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I. inspiring them to faith in the Triple Gem and nur-
ture them further to; 
2. be generous and keep a baseline of 
thcpalifiade them to listen to spiritual teachings: Some 
old parents are unable to go to a place where they can 
hear spiritual teachings for themselves but you can help 
the situation by reading them spiritual books to them or 
record a cassette of teaching for them to hear 
4. teach them how to meditate 
S. ordaining to pay debt of gratitude: In Thai culture 
especially, there is a tradition for sons to ordain 
temporarily at the age of twenty in order that the 
parents may gain merit from organizing their 
ordination. It is said that the sponsor of an ordination 
ceremony will gain half of the merit of the ordinand 
himself, therefore, as a dutiful son, finding the 
opportunity to ordain in order to repay one's debt of 
gratitude to one's parents, is an important part of 
cultivating the eleventh blessing. 
D.2.2 When parents have already passed away 
Even if your parents have already passed away, your 
duty as a grateful son or daughter is not finished. Apart 
from taking responsibility for organizing a fitting 
funeral, Buddhist sons and daughters will do 
meritorious deeds regularly and transfer the merit from 
the deeds for the benefit of their deceased parents. 
heir or will not make the earth will not laugh or cry. 
Thus if you want to announce to the world the goodness 
of your parents, you don't need to shout about it. The 
goodness of your parents will shine through your own 
behaviour, manners, the way you speak without you 
even having to mention your parents. We represent our 
parents and the way they have brought us up. We are 
their flesh and blood. Our mannerisms also come from 
our upbringing. That is why our behaviour is the most 
vivid way of announcing their goodness. It is not in 
their biography that we hand out at their funeral, but 
rather by our own behaviour which matters. Everyone 
loves their parents. Having this love one should an-
nounce their goodness through our good behaviour 
starting while they are still alive. In doing so, we will 
make them very happy. This is more important than 
writing their goodness in their biography which is of 
minute importance. It doesn't matter whether we 
intentionally want to announce our parents, goodness 
through our behaviour or not. Our actions speakfor 
themselves. It is up to us to create a good name for 
them through our behaviour. In doing so we make 
ourselves worthy to receive our parents' legacy. 
F. RECIPROCAL RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN PARENT 
BrdialikDSiigalovAda Sutta we learn that a child has 
duties towards his parents and parents have duties 
towards their children (see detail Blessing Twelve 
E. ANNOUNCING THE GOODNESS OF OUR PARE ilr 
en will fulfil their side of the bargain and in doing
. In the ideal world, both the parents and the 
Some people mistakenly think that a large family is 
so, no danger will grow up in the relationship or for 
interchangeable with a family of good repute. Thus they 
have many, many children thinking that in this way 
society at large — there will be happiness and 
prosperity both for parent, child and society at large. 
they will bring happiness to their own parents. 
However, whether one has an heir or not is not 
something that will make your parents or anyone else in 
the world laugh or cry. What is better — to have a 
hundred sons and daughters who do nothing to better 
the family reputation, or to work yourself bringing fame 
and fortune to the family yourself by the good and 
beneficial things you do for the rest of society — a 
person who is so good that their love is not limited to 
just a few sons and daughters but to the whole of the 
world (a parent to the whole of the world). Whether you 
have an 
If the child fulfils their duty according to Blessing 
Eleven but the parent doesn't fulfil their duty according 
to Blessing Twelve, harm will come to the parents and 
eventually to the child and society as well. There are 
some exceptional cases where a child has been so 
mistreated at the hands of his own parents that he or she 
finds it near impossible to imagine anything good about 
their parents. In such a case, we must remind ourselves 
that even if our parents abandon us at birth, we still 
have a huge 
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debt of gratitude to them for giving us our physical 
form as a human. In a case where one has been beaten 
or abused by one's parents, it is important to make a 
separation between the good things they have done to 
you and the bad. We must repay ow debt of gratitude 
for the good things and do our best to forgive the bad 
things, without mixing them up or thinking that one 
cancels out the other. Sometimes a dutiful son or 
daughter knows that giving their parents money will 
only fuel them into doing irresponsible things (like 
gambling) — in such cases, they should still be 
supported, but the support should be in the form of food 
or clothing that they cannot change into money. Such 
parents should be treated like a patient who is ill and 
sometimes can not be given what they crave for — but 
our parents should never be insulted by us because of 
their weaknesses. 
If the parents fulfil their duty according to Blessing 
Twelve, but the child does not fulfil their duty according 
to Blessing Eleven, harm will come to the child and 
eventually to the parents and society as well. 
If the child doesn't do their duty according to Blessing 
Eleven and the parents don't fulfil their duty according 
to Blessing Twelve, immediate harm will come to both 
and to society too. 
G. ILLUSTRATIVE EXAMPLES 
G.1 Metaphor: Parents as God [Brahma] 
Our parents have been compared to ow "God" or 
"Brahma" because they exhibit towards us all the 
underlying virtues exhibited by a God, i.e. the four 
Divine Abidings [brahmavihAra]: 
1. loving-kindness [mettA]: parents have the limitless 
wish that their children should remove themselves 
from suffering in every respect. 
2. compassion [karunA]: the parents make every effort 
to diminish the suffering of their children, never 
neglecting their child 
3. sympathetic joy [muditA]: whenever the child 
experiences success or happiness, the parents are 
sincerely happy on their child's part 
4. equanimity [upekkhA]: when the child has their own 
family and is able to look after its own affairs, the 
parents no longer interfere. If the chil 
dren make mistakes, the parents refrain from saying 
"I told you so", but give their opinion when asked 
for it. 
G.2 Metaphor: Parents as one's first Guardian Angel 
The parents are the first people known to the child to 
offer their protection to the child in every way 
G.3 Metaphor: Parents as First Teacher 
The parents are the first people known to the child to 
teach and train the child, whether it be how to walk or 
talk or how to cultivate good manners. 
G.4 Metaphor: Parents as Arahant 
The parents are as the child's arahant because they 
have four qualities: 
I. They bring the child great benefit: The parents fulfil 
the challenging duty of caring for the child in every 
way — something it would be hard to find anyone else 
to do in their place. 
2. They command respect but are endearing: protecting 
the child from all dangers, they also manage to bring 
gentle warmth to the child's life. 
3. They are the child's field of merit: They have com-
pletely pure intentions towards their children, making 
them a worthy object for the child's merit-making 
4. They are worthy of being bowed to: a child should 
express his respect for his parents by bowing or 
saluting them. 
G.5 Metaphor: Gold plate v.s Solid Gold 
Just as you can tell the difference between a gold-plated 
object and one that is solid gold by passing it through a 
flame, you can tell whether someone is truly virtuous 
by whether or not he cherishes his parents. 
G.6 Proverb: Carrying one's parents on one's 
shoulders for 100 years 
The Buddha taught that even if we were to carry our 
parents, one on each shoulder, for one hundred years, 
spoon-feeding them and allowing them to urinate and 
defecate on us, it would still be insufficient fully to 
repay our debt of gratitude to our parents. 
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6.7 Proverb: A skyful of parental praise 
If we were to use Mount Sumeru as our pen and all the 
water of the ocean as ow ink, even if we were to write 
the virtues of ow parents in the sky until there were no 
place left to write, the mountain were worn down and 
the seawater dry, we would still not have reached an 
end of our parents virtues. 
G.8 Er. The monk who went on almsround for his 
parents(MAtuposaka Sutta SA.181) 
Normally when a monk has gathered food on his 
almsround, he must take his meal from that food first 
before passing the remainder on to any lay supporters. 
In the time of the Buddha there was a monk whose 
parents were so poor they had nothing to eat. The monk 
went on almsround and gave the parents first choice of 
the food he managed to gather. Later, he was criticized 
by other monks who reported his behaviour to the 
Buddha. The Buddha said that what the monk had done 
was correct and that in the case a monk's parents 
needed food from his almsround, they may be served 
first and the monk himself take the remainder — an 
exception to the rule in keeping with the debt of grati-
tude even a monk should repay to his parents. 
G.9 Er. KaccAni JAtaka (1.417) 
After his father's death, a young man devoted himself 
entirely to his mother, until the latter, much against his 
will, brought him a wife. The wife plotted to estrange 
mother and son, and the old woman eventually had to 
leave the house. Having given birth to a son, the wife, 
went about saying that if the mother-in-law had been 
with her, such a blessing would have been impossible. 
