marriage 
5. Pass on your legacy to your child 
For all five of these parental duties (especially es-
tablishing the child in virtue) it is absolutely neces-
sary that the parents have the following four quali-
ties: 
1. the ability to distinguish themselves between 
good and evil — i.e. they should be established 
in Right View. 
2. patience 
3. ability to recognize the characteristics of False 
Friends and Good Friends 
4. self-discipline 
If potential parents lack these prerequisites, perhaps 
they should wait until they manage to develop them 
before considering to have children. 
B.3.1 Not allowing their child to succumb w wickedness 
Not allowing your child to succumb to wickedness 
means to prevent your child exhibiting any of the 
sixteen traits already mentioned in the first bless-
ing for "false friends". Whether a child grows up 
into a fool or a wise one depends on their teacher 
and their environment. The first and most immedi-
ate environment to the child are the parents them-
selves. So here are some practical tips for how to 
prevent you child from doing evil: 
1. Set a good example: Thus the first thing you must 
do to teach your child to do no evil is not to say 
or do anything evil in front of your children. 
Hypocritical behaviour in front of your children 
will ruin their upbringing. Parents drink alco-
hol and smoke in front of their children and even 
send their children to buy liquor and cigarettes. 
They explain to the child "don't drink or smoke 
when you grow up — its bad for you!", but they 
think they themselves are too old to change and 
therefore don't even attempt to set an example. 
Such a lesson is of no value to the child. Even 
parents who teach their children to lie will suf-
fer in the end because the parent will become a 
victim of their own insincerity. 
2. Keep devices for evil-doing out of the house: You need 
to make sure the environment in the house is one 
which doesn't encourage evil, you should make 
sure that you don't allow equipment for doing 
evil into the house right from the time your first 
child is born objects such liquor bottles, wine 
brewing kits, gambling tables or pornographic 
materials should be cleared out of the house and 
no further such things allowed to enter into the 
house any more. 
3. Help choose your child's friends: Parents need to 
have a close relationship with both their child 
and his friends. This is to make sure that your 
child is not associating with friends who are go-
ing to influence him in a damaging way. Here 
are two suggestions which may be useful in this 
respect: 
1. Regular tea parties for a child and their friends: 
child and his friends to come to play once a 
week. It may be extra work to prepare cakes 
for all those friends but while the friends are 
tucking in to their tea, the parents will learn 
enough about the character of the friends from 
the things they say to advise their child which 
friends to associate with. 
2. At least one communal family meal per day: There 
should be at least one meal a day when all the 
family come together — maybe the evening 
meal — to give the chance for the parents to 
notice any signs of guilt on a child's face. The 
first time the child does something wrong 
(such as lying, smoking or shoplifting), the 
guilt will be very noticeable, the second and 
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subsequent times, less and less noticeable, 
until in the end there is no guilt. If the family 
are all together once day each day, then the 
parent can correct a child's behaviour while 
it is still fresh in the child's mind If your child 
plays with friends who are evil, then he will 
absorb those habits as his own such as swear-
words or unattractive slang. On a wider scale, 
bad friends may bring ruin to the family, as 
illustrated by the story of a chameleon play-
mate betraying an iguana tribe in the Godha 
Jataka (see §C.4 below). 
4. Dare to discipline: For children who have done a 
lot of good deeds in the past, you will not have 
to give very many suggestions or spend too 
much time correcting their behaviour. Some chil-
dren seem to know instinctively what is right and 
what is wrong and always keep themselves on 
the straight and narrow. For some children, be-
ing told off a single time will be enough to keep 
them from doing something evil all their life. 
However, there are some children who, take no 
notice however many times they are warned. If 
after sufficient criticism and reasoning the child 
is still stubborn or unresponsive or tries to see 
how far they can "try it on" with their parents' 
authority, they may need to be beaten. If they 
are not beaten they may be spoiled for the rest of 
their lives. Parents who need to punish their chil-
dren must give serious consideration to what 
long term effects the punishment will have on 
the child. The long term aim in educating a child 
to avoid evil is to build up shame of doing evil 
Ihiri] and fear of the consequences of evil 
[ottappa]. Many cultures think that beating a 
child is a necessary part of a child's education 
(viz. the English proverb "Spare the rod and spoil 
the child" — see §C.2 Tilamutthi Jataka be-
low), however, to beat a child, especially out of 
anger, teaches a child only to fear the parent or 
fear the stick, rather than fearing evil. Besides 
undermining parent child relationships, as the 
child grows bigger and stronger, the parent will 
be less and less able to control the child's behav-
iour by force. The objective parents should have 
in punishing a child is to shame the child from 
doing such an evil thing again. 