When the old woman heard of this, she felt that such 
words showed that Dhamma must be dead. The woman 
went to a ceremony and started to perform a rite in the 
memory of the dead `Dhamma'. Sakka's throne became 
heated and hearing her story used his powers to 
reconcile the old 
woman 
with 
her son and 
daughter-in-law. 
The story was related to a young man of SAvatthE who 
looked after his aged mother until his wife came. The 
wife helped to look after her mother-inlaw at first, but 
later grew jealous of her husband's 
love for his mother and contrived to make the son angry 
with his mother. Finally she asked the man to choose 
between herself and his mother. The young man, 
without hesitation stood up for his mother and the wife, 
realizing her folly, mended her ways. 
J.iii.422ff. 
G.10 Ex. The Begging Bowl (traditional) 
Once upon a time, there was a family where the mother and 
father were already old. The only son loved his father and 
mother and took good care of them running errands and 
helping in the house throughout his childhood. Then the son 
came of age got married and had his own children. Unfortu-
nately, as soon as he got married he found that his wife's love 
for his old parents was far less titan his own. His wife chided 
him,"Don't you love your own children? Looking after your 
parents wastes time that could be better spent earning a good 
wage 
— let your parents look after themselves."At first he 
took no notice of his wife, but since his wife would 
complain and insist on this matter every day, eventually 
he forgot his debt of gratitude to his parents. He 
purchased a pair of clay bowls for his parents and 
instructed them, "Mother and father, from now on you 
must beg for a living," and went about earning his own 
living as best he could. The son's own children grew up 
to the age of five or six. 
One day their father came home from work to find his 
children decorating a coconut shell with the finest of 
ornaments. He asked, "What do you think you're doing 
with that coconut shell?" The children said said, "We're 
getting a begging bowl ready for you — to help you 
when you get too old to work!" Seeing his own children 
with the coconut shell, the father realized his own 
ingratitude and from that day forth invited his old 
parents to stay in his own home and looked after them 
in the best of comfort until the end of their days. This 
illustrates how powerful the parent's influence on his 
child and shows that the child's standard of good deeds 
comes directly from his parent's example. The Lord 
Buddha taught that the debt of gratitude we owe to ow 
parents is so great that it would 
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be hard to repay that debt of gratitude within a single 
life-time. Thus it is one of the duties outlined inthe 
SilgalovAda Sutta and the Malgala Sutta to cherish our 
own parents especially in old age. By doing this we not 
only repay our endebtedness to ow parents for giving 
us life — but we strengthen the structure of society to 
make it free from alienation especially for the senior 
citizens in society some of whom receive more comfort 
from their pet cats and dogs these days, than they do 
from their own sons and daughters. 
G.11 Et Even Buddha must care for his parents 
Even the Buddha himself devoted considerable time and 
effort to repaying the debt of gratitude he had to his 
parents. The Buddha spent the whole of one 
rainy-season retreat in TavatiOsa Heaven, through the 
might of his mental powers, in order to teach his late 
mother the whole of the Abhidhamma. His mother 
Queen MAyA had passed away only seven days after 
the birth of Prince Siddhartha. 
G.12 Et The Abandoned Brahmin 
Once, there lived in SAvatthE an old brahmin who was 
extremely rich. He had four sons and when each of the 
sons got married, he gave him a share of his wealth. 
Then, he gave away half of his remaining property to 
them. Later, his wife died. His sons came to him and 
looked after him very well and they were very loving 
and affectionate to him. During the course of time, 
somehow they influenced him to give them the other 
half of the remaining property. Thus, he was left 
penniless. First he went to stay with his eldest son. 
After a few days, the daughter-in-law said to him, 'Did 
you give any extra wealth to your eldest son? Don't you 
know the way to the house of your other sons?' Hearing 
this, the old brahmin got very angry and left the eldest 
son's house for the house of his second son. The same 
remarks were made by the wife of his second son and 
the old man went to the house of his third son and fi-
nally to the house of the fourth and youngest. Thus, the 
old man was left destitute and taking a staff and a bowl 
he went to the Buddha for pro 
tection and advice. At the monastery, the brahmin told 
the Buddha how his sons had mistreated him. The 
Enlightened One taught him some verses and advised 
him to recite them wherever there was a large gathering 
of people. The gist of the verses was as follows: 
'My four foolish sons are like ogres. They call me 
`father, father' but the words come only out of their 
mouths and not from their hearts. They are 
deceitful and scheming. Taking the advice of their 
wives they have driven me out of their houses. So, 
now I have been reduced to begging. Those sons 
are of less service to me than this staff of mine.' 
When the appointed day came for the brahmins of SAvatthE to 
hold their meeting and knowing that his sons would be there, the 
old brahmin also attended the meeting. Now at that time, the pre-
vailing law dictated that -whoever ill-treats his mother or father 
and does not support or look after them shall be punished". Many 
people in the crowd, on hearing the verses recited by the old 
brahmin, went wild with rage at the ungrateful sons and 
threatened them for neglecting their father. Then the sons realised 
their mistakes and knelt down at the feet of their father and asked 
for pardon. They also promised that from that day forth, they 
would look after him properly and would respect, love and 
honour him. They also warned their wives to look after their 
father well. Each of the sons gave him proper food and clothing. 
Thus the brahmin became healthier. So, he went to the Buddha 
and humbly requested him to accept two food-trays out of the 
four he was receiving every day from his sons. One day, the 
eldest son invited the Buddha to his house for almsfood. After the 
meal, the Buddha gave a discourse on the benefits to be gained by 
looking after one's parents. 
The Buddha related to themthe story of the elephant 
called Dhanapala, who looked after his parents. 
Dhanapala when captured pined for the parents who 
were left in the forest. 
DhammapadaEEhakathA, XXIII: 3 
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G.13 Orphan with a Debt to Pay (traditional) 
There was once a woman of the streets who was with child. By 
profession she knew that if the child was born a boy, she would 
be unable to keep him. Her anxiety only increased day-by-day 
until at the end of nine months, her fears were realized. The new-
born babe was a boy. Many times she took the baby to the river's 
edge with the full intention to drown him and finish the whole 
business, but with tears in her eyes from having borne him in her 
womb for so long, she could not bring herself todo it. At the same 
time, she could not keep the child or else she would destroy her 
livelihood. Shc left him in a bundle by the roadside with the 
thought that there might be some chance of a compassionate 
passer-by seeing the child and adopting him. The first passer-by 
that morning was the abbot from the local temple on his 
almsround. He spotted the baby and afraid that he starve, took 
him back to the temple. The abbot guessed how the baby had 
come to be there but in the absence of anyone coming to claim 
him back, provided all the food, shelter, clothing and education 
the child needed to grow-up to teenage. The boy could run and 
play with the other children and do everything expected of him 
but he had a chip on his shoulder and would run and hide if any of 
the others teased him for not having a mother and father. The boy 
would blame his unseen parents for the predicament in which he 
found himself. One day the abbot heard the boy complaining out 
loud about the parents who had abandoned him. The abbot 
thought, - the time has come to talk to this boy about his life." 
"If someone were to give you a dollar, would you curse 
him?" the abbot asked the boy. 
"Of course not," replied the boy, "I should bow to that 
person, or at least thank him and I would not forget my 
gratitude to him!" 
"And if someone were to come along and offer you a 
dollar for your life would you take it?" 
"Of course I wouldn't," replied the boy indignantly."Do 
you think that's all my life is worth?" 
"Ten dollars then?" 
"You must be joking!" The abbot raised the sum to a 
hundred, a thousand, ten-thousand, a hundred-thousand 
and a million dollars, but the boy would not part with his 
life. Asked why, the boy replied, "even a million dollars is 
useless if you have no life left to spend it." 
"Well, what about if someone were to come along and 
offer you a dollar to cut off your right arm? Would you 
take it?' 
"Of course I wouldn't," replied the boy indignantly."Do 
you think that's all the integrity of my body is worth?' 
"Ten dollars then?' 
"Daylight robbery!" 
The abbot raised the sum to a hundred, a thousand, 
ten-thousand, a hundred-thousand and a million dollars, 
but the boy would not part with his right arm. "Don't you 
want to be a millionaire?" asked the abbot. The boy 
said,"even a million dollars is no substitute for the loss of 
one's physical integrity." 
"And if someone were to come along and offer you a 
dollar to cut off your little finger? Would you take it?" 
"Of course I wouldn't," replied the boy indignantly." 
Do you think you can put a price on part of the human 
body?" 
"Ten dollars then?' 
"Forget it!" The abbot raised the sum to a hundred, a 
thousand, ten-thousand, a hundred-thousand and a million 
dollars, but the boy would not part with his little finger. 
Asked why, the boy said that even a million dollars could 
not replace the thing most precious to him — a healthy, 
human body. 
"Just now you said that if someone gave you a dollar, 
you would thank him, bow to him and never forget your 
gratitude to him — yet your parents have given you 
your healthy, human body free, even the little finger of 
which you would not part with for a million dollars —
how come you sit here cursing them for not having 
given you more?" 
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Blessing Twelve: 
Raising our children 
A. Introduction 
A.I The Harm of Bad Parental Upbringing 
The SiigalovAda Sutta teaches us to develop respect for 
human dignity towards ourselves, towards others and 
towards a fair economic system in general. Sometimes 
we have to work on ourselves throughout our lives to 
develop these qualities, but for sure, the seeds of these 
qualities for every "global being" need to be planted by 
the parents during childhood as part of that child's 
upbringing. If the child is neglected when growing up, 
they will grow up to lack any sense of responsibility 
for: 
I. their own human dignity 
2. the human dignity of others 
3. the human dignity underlying the economics of 
society at large 
The catastrophe brought to society by such parental 
neglect can be enlarged asfollows: 
I. lacking responsibility for their own human dignity 
means: if the parents lack self-discipline and don't 
fulfil the minimal duties laid down by the Buddha, the 
first signs of harm will be that their children lack any 
sense of responsibility for their own human dignity —
this being expressed in four different ways by the 
child's behaviour: 
I. False View: the child will not know the difference 
between virtue and evil, good and bad, appropriate 
and inappropriate and therefore will have no shame 
of evil [hiri] or fear of the 
consequences of evil; 
2. Lack of aim in life: the child will have no spiritual 
aim in life, and therefore will tend to material 
extravagence and selfishness. Such a person will 
take every opportunity to do evil deeds that their 
circumstances and needs demand; 
3. Lack of health and hygene: the child will be in-
competent in looking after their own health, perhaps 
being promiscuous, thereby destroying their own 
health and human endowments; 
4. Lack of interest in self-development: Because of 
having no clear aim in life or perhaps because of bad 
health, the child will be discouraged from any efforts 
to study either worldly or spiritual knowledge. As a 
result they become even more entrenched in False 
View and may bring catastrophe to society —
perhaps going even so far as to betray their own 
country. 
2. lacking responsibility for the human dignity of oth-
ers: if the parents lack self-discipline and don't fulfil 
their own duties, the second sign of harm will be that 
their children lack any sense of responsibility for the 
human dignity of others sharing society— this being 
expressed in three different ways by the child's 
behaviour: 
I. Bias: Having perhaps been on the receiving end 
of parental bias, when older and finding themselves 
in positions of responsibility, the 
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child's tendency to bias in decision-making, 
because of greed, hatred, delusion or fear, may do 
important damage to others in society; 
2. Narrow-minded and selfish: If the child grows up 
into someone narrow-minded and selfish, they might 
be alienated in society for the rest of their life 
because no-one wants to associate with them. 
3. Lacks any signs of altruism: Having perhaps not 
had any parental training in altruism, when coming 
in contact with a wider society, when the child's 
patience is tried, they might lose control of 
themselves, expressing themselves in a rude or 
violent way. 
3. lacking responsibility for self-discipline (economic 
fairness): if the parents lack self-discipline and don't fulfil 
their own duties, the second sign of harm will be that their 
children lack any sense of responsibility for self-discipline 
(economicfaimess) — this being expressed in three differ-
ent ways by the child's behaviour: 
1. Frivolous with money: not seeing the value of 
money, and lacking restraint in expenditure, when a 
child is no longer able to ask money from their 
parents, they look for new sources of income, the 
easiest of which are usually those concerned with the 
Six Roads to Ruin. 
2. Addicted to the Six Roads to Ruin 
3. Unable to uphold the family name: Even while 
still young, the badly-raised child can destroy the 
family name and when older, they will be unable to 
act as a steward for the family fortune. 
In conclusion it can be said that two major problems 
stem from bad upbringingof children: 
1. Problems of Juvenile Delinquency: Problems con-
cerning young people in every country are becoming 
increasingly serious and aggressive with every year that 
passes. In the olden days, the problems of young people 
would affect only those of age fifteen upwards, but now 
the problems are evident from primary school upwards. 
2. Parental Problems: Neglect of parental duties would 
appear to hold a large stake in the problems of young 
people — when parents lack the 
self-discipline to fulfil their own duties, it is no 
surprise that their children have no self-discipline 
either and lack any sense of responsibility for human 
dignity. Juvenile delinquency starts in the home and 
goes on to exacerbate all other sorts of social 
problems. Most people fail to see the connection 
between the problems, but the Lord Buddha 
recognized the importance of the parental duty in 
bringing up their children properly — and in the 
SilgalovAda Sutta, accordingly put the parents in the 
most prestigious Eastern Quarter (where the sun 
rises) as a reminder of the importance of this 
relationship. The implication of the Buddha's 
teaching is that anyone unwilling or unable to fulfil 
the duties of a good parent according to the 
Buddha's teaching, should consider themselves too 
immature to marry or have a family — because if 
they go ahead and have a family while still unable to 
be a good parent, they are sowing the seeds of im-
mediate social catastrophe. 
Realizing the seriousness of the duties upon the 
shoulders of any parent, it is obvious that we must take 
care in studying exactly how the Buddha taught parents 
to raise their children and the means by which these can 
be achieved. In doing so,we can guard against 
becoming the sort of parents who look back on what 
they have achieved during their life and feel nothing but 
regret — because there is nothing more heartbreaking 
than having brought up a child who makes a mess out 
of their own life, life of others or of society at large. 
A.2 The True Meaning of the Word 'Child' 
The Pali word for 'child' is 'putt'''. This word is still 
found in some European languages and usually means a 
sort of 'cherub'. However, if you look a the root of the 
word, it doesn't just mean 'child' but also 'unstained', 
'pure' or 'fulfilling'. Thus the real meaning of a child is to 
be the one who purifies the family name. The word also 
means the one who brings joy to the heart of his parents. 
The child we bring up may be of our own flesh or 
blood, or the child may be adopted — the Buddha 
categorized children according to their origins: 
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I. ones born of our own flesh [atraja] 
2. ones born on ow property [khettaja] 
3. adopted children given to us by others [dinnaka] 
4. our students [antevAsika] KaEEhahAri JAtaka 
(J.i. 35) 
— but it makes no difference to the thoroughness with 
which we must practice our parental duties towards them. 
It is implied that no matter how the child in our care 
comes to us, we must still practice and fulfil our parental 
duties towards them. 
Some people who still have a lot of defilements want to 
have a lot of children. Luang Phaw Wat Paknam said 
that if you want to have a lot of children who are full of 
virtue you should ordain as a monk because you will 
have many students as your children. If you have 
children of your own flesh and blood who turn out 
troublesome they you have to put up with looking after 
them the whole of your life. However, if they are your 
students and they are troublesome at least you can make 
your selection.You can say goodbye to the troublemak-
ers and choose the good ones. Look at the Buddha's 
example — even after 2,500 years after his ParinibbAna 
there are still children of the Buddha being born today. 
B. THE COMPONENTS OF GOOD UPBRINGING 
'Would be' parents must prepare themselves, both 
inworldly and spiritual ways so they are ready to bring 
a good child into the world and bring him up to be a 
good person. The parent needs to prepare themselves 
for three different stages bringing a good child into the 
world: 
I. before conception 
2. from conception to birth 
3. from birth to adulthood 
The task is not easy — really it can be considered a 
full-time job — but the benefits of success will be the 
lifelong pride of the parents. 