B.3.2 Teach your Child to be Established in Virtue 
The first "good friends" to each and every one of 
usin the world are our parents or guardians — they 
are the ones to instill the virtue of "being a teacher 
to yourself" [yonisomanasikara] in a child — and 
each parent must take responsibility for such a duty 
— from the time their child first opens their eyes to 
the world onwards. There is ample medical and 
psychological evidence to suggest that every indi-
vidual is impressionable right from the time of be-
ing a baby — for example a baby whose nappy is 
left unchanged regularly and soiled for long period 
of time is liable later in life to unhygienic and messy 
habits. 
Thus parents should not be neglectful in setting-
up the sort of habits they would like to see in their 
children — as for higher virtues— the importance 
is proportionally greater — you cannot just wait 
for teachers or schools to do the job for you — they 
will never be able to give full attention to the task 
because their students are many and the time for 
each is limited — and what's more a children's time 
spent at school is still less than the time spent at 
home. 
For all of these reasons — the instilling of virtue 
in children is an important duty for the parents -
right from the time the child is still a baby. It is a 
duty which requires perseverance and consistency 
and requires an understanding or sequencing and 
graduation in virtues taught to know what to teach 
a child first and what to keep until they are older. 
Just as mentioned for "preventing your child from 
doing evil", the parents can influence the child in a 
positive ways by: 
I. Setting a good example to your child: parents should 
show their generosity, do chanting etc. in front 
of their child and be seen by their children to 
take an interest in reading books on beneficial 
subjects. 
2. Choosing good friends for your child 
It may seem trivial or overzealous to worry about 
so many aspects of a child'senvironment and de-
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velopment. However, it should be pointed out that 
a child left to his own devices has a very slim chance 
of developing into a well-balanced adult. Just as a 
child left alone will choose junk food or conven-
ience food rather than nutritious food and grows 
up physically weak, a child left to choose its own 
sources of knowledge with out any guidelines will 
develop a flawed character. Thus, every child who 
grows up with a genuine respect for the Precepts 
and meditation together with a generous heart, does 
so only as the result of unflagging enthusiasm by 
his parents for instilling the value of Dhamma prac-
tice. 
Of course the possible virtues you can teach to a 
child are many, but the most important in the de-
velopment of "being a teacher to yourself" are: 
1. Knowledge of the highest aim of Buddhism (the high-
est aim in life of humankind). Buddhism teaches 
us to pursue perfection - when our perfections 
are fulfilled we will be able to overcome the last 
of the defilements in our minds - and we will be 
able to break free from the cycle of rebirth. 
2. Knowledge of how to practice in order to achieve our 
highest aim in life: normally the threefold prac-
tice of self-discipline [silo], meditation [sant& 
dhi] and wisdom [paiiiia]. 
3. The four virtues for a householder: [gharavasa-
dhamma]: 1. truthfulness [saces]; 2. training 
oneself Varna); 3. patience [khona], and; 4. self-
sacrifice Icergal 
4. Supporting their religion: That Buddhists have the 
job of supporting their religion: Because man's 
highest refuge is the Triple Gem, it means that 
care should be taken to support the Sangho or 
monastic community who perpetuate and 
spread Buddhism. If any monastic member is 
deprived of the support of householders — be-
fore long he will be unable to continue in his du-
ties — and in turn that is the end of the life of 
Buddhism — in other words it is the job of Bud-
dhists to support their religion. 
5. The Mantis's Sutta: Principles in keeping with 
(especially the first six) blessings of the Mafigala 
Sutta: 
1. not associating with fools: mother and father 
must teach children how to choose appropri-
ate friends and spouse; 
2. associating with the wise: i.e. those who are 
adept in self-discipline [silo], meditation 
Isamadhil and wisdom [pail fin]; 
3. honouring those worthy of respect: especially 
the Buddha, monks who practice well, mon-
archs established in the Ten Virtues of a Mon-
arch, parents and elder relatives and various 
teachers — even ones boss if he is honest. 
Having respect for such people means at-
tempting to follow the good example set by 
such people. 
4. Living in an amenable location: an unpolluted 
environment with good prospects for work 
and education both in worldly and spiritual 
ways — and even government — not some-
where dominated criminal underworld. 
5. Get down to the pursuit of the Perfections. 
Our work in the present time will bring its 
fruits in the future. In the same way the hap-
piness we receive in the present must be the 
result of our pursuit of perfection in the past, 
the merits we accrue will bring fruits ensur-
ing our intelligence, prosperity and progress 
in our duties in the future — and happiness 
in life in accordance with the Buddhist prov-
erb: 
The accrual of merit brings happiness 
(Dh.33) 
and 
Merit is the refuge of beings in the world 
to come 0.iv.62) 
Furthermore, the faith of those who are stead-
fast the accrual of merit will be a shield to pro-
tect them from the temptation of evil ways. 
6. Setting oneself up properly in life: especially 
having the correct aim in life. 
Anyone who has accumulated all the foregoing vir-
tues will be sure to have developedthe ability to be 
a teacher to themselves — with the flexibility to 
adopt appropriate to any circumstances — and will 
be able to earn their living successfully - life is 
happy and such a person has worth to society. 
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