As already mentioned, 'good child' from the parents' 
point of view, covers abroad range of meanings: in 
brief, possessing all sorts of virtues, good physique and 
sound mind. However, it is hard to find a person perfect 
in every sense of the word. 
Generally, a child held to be good, will have three 
qualities; they will be brainy; well-behaved (i.e. be able 
to follow the Precepts), and good hearted (i.e. generous 
and compassionate). These are the basis of a child's 
virtue. Any other goodness in which the parent can 
train their child, are all well and good and will add to 
the parents' pride in their child. 
B. I Before Conception 
The parent must be both physically and mentally 
prepared to bring a good child into the world. For 
Buddhists, physical preparation alone is not sufficient 
because our human being consists not only of a body, 
but also of a mind: necessitating careful spiritual 
preparation 
for 
parents. The 
knowledge which 
Buddhism gives to `would be' parents goes far beyond 
the frontiers of even modem medical science. 
According to Buddhist Teachings, each and every 
creature has their own individual kamma (i.e. store-
house of potential results of good and bad deeds 
performed in the past). According to the Buddhist 
proverb (S.i.227): 
YAdisaO vappate bEjaO 
TAdisaO harate phalaO 
KalyAAakArE kalyAAaO 
PApakArE ca pApakaO 
One reaps the fruit from the (type of) seed 
one sows: lovely out comes from lovely ac 
tions, ugly outcomes from ugly actions. 
Buddhist teachings also show that those who have done 
good deeds will be reborn in heaven after dying from 
the human realm, and when he is reborn in the human 
realm, he will be born to wealthy and morally proper 
parents. A person who has performed a lesser amount 
of merit, when being reborn into the human realm, will 
be born to a less wealthy or even poor family, 
according to the degree of his merit. The being always 
carries its past merits with it, even between births, and 
this merit has a determining effect on who its next 
parents will be. A being awaiting rebirth into the human 
realm will be born to parents with a level of merit equal 
to its own. It cannot be born to parents whose merit is 
greater or less than its own. Therefore, in order to bring 
a child into the world that is good, a 
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'would be' parent must perform as many meritorious 
deeds as possible, by making donations, keeping the 
Five Precepts and, most importantly, by meditating 
regularly. The result of such meritorious action will be 
to attract a being with a good level of merit to be born 
into their family. By these very actions, a 'would be' 
parent prepares themself spiritually, ready to be a good 
father or mother — pure in body, speech and mind, 
beautified by the wisdom of meditation and ready to 
welcome the birth of a child perfect in personality and 
Dhamma. 
In the time of Luang Phaw Wat Paknam there was a merchant 
who came to Luang Phaw Wat Paknam complaining that for 
many years he had being trying to have a child without 
success. Luang Phaw Wat Paknam asked him what sort of 
child he wanted. Ile said he wanted a good and virtuous child 
who was rich. Ile wanted a handsome child too. Luang Phaw 
Wat Paknam said that whatever you want your child to turn 
out like you have to make yourself as good as you want your 
child to be first — like a blueprint. Then he meditated to see 
which angel was about to run out of subtle merit (and die from 
heaven) who had those son of characteristics and would 
suggest which mother and father had a matching level of merit 
to be their new parents. If soldiers wanted a brave child then 
Luang Phaw \Vat Paknam would give them the same advice to 
make themselves brave first of all. 
Some people might wonder why in some cases good 
children seem to be born to parents who are horrible 
and cruel and why good parents sometimes have 
horrible children or idiots. Such cases don't mean that 
the Law of Karma has its exceptions, but first we must 
understand all of the causes and effects coming into 
play. It is like breaking through the net. 
Supposing there is the case that a certain mother and 
father are good but they have an awful child. The 
circumstances for the birth might go something like this 
... supposing on the father's birthday all his friends 
assemble at his house to wish him a happy birthday. He 
thinks, "when in Rome you must do as do the Romans". 
Usually he never touches alcohol but on this occasion 
he makes an 
exception and opens a bottle of wine for all his friends. 
As the host he feels compelled to take the first sip of 
wine before passing the bottle on to his friends. A 
second sip follows the first and before long he feels 
slightly drunk (because he is not used to it). It happens 
that that very night is the night that he conceives a 
child. At the time both parents happen to be drunk, a 
being seeking to be born, a being with the karma of 
drunkeness in the past, finds just the right pair. Into the 
womb it goes and the (usually) good couple get 
themselves a baby that is going to grow up with the 
habits of a drunkard. The moral of the story is, if you do 
good deeds, do good deeds consistently and don't open 
the opportunity to mistakes. Thus for a couple who 
have been good the whole of their lives but slip up for a 
single day, they might have to spend the rest of their 
lives bringing up a mentally handicapped child or a 
child that is mute. 
On the other hand there may be really terrible parents that 
have a good child. In Thailand of course there are some of the 
worst robbers and murderers. However, before they go out to 
do their duty they will always ask for the blessing from the 
Triple Gem so that they can do their duty in safety. When 
they have accomplished their crime, again they ask the 
blessing of theTriple Gem to protect them from the police. In 
their wicked heart, there is still a glimmer of goodness. 
Sometimes, especially in a Buddhist country, although they 
are thinking of evil almost the whole of the time, because the 
environment is an amenable one, there will be things to 
remind them of virtue from time to time 
(e.g. when they see a monk passing by, or there are 
sermons broadcast on the radio and TV). Thus 
sometimes when there is something to kindle the 
glimmer of goodness to a glow in heart of a mother and 
father who are usually never interested in such things 
then there is a slight possibility that they may conceive 
a virtuous child. However the chance is really remote 
— not enough to pin your hopes on. 
R2 From Conception to Birth 
Even two thousand five hundred years ago, the Lord 
Buddha's own mother, Queen MahAmAyA knew how 
to take painstaking care of both her 
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physical and spiritual well-being while she was with 
child. The queen ate only agreeable foods and 
frequented the harmony of the natural environment as 
she came close to the time of childbirth. Queen MAyA 
also maintained purity and stillness of mind throughout 
pregnancy by keeping the Eight Precepts and 
meditating. It seems that for Buddhists, care of the child 
since conception is an implicit part of the `art of 
motherhood', re-iterated anew in the present day when 
medical science is catching up with ancient 
knowhow...and seemingly coming to the same 
conclusions... 
The mother who keeps the fifth of the five precepts will 
need not worry that her child be under weight or 
handicapped at birth because refraining from alcohol, 
intoxicating drugs and cigarettes cuts out a significant 
proportion of the risk in this respect. Even medicine taken 
by the mother, may have side effects for the unborn child, 
and medicines taken should therefore only be those 
prescribed by the family doctor. 
Consideration of physical health alone is not sufficient 
— the mother needs to be spiritually healthy too, so 
that the child to be born is perfect in mind as well as 
body. Modem medical science has shown that the 
embryo is sensitive to its mother's moods and 
emotions. Indeed, during the time of being carried in 
the womb, the child is in the process of character 
formation. The art of having a good child is 
acknowledged these days, not to be merely a matter of 
genetic engineering, but of the suitability of the 
intra-uterine environment created by the mother during 
pregnancy; it is the key to raising one's children from 
the time of conception. 
For this reason, the pregnant mother, the mother should 
attempt to keep her mind calm, undisturbed, stable and 
cheerful during the time of pregnancy. There is no end 
to the practical ways in which the mother can help the 
character of the child in the womb. While she is 
carrying the child, the mother should imagine pictures 
of how she would like her child to turn out. She should 
speak and sing lullabies to the child in her womb. She 
shouldn't worry whether the child can hear or not, but 
bear in mind that if the child is at ease when he hears 
the moth 
er's voice, this influence will carry across to the time 
when the child is born. If the pregnant mother is at ease 
when she hears the word 'SammA-arahaO', the baby, 
when it is born, will immediately be at ease whenever it 
hears the words `SammAarahaO1. The mother should 
be a teacher to the baby she is carrying: a teacher of 
meditation. Just by creating, the mood of centredness 
and peace for the child, when he closes his eyes inside 
the mother's womb, he will see not darkness but a 
brightness inside himself — the brightness of the virtue 
of his own two parents. 
There are certain things which the pregnant mother should 
avoid too. Just as good experiences by the mother can have 
a good effect on the child, during pregnancy, if there is any 
adverse influence on the mother's mind, the embryo will 
be adversely affected. If a child is born into the womb of a 
mother who often quarrels, the child which is born is likely 
to be morose and uncheerful by nature. 
Thus, if the mother finds stressful conditions at work, or 
has other traumatic experiences, the child will be highly 
strung. Better then, for the mother to take maternal leave 
from work during her pregnancy Very negative thoughts 
by the mother, especially by those mothers who have 
contemplated abortion, are picked up by the child and may 
cause the child to have an instinctive distrust or fear of his 
mother throughout their life. 
Better then, that the mother meditate every day, 
perform chanting, give alms and listen to sermons. The 
child whose mother is positive thinking and cheerful 
during pregnancy, is likely to be cheerful and positive 
thinking like her. Parents who make great self 
sacrifices, careful and wise in the support of their child 
during pregnancy, will gain a child who is an altruist, 
thorough and wise. The care taken by the mother during 
pregnancy will be transformed by the child into love 
and respect for his parents, a readiness to go on to the 
next stage of his development that will come after his 
delivery. 
Even the attitude of the father has an influence on the 
well-being of the baby in the womb of his wife. The 
father will have to work harder when his wife is 
pregnant, helping her with the heavy work 
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she would normally do herself and being careful not to 
create situations that are going to irritate or upset the 
serenity of the mother. Even if normally he might bring 
the tensions and stresses of his work back home with 
him, now he must start to be more careful to leave his 
work in the office and not bring the chaos of his work 
home with him. 
11.3 From Birth to Adulthood 
There are five duties for the parent in bringing up their 
children from the time the child is born to the time he is 
old enough to look after himself (D.iii.I 80): 
I. Not allowing your child to do anything evil 
2. Teach your child to be established in virtue 
3. See that your child is educated 
4. Arrange your child's marriage 
5. Pass on your legacy to your child 
For all five of these parental duties (especially es-
tablishing the child in virtue) it is absolutely necessary 
that the parents have the following four qualities: 
I. the ability to distinguish themselves between good 
and evil — i.e. they should be established in Right 
View. 
2. patience 
3. ability to recognize the characteristics of False 
Friends and Good Friends 
4. self-discipline 
If potential parents lack these prerequisites, perhaps 
they should wait until they manage to develop them 
before considering to have children. 
8.3.1 Not allowing their child to succumb to wickedness 
Not allowing your child to succumb to wickedness 
means to prevent your child exhibiting any of the 
sixteen traits already mentioned in the first blessing for 
"false friends". Whether a child grows up into a fool or 
a wise one depends on their teacher and their 
environment. 
The 
first 
and 
most 
immediate 
environment to the child are the parents themselves. So 
here are some practical tips for how to prevent you 
child from doing evil: 
I. Set a good example: Thus the first thing you must do 
to teach your child to do no evil is not to say 
or do anything evil in front of your children. 
Hypocritical behaviour in front of your children will 
ruin their upbringing. Parents drink alcohol and 
smoke in front of their children and even send their 
children to buy liquor and cigarettes. They explain to 
the child "don't drink or smoke when you grow up 
— its bad for you!", but they think they themselves 
are too old to change and therefore don't even 
attempt to set an example. Such a lesson is of no 
value to the child. Even parents who teach their 
children to lie will suffer in the end because the 
parent will become a victim of their own insincerity. 
2. Keep devices for evil-doing out of the house: You 
need to make sure the environment in the house is one 
which doesn't encourage evil, you should make sure 
that you don't allow equipment for doing evil into the 
house right from the time your first child is born objects 
such liquor bottles, wine brewing kits, gambling tables 
or pornographic materials should be cleared out of the 
house and no further such things allowed to enter into 
the house any more. 
3. Help choose your child's friends: Parents need to 
have a close relationship with both their child and his 
friends. This is to make sure that your child is not 
associating with friends who are going to influence him 
in a damaging way. Here are two suggestions which 
may be useful in this respect: 
I. Regular tea parties for a child and their friends: 
child and his friends to come to play once a 
week. It may be extra work to prepare cakes for 
all those friends but while the friends are tucking 
in to their tea, the parents will learn enough about 
the character of the friends from the things they 
say to advise their child which friends to 
associate with. 
2. At least one communal family meal per day: There 
should be at least one meal a day when all the family 
come together — maybe the evening meal — to give 
the chance for the parents to notice any signs of guilt 
on a child's face. The first time the child does 
something wrong (such as lying, smoking or 
shoplifting), the guilt will be very noticeable, the 
second and 
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subsequent times, less and less noticeable, until in 
the end there is no guilt. If the family are all 
together once day each day, then the parent can 
correct a child's behaviour while it is still fresh in 
the child's mind If your child plays with friends 
who are evil, then he will absorb those habits as 
his own such as swearwords or unattractive slang. 
On a wider scale, bad friends may bring ruin to 
the family, as illustrated by the story of a 
chameleon playmate betraying an iguana tribe in 
the Godha JAtaka (see §C.4 below). 
4. Dare to discipline: For children who have done a lot 
of good deeds in the past, you will not have to give very 
many suggestions or spend too much time correcting 
their behaviour. Some children seem to know 
instinctively what is right and what is wrong and always 
keep themselves on the straight and narrow. For some 
children, being told off a single time will be enough to 
keep them from doing something evil all their life. 
However, there are some children who, take no notice 
however many times they are warned. If after sufficient 
criticism and reasoning the child is still stubborn or 
unresponsive or tries to see how far they can "try it on" 
with their parents' authority, they may need to be 
beaten. If they are not beaten they may be spoiled for 
the rest of their lives. Parents who need to punish their 
children must give serious consideration to what long 
term effects the punishment will have on the child. The 
long term aim in educating a child to avoid evil is to 
build up shame of doing evil [hiri] and fear of the 
consequences of evil [ottappa]. Many cultures think that 
beating a child is a necessary part of a child's education 
(viz. the English proverb "Spare the rod and spoil the 
child" — see §C.2 TilamuEEhi JAtaka below), 
however, to beat a child, especially out of anger, 
teaches a child only to fear the parent or fear the stick, 
rather than fearing evil. Besides undermining parent 
child relationships, as the child grows bigger and 
stronger, the parent will be less and less able to control 
the child's behaviour by force. The objective parents 
should have 
in punishing a child is to shame the child from doing 
such an evil thing again. 
B.3.2 Teach your Child to be Established in Virtue 
The first -good friends" to each and every one of usin the 
world are our parents or guardians — they are the ones to 
instill the virtue of **being a teacher to yourself' 
[yonisomanasikAra) in a child — and each parent must 
take responsibility for such a duty 
— from the time their child first opens their eyes to the 
world onwards. There is ample medical and psychological 
evidence to suggest that every individual is impressionable 
right from the time of being a baby — for example a baby 
whose nappy is left unchanged regularly and soiled for 
long period of time is liable later in life to unhygienic and 
messy habits. 
Thus parents should not be neglectful in setting-up the sort of 
habits they would like to see in their children — as for higher 
virtues— the importance is proportionally greater — you 
cannot just wait for teachers or schools to do the job for you 
— they will never be able to give full attention to the task 
because their students are many and the time for each is 
limited — and what's more a children's time spent at school 
is still less than the time spent at home. 
For all of these reasons — the instilling of virtue in 
children is an important duty for the parents — right 
from the time the child is still a baby. It is a duty which 
requires perseverance and consistency and requires an 
understanding or sequencing and graduation in virtues 
taught to know what to teach a child first and what to 
keep until they are older. Just as mentioned for 
"preventing your child from doing evil", the parents 
can influence the child in a positive ways by: 
I. Setting a good example to your child: parents should 
show their generosity, do chanting etc. in front of their 
child and be seen by their children to take an interest in 
reading books on beneficial subjects. 
2. Choosing good friends for your child 
It may seem trivial or overzealous to worry about so 
many aspects of a child'senvironment and de-
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velopment. However, it should be pointed out that a 
child left to his own devices has a very slim chance of 
developing into a well-balanced adult. Just as a child 
left alone will choose junk food or convenience food 
rather than nutritious food and grows up physically 
weak, a child left to choose its own sources of 
knowledge with out any guidelines will develop a 
flawed character. Thus, every child who grows up with 
a genuine respect for the Precepts and meditation 
together with a generous heart, does so only as the 
result of unflagging enthusiasm by his parents for 
instilling the value of Dhamma practice. 
Of course the possible virtues you can teach to a child 
are many, but the most important in the development of 
"being a teacher to yourself' are: 
1. Knowledge of the highest aim of Buddhism (the high-
est aim in life of humankind). Buddhism teaches us to 
pursue perfection — when ow perfections are fulfilled 
we will be able to overcome the last of the defilements 
in our minds — and we will be able to break free from 
the cycle of rebirth. 
2. Knowledge of how to practice in order to achieve 
our highest aim in life: normally the threefold practice 
of self-discipline [sEla], meditation [samAdhi] and 
wisdom [pafiltA]. 
3. The four virtues for a householder [gharavAsa-
dhamma]: I. truthfulness [sacca]; 2. training oneself 
[dama]; 3. patience [khanti], and; 4. self-sacrifice 
[cAga]. 
4. Supporting their religion: That Buddhists have the 
job of supporting their religion: Because man's highest 
refuge is the Triple Gem, it means that care should be 
taken to support the Saigha or monastic community 
who perpetuate and spread Buddhism. If any monastic 
member is deprived of the support of householders —
before long he will be unable to continue in his duties — 
and in turn that is the end of the life of Buddhism — in 
other words it is the job of Buddhists to support their 
religion. 
5. The Maigala Sutta: Principles in keeping with 
(especially the first six) blessings of the Maigala Sutta: 
I. not associating with fools: mother and father 
must teach children how to choose appropriate 
friends and spouse; 
2. associating with the wise: i.e. those who are adept 
in self-discipline [sEla], meditation [samAdhi] and 
wisdom [pafitiA]; 
3. honouring those worthy of respect: especially the 
Buddha, monks who practice well, monarchs 
established in the Ten Virtues of a Monarch, parents 
and elder relatives and various teachers — even ones 
boss if he is honest. Having respect for such people 
means attempting to follow the good example set by 
such people. 
4. Living in an amenable location: an unpolluted 
environment with good prospects for work and 
education both in worldly and spiritual ways — and 
even government — not somewhere dominated 
criminal underworld. 
5. Get down to the pursuit of the Perfections. Our 
work in the present time will bring its fruits in the 
future. In the same way the happiness we receive in 
the present must be the result of our pursuit of 
perfection in the past, the merits we accrue will 
bring fruits ensuring our intelligence, prosperity and 
progress in our duties in the future — and happiness 
in life in accordance with the Buddhist proverb: 
The accrual of merit brings happiness (Dh.33) 
and Merit is the refuge of beings in the world to 
come (J.iv.62) 
Furthermore, the faith of those who are steadfast 
the accrual of merit will be a shield to protect 
them from the temptation of evil ways. 
6. Setting oneself up properly in life: especially 
having the correct aim in life. 
Anyone who has accumulated all the foregoing virtues 
will be sure to have developedthe ability to be a teacher 
to themselves — with the flexibility to adopt 
appropriate to any circumstances — and will be able to 
earn their living successfully — life is happy and such a 
person has worth to society. 
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Apart from the virtues mentioned above, parents should 
be ultra-critical of table manners, sleeping habits 
(especially fixing bedtime) and working habits 
(especially working hours) — because these are all 
fundemental 
ways of developing self-discipline. 
Without the parent's prodding, you can be certain that 
self-discipline will not develop by accident. A child 
should also be expected to make a contribution to the 
work of the household since they are small if theyare 
waited upon hand and foot and have too much time on 
their hands, in the end the child may be unable to help 
themselves. 
R3.3 Giving your child an education 
Education is the gateway to knowledge and wisdom for 
your child. If a child has the chance for a full 
education. Then success will follow on in later life. 
Thus parents should instill in their children the love of 
education and reading by: 
I. choosing good books for your child: The same thing 
goes for books which the children should read. Of 
course the books most suitable for the child to read are 
the ones that children are too lazy to read. Children 
would usually like to read any sort of book of cartoons 
or book with no serious content instead. It is up to 
parents therefore, to find ways to make useful books 
interesting to their children, such as getting the children 
to read such books aloud to their parents. 
2. choosing good teachers for your child: means taking 
your child to study with monks or masters of secular 
subjects. Parents can also help their children by finding 
a good school for their children and special tuition. 
Children might also need their parent's help in learning 
how to split their time between study and play. In study 
time children should study hard: in freetime, playhard. 
The problem with childrens' education is that all 
parents would like their children to be top of the class. 
They want their children to be accepted into the best 
school. Whether the child lives up to these expectations 
does not depend on their parent's wishes however, but 
on two important factors the child's past merits (gifted 
and wise from birth) and his environment. The parents 
have their strongest influence on the second factor. In 
any case the parents shouldn't expect too much from 
their child. Don't forget that childhood is short. 
Children cannot live by education alone; they must 
have time to play and need to have all sorts of ex-
perience of life, society and community in order to fully 
develop their capabilities. Children should have the 
chance to develop in all areas. If children do well in 
their studies they deserve praise from their parents. If 
children don't meet with much success in their studies, 
even though they have tried hard, there is no need to 
punish them or compare them with other children who 
have got better marks because it will undermine a 
child's self confidence. No matter what result the child 
gets, parents should be proud of their children for their 
diligence at the very least. The parents should notice if 
their child is gifted in any particular way or has any 
special interest art, music or sports for example. Parents 
should support their children in the things that take their 
interest in order to lead them to success and even if they 
aren't the best of students they will still be able to find 
happiness in life. 
Having provided worldly knowledge for their child, 
parents must complement it with knowledge of 
Dhamma. Where worldly knowledge looks after the 
body, knowledge of Dhamma cares for the mind. 
Dhamma, the food of the mind, helps to make children 
resilient towards problems and obstacles, never 
`chickening-out' or bored by their own tasks. Dhamma 
brightens childrens' minds giving them faith to develop 
their own virtue without end. Parents should introduce 
the Five Precepts to their children from an early age. 
Children should check for themselves each day whether 
their Precepts are intact or not, point by point. Apart 
from keepingthe Precepts parents should encourage 
their children to study Dhamma literature, be generous, 
perform chanting and meditate on a regular basis. 
Every good son should also have the chance to ordain 
as a novice or a monk at some time during his 
education in order to have first hand experience of the 
ideal Buddhist culture. Parents should always take the 
role of pointing out the applications of Dhamma 
knowledge in its connection with everyday life. 
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B.3.4 Approving an appropriate marriage partner 
As if giving all manner of basic needs and education is not 
enough, children even expect parents to give free consultation 
when in doubt about who to many.When one's children are fully 
educated and are well established in their careers, if they wish to 
many, then parents have two important duties firstly to finance 
their children? marriage and secondly to advise and take the final 
decision in their children? choice of spouse. Really who your 
child marries is not the important issue — it is whether they have 
the sixteen qualities of a "good friend" (see Blessing Two) upon 
which to build their own family. In fact, if as a parent, you can 
pursuadc your child not to many, you will be doing them the big-
gest favour of all because at best the happiness of married life is 
only miniscule compared with all the suffering family life brings. 
One's opportunity to do good deeds is seriously curtailed by 
one's marriage. 
The latter role of the parents is seen as an unnecessary 
intervention by many modern societies but Buddhists 
still feel it is justified because the choice of a marriage 
partner is a very serious decision to make and ideally 
should be at the discretion of someone with a lot of 
experience of the world. It is not the job of the parents 
to act as the matchmaker, especially when one's child is 
still not sufficiently well•educated or with enough 
work•experience to look after themselves.Young people 
in love tend to see the world through rose-tinted 
spectacles. An inappropriate marriage might ruin the 
rest of a couple's life and this is why parents are called 
upon by Buddhists to make the final decision as to the 
marriage partner. The reason is because it is no problem 
to find a good lover or a good wife, but to find a good 
mother for one's prospective family is much harder. 
Having hundreds of children is no problem. Even 
chickens can do it — but what to do to be a good parent 
— because a parent must give knowledge, thoughts and 
morality. 
That a son or daughter leaves the final decision up to 
their parents is one way of repaying their debt of 
gratitude to them. In any case however parents 
should be lenient in their discretion, using as a rule of 
thumb "the partner who we don't like but our child 
loves is better than the partner we love but our child 
doesn't like". The only circumstances which may cause 
friction between the two generations is when one's son 
or daughter falls in love with someone criminal or 
othenvise damaging to their future. 
B.3.5 Passing on your legacy to your child 
In non-Buddhist countries, where social values dictate that 
sons and daughters shouldn't expect to look after their parents 
in their old-age, the expectation also arises that they shouldn't 
come asking for money either. However, in Buddhist culture 
there are reciprocal duties between parent and child. That the 
child does not become independent of their parents when 
adult, looking after their parents when those parents are old) 
also gives some meaning to the parental duty of passing on 
their legacy to their children before they die. 
However, the child's worthiness to receive the legacy, 
certainly depends on their ability to have nothing to do 
with any of the Six Roads to Ruin [abhAyamukha]. 
B.4 Summary: The Art of Bringing up Children 
Bringing up children can be divided up into three 
periods: firstly, to conceive a good child in the first 
place by living our own life in a virtuous way. Sec-
ondly, to look after the embryo while it is in the womb, 
making sure it receives no physical or spiritual trauma. 
Thirdly, after birth to take care of the child's 
upbringing: not letting him do evil and encouraging 
him to do good by praise and remonstration, selecting 
good friends & books and setting a good example; 
giving him a decent education; helping choose a partner 
if he wants to many and, lastly; passing on your 
inheritance to him at the appropriate time. Finally... 
I. love the child but do not spoil him otherwise he may 
get into a bad habits; 
2. don't love the child so much you don't dare to 
punish him; 
3. don't overlook your duty of being a teacher to your 
child; 
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4. be lenient and not overfussy; 
5. give the child enough time, no matter how busy you 
are, you must try to find time for him or you will regret 
it later; 
6. scold immediately when seeing the child doing 
something wrong however, be reasonable and do not 
lose your temper. Praise him when he does something 
good to encourage him to keep on doing good things; 
7. train the child to work from an early age don't let 
him sit idle. Don't help him with what a child of his 
age should be able to do. Teach him to depend on 
himself as much as possible; 
8. giving food, clothing, shelter and medicine is not 
enough — parents must give their child Dhamma too... 
C. ILLUSTRATIVE TALES 
Cl Ex. Buddha passes on legacy to son 
The person with the best human relations in the world must 
have been the Buddha. Ile taught his father King Suddhodana 
until he could become an arahant. He taught his wife 
YasodharA until she could become an arahant also. His son 
RAhula also became an arahant. RAhula asked to inherit the 
treasures of his father. Instead of giving him the throne he 
gave him the qualities of one free from defilement by having 
his child ordain from the age of seven. 
All of the rest of his family and friends became 
arahants. His teachers died before he was able to teach 
them, but the group of five ascetics who had helped him 
in the past, all became arahants. Thus we must take a 
look at how he brought up his own children as well. 
What had the Buddha used to bring up his son to be so 
brilliant? He had given him the seven noble treasures 
[ariyadhana or bahukAradhamma] (D.iii. 163, D.iii.267, 
A.iv.5): 
I. Faith [saddha] Believing in the things that are worthy 
of belief. 
2. Self-Discipline [sEla] 
3. Shame of Evil [hiri] 
4. Fear of the consequences of Evil [ottappa] 
5. Knowledge [bahusacca] 
6. Self-Sacrifice [cAga] 
7. Wisdom [pafifiA] 
C.2 
Et 
TilamuEEhi 
JAtaka(J.252): 
Necessity of punishment 
Brahmadatta. son of the king of Bemires, was sent to Takkasila to 
study. One day, when going to bathe with his teacher, he ate some 
white seeds which an old woman had spread in the sun to dry. He 
did this on three different days. On the third day, the woman 
reported him to the teacher and he was beaten. When 
Brahntadatta ascended the throne, he sent for his teacher, wishing 
to avenge this insult by killing him.The teacher did not come until 
the king had grown older, but when he did arrive, the sight of him 
so kindled the king's hatred, that he ordered him to be put to 
death. The teacher however, told him that if he had not been 
corrected in his youth, today he would be a highway robber. 
Convinced that the teacher's action had been due to a desire for 
his welfare, Brahmadatta showed his forgiveness and showed him 
all honour. The JAtaka was told in reference to a monk who 
showed resentment when advised. 
J.ii.277ff. 
C3 Et AnAthapiAtika bribes son to learn Dhamma 
AnAthapiAlika also had a son who was a troublemaker. 
He bribed his son to go to the temple. The son went to 
the temple and curled up and went to sleep there. He 
didn't hear any teaching. As soon as he woke up he 
went home again to claim his prize. He got his prize 
and a new bribe — this time more — to go to the 
temple, listen to a sermon and remember one teaching 
well enough to relate to his father when he got home. If 
he could remember more than one teaching he would 
get more money. His father paid up each time and 
before long the son was going to the temple regularly. 
At first the son was only interested in the money. Later, 
the teachings started to be absorbed into his heart. One 
day the Buddha saw that the son was becoming more 
ready to understand the Dhamma and so that day He 
taught on a very difficult subject. The son tried his 
hardest to understand. Because the son's mind was 
concentrated on only one thing then he could become a 
stream-enterer. That day when he went home and his 
father offered him money he wouldn't take it saying 
that he already had some-
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thing more precious within himself. DhA.iii. I 89ff. 
C4 Ex. Godha JAtaka (J.I41): Perils of not 
selecting a child's friends 
At that time the baby iguanas and the baby chameleons 
were the same size. The father iguana warned his son not 
to play with the chameleons saying that they were of a 
different grade. The baby iguana answered back 
saying,"Oh bad! Don't be such a snob. After all we're all 
reptiles together!" 
The father advised,"it's not just that we are reptiles, but 
we have a different physique and different habits. If 
you keep on associating with them, in the end, danger 
will come to our door." 
However, with the wisdom of a father, he knew that his 
stubborn son would not listen and the result would 
bring disaster not only to himself but to the rest of the 
family of iguanas too. Therefore the father set to work 
digging an escape route at the back of their burrow. 
Before long, it was just as the father Iguana predicted 
— the baby iguana grew fast and strong. The 
chameleons grew only a little at a time. The baby 
chameleons were weighing a few hundred grammes but 
the baby iguana was several kilogrammes in weight. 
Now when they engaged in play-fighting as they used to 
do, the chameleon was beginning to get seriously hurt. 
The iguana didn't realize his own strength. This time the 
chameleon had no mercy left for his old friend and it 
called to some hunters who were passing by and pointed 
to the iguanas' burrow saying that they could catch 
something to eat there. The hunters pushed dry grass 
into all the openings of the burrow and set fire to it 
sending smoke deep inside the burrow. The baby iguana 
came running out of the burrow and was killed by the 
hunters. Many other iguanas in the family suffered the 
same fate. Only the father, smelling the smoke, 
immediately realized that his prediction had come true 
and made his escape by the escape burrow that he had 
dug for himself. (At that time the father iguana was the 
Buddha himself, the baby chameleon was Devadatta and 
the baby iguana was a bhikkhu who had associated with 
Devadatta and had caused a schism of the Salgha). 
J.i.487ff. 
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Blessing Thirteen: 
Cherishing our 
husband or wife 
A. INTRODUCTION 
A.1 Aim in Life: Marriage versus celibacy 
In some cultures, such as those of Indonesia, there are only 
two logical answers to the question, "Are you married?" —
"Yes" or "Not yet"! Western culture might not see marriage 
as quite so much of an obligation, but it should be declared 
from the outset with, that just because the Buddha says "Cher-
ishing One's Spouse" is a blessing, does not mean there are 
not superior ways to become blessed! Rather than advocating 
marriage, what the Buddha meant in teaching this blessing is 
to remind us to avoid the dire consequences of having a 
spouse and not cherishing them. Marriage can be a minefield 
— thus, if you don't have a spouse and don't plan on 
procuring one, you can skip this Blessing with a sigh of relief. 
For westerners, marriage has traditionally been 
portrayed as the high-point of happiness in life. The 
fathers of western attitudes — the Ancient Greek 
philosophers — have seeded the delusion of idyllic 
matrimony with the sentimental idea about a man and 
women mutually searching for the "other half' who 
will make them complete (— oblivious to the fact that 
you could say the same about rabbits, ducks, crows or 
any other sort of animal fulfilling its urge to mate). 
Consequently, celibacy does not feature visibly as a 
demographic option in the west. 
Buddhism, by contrast, bases its practices on the 
conviction that every person can be complete in them-
selves if they train themselves earnestly. As mentioned 
in Blessing Six, Buddhism idealizes the "exclusively 
spiritual" aim in life and thus the Buddha advocated a 
life of celibacy because life as a couple always leads to 
compromises in the intensity to which one can cultivate 
ultimate peace and purity of mind. In many non-western 
cultures around the world, celibacy is an option chosen 
more and more by professionals, especially women, 
who want to devote their time and efforts to their life's 
work — they realize that otherwise, because of the 
expectations of society, marrying would involve a 
conscious decision to drop their career. It is also tra-
ditional in many Asian cultures for couples to become 
celibate in their married relationship after their own 
children have grown up and left home. Those with the 
inner strength to renounce the married life can thereby 
enter the "fast-lane" of spiritual development —
however, in practicality, renunciation of the married life 
is difficult, because it requires the ability to see through 
the illusory nature of the self and of the sense-pleasures. 
Most people realize the truth only when they are 
already married and are find themselves saddled for the 
rest of their lives with the more detestable side of their 
partner. 
Buddhism accepts the reality that renunciation is not 
for everyone, and thus does not decry marriage. Even if 
the idea of renunciation appeals to you, once 
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married you cannot just shrug off the duties you have 
taken on yourself — you need to take proper 
responsibility for creating happiness in your marriage 
— to make a success of the path of life you have 
chosen for yourself. Although the married life doesn't 
correspond to the highest of aims in life, nonetheless, if 
one can cultivate contentment with one's spouse and 
thereby avoid promiscuity— it can give considerable 
leverage in one's self-development. Creating success in 
marriage is a major way of cultivating goodness of 
character. It is to such readers that this Blessing is 
directed. Wrongly approached marriage can be a 
nightmare turning the closest of lovers into the worst of 
enemies. By contrast a properly fulfilled marriage will 
be long-lasting, avoiding the bitterness of divorce and 
creating blessings both for that couple and for society 
as a whole. 
However, be warned! Most of the content of the 
Buddhist Scriptures deals with monastic issues and thus 
tend to idealize those who see through the folly of their 
marriage, subsequently renouncing the world or those 
who marry only reluctantly out of respect for their 
parents' wishes, renouncing the world after the passing 
of their parents. 
A.2 Long-term Relationships: Marriage versus "living 
together" 
Buddhism advocates celibacy, it tolerates marriage, but 
prohibits promiscuity under its definition of "adultery". 
Although Buddhism's definition of marriage is not 
black and white (see §C. below) it is clear that 
Buddhism does not support sexual relations between 
partners who take no responsibility for one another or 
the possible consequences of their liaisons. Let us 
examine the worst scenario for some of the material and 
abstract issues touched upon as the consequence of 
sexual relationships: 
I. sexually transmitted disease (possibly fatal) 
2. pregnancy (possibility of handicapped child or 
subsequent miscarriage) 
3. emotional trauma and regret 
4. damage to reputation 
5. general undermining of health 
6. erosion of deeper meaning in the relationship by 
ephemoral pleasures 
Buddhism prohibits abortion (murder of an unborn child) but 
does not prohibit contraception. Recourse to contraception might 
superficially seem to remove responsiblity for "I" and "2" above 
— but closer examination reveals that contraception does not of-
fer 100% protection from either. Who is going to be there for the 
girl to comfort her if she has a miscarriage? Who is going to pay 
for the upbringing of a child born out of wedlock? Will he still 
love her if she is disfigured by infection with HIV? These am 
consequences which apply irrespective of the cultural traditions 
of the society you find yourself in.The reader can answer for 
themselves what sort of relationship a couple needs to have built 
for themselves to be willing to shoulder all six of these possible 
risks implicit in their sexual liaison. For a couple to face up 
mutually to the responsibilities of living together and having 
sexual intercourse, demands enormous sacrifices on both sides. It 
is these sacrifices and responsibilities the Buddha teaches about 
in the Thirteenth Blessing. On a brighter note, living together 
should not be the "end" of young peoples' idealism— it can and 
should be the start of something yet more beautiful. 
At this point, it should be added however, that the 
western mass media consistently lull the public into a 
false sense of security concerning the risks of 
promiscuous sex. 
A.3 Sexual discrimination in Buddhism? 
In this day and age, many people are concerned about 
equal rights for men and women, but find that religions 
often harbour the worst of sexual discrimination. Before 
embarking upon the advice to married couples that 
follows, it is necessary to qualify the advice by saying 
the temprament of men and women are not the same in 
the eyes of the Buddha. Masculinity and femininity are 
distinct qualities equivalent to the elements of earth, 
water, fire and air that make up our bodies. One is not 
superior to the other, but harm can come about when 
one becomes enamoured these features of one's own or 
another's gender (e.g. SaOyoga Sutta A.iv.57). It is the 
attraction between the genders that causes harm, not the 
gender qualities themselves, 
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because: 
"no sight, sound, scent or touch can over 
come the mind of a man like those of a 
woman and no sight, sound, scent or touch 
can overcome the mind of a woman like 
those of a man" 
REpAdi Sutta A.i.1 
and for as long as a man or a woman is under the control 
of the attraction they have for someone of the opposite 
gender, they will fail to make use of their nobler virtues 
such as wisdom and conscience. They will tend to forget 
that love has a nobler side which is motherly, brotherly, 
selfless or universal in place of love which is merely 
sensual, emotional, sexual or downright selfish. 
That women are often shown in a bad light in the 
Buddhist scriptures does not reflect the quality of 
women per se, but us because women are mostly 
referred to in stories used to threaten monks on the 
brink of disrobing (a relatively common reason for the 
Buddha to give a teaching). Elsewhere the Buddha 
shows women in a good light and admits that women 
have an equal chance of becoming enlightened as men. 
A.4 Disadvantages of not cherishing one's spouse 
With or without divorce, the consequences of marital 
neglect are far-reaching. If a husband and wife do not 
cherish one another according to the advice of the Buddha, 
the harm that will come to them can be concluded on three 
levels: 
I. Losing a sense of responsibility for their own human 
digniv: If a husband and wife lack self-discipline and 
don't fulfil the duties towards one another prescribed by 
the Lord Buddha, the first level of disaster which will 
happen to them is that they will lose their sense of 
responsibility for their own human dignity — this loss 
giving rise (at the minimum) to the following three 
undesirable symptoms: 
I. Breaking the Precepts: The husband and wife 
might be unfaithful to one another leading to 
family problems, divorce, vengeful aggression 
and violence; 
2. Running out of inspiration to perform virtue: 
When someone feels disappointed with life, 
the last thing they want to do is to be a good 
husband or wife to their partner or a good 
parent to their children; 
3. Displaying violence in front of their children: 
If a parent has no respect for themselves, they 
will feel no embarrassment about losing their 
temper or being aggressive in front of the 
children. Such aggression, even if it is only 
verbal, leaves an unerasable traumatic impression 
on the children's developing mind quenching any 
possible warmth they might feel for that parent in 
the future; 
2. Losing a sense of responsibility for the human 
dignity of others: If a husband and wife lack 
self-discipline and don't fulfil the duties towards one 
another prescribed by the Lord Buddha, the second 
level of disaster which will happen to them is that 
they will lose their sense of responsibility for the 
human dignity of others — this loss giving rise (at 
the minimum) to the following three undesirable 
symptoms: 
I. Pessimistic world-view: If a husband and wife 
habitually loses their temper with colleagues or 
friends outside the home, it will eventually retard 
career progress and promotion prospects; 
2. Biased personality: The insecurity of family 
life will lead them to take refuge within a clique 
of sympathizers, thereby losing the ability to 
associate sincerely with a wider society; 
3. Accumulation of anger and vengefulness: The 
husband or wife will start to accumulate negative 
emotions because they feel that everybody is 
against them — eventually they become 
preoccupied with looking for ways to "get their 
own back on these "enemies". 
3. Losing a sense of responsibility for economic 
fairness in society at large: If a husband and wife 
lack self-discipline and don't fulfil the 
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