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Apart from the virtues mentioned above, parents 
should be ultra-critical of table manners, sleeping 
habits (especially fixing bedtime) and working hab-
its (especially working hours) — because these are 
all fundemental ways of developing self-discipline. 
Without the parent's prodding, you can be certain 
that self-discipline will not develop by accident. A 
child should also be expected to make a contribu-
tion to the work of the household since they are 
small if theyare waited upon hand and foot and 
have too much time on their hands, in the end the 
child may be unable to help themselves. 
B.3.3 Giving your child an education 
Education is the gateway to knowledge and wis-
dom for your child. If a child has the chance for a 
full education. Then success will follow on in later 
life. Thus parents should instill in their children the 
love of education and reading by: 
I. choosing good books for your child: The same thing 
goes for books which the children should read. 
Of course the books most suitable for the child 
to read are the ones that children are too lazy to 
read. Children would usually like to read any 
sort of book of cartoons or book with no serious 
content instead. It is up to parents therefore, to 
find ways to make useful books interesting to 
their children, such as getting the children to read 
such books aloud to their parents. 
2. choosing good teachers for your child: means taking 
your child to study with monks or masters of 
secular subjects. Parents can also help their chil-
dren by finding a good school for their children 
and special tuition. 
Children might also need their parent's help in 
learning how to split their time between study and 
play. In study time children should study hard: in 
freetime, playhard. The problem with childrens' 
education is that all parents would like their chil-
dren to be top of the class. They want their children 
to be accepted into the best school. Whether the 
child lives up to these expectations does not depend 
on their parent's wishes howevei but on two im-
portant factors the child's past merits (gifted and 
wise from birth) and his environment. The parents 
have their strongest influence on the second factor. 
In any case the parents shouldn't expect too much 
from their child. Don't forget that childhood is short. 
Children cannot live by education alone; they must 
have time to play and need to have all sorts of ex-
perience of life, society and community in order to 
fully develop their capabilities. Children should 
have the chance to develop in all areas. If children 
do well in their studies they deserve praise from 
their parents. If children don't meet with much suc-
cess in their studies, even though they have tried 
hard, there is no need to punish them or compare 
them with other children who have got better marks 
because it will undermine a child's self confidence. 
No matter what result the child gets, parents should 
be proud of their children for their diligence at the 
very least. The parents should notice if their child 
is gifted in any particular way or has any special 
interest art, music or sports for example. Parents 
should support their children in the things that take 
their interest in order to lead them to success and 
even if they aren't the best of students they will still 
be able to find happiness in life. 
Having provided worldly knowledge for their 
child, parents must complement it with knowledge 
of Dhamma. Where worldly knowledge looks af-
ter the body, knowledge of Dhamma cares for the 
mind. Dhamma, the food of the mind, helps to make 
children resilient towards problems and obstacles, 
never 'chickening-out' or bored by their own tasks. 
Dhamma brightens childrens' minds giving them 
faith to develop their own virtue without end. Par-
ents should introduce the Five Precepts to their chil-
dren from an early age. Children should check for 
themselves each day whether their Precepts are in-
tact or not, point by point. Apart from keepingthe Pre-
cepts parents should encourage their children to study 
Dhamma literature, be generous, perform chanting and 
meditate on a regular basis. Every good son should 
also have the chance to ordain as a novice or a monk 
at some time during his education in order to have 
first hand experience of the ideal Buddhist culture. 
Parents should always take the role of pointing out 
the applications of Dhamma knowledge in its con-
nection with everyday life. 
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B.3.4 Approving an appropriate marriage 
partner 
As if giving all manner of basic needs and educa-
tion is not enough, children even expect parents to 
give free consultation when in doubt about who to 
marry.When one's children are fully educated and 
are well established in their careers, if they wish to 
marry, then parents have two important duties 
firstly to finance their children? marriage and sec-
ondly to advise and take the final decision in their 
children' choice of spouse. Really who your child 
marries is not the important issue — it is whether 
they have the sixteen qualities of a "good friend" 
(see Blessing Two) upon which to build their own 
family. In fact, if as a parent, you can pursuade your 
child not to marry, you will be doing them the big-
gest favour of all because at best the happiness of 
married life is only miniscule compared with all the 
suffering family life brings. One's opportunity to 
do good deeds is seriously curtailed by one's mar-
riage. 
The latter role of the parents is seen as an unnec-
essary intervention by many modern societies but 
Buddhists still feel it is justified because the choice 
of a marriage partner is a very serious decision to 
make and ideally should be at the discretion of 
someone with a lot of experience of the world. It is 
not the job of the parents to act as the matchmaker, 
especially when one's child is still not sufficiently 
well-educated or with enough work-experience to 
look after themselves.Young people in love tend to 
see the world through rose-tinted spectacles. An 
inappropriate marriage might ruin the rest of a cou-
ple's life and this is why parents are called upon by 
Buddhists to make the final decision as to the mar-
riage partner. The reason is because it is no prob-
lem to find a good lover or a good wife, but to find 
a good mother for one's prospective family is much 
harder. Having hundreds of children is no prob-
lem. Even chickens can do it — but what to do to 
be a good parent — because a parent must give 
knowledge, thoughts and morality. 
That a son or daughter leaves the final decision 
up to their parents is one way of repaying their debt 
of gratitude to them. In any case however parents 
should be lenient in their discretion, using as a rule 
of thumb "the partner who we don't like but our 
child loves is better than the partner we love but 
our child doesn't like". The only circumstances 
which may cause friction between the two genera-
tions is when one's son or daughter falls in love 
with someone criminal or otherwise damaging to 
their future. 
B.3.5 Passing on your legacy to your child 
In non-Buddhist countries, where social values dic-
tate that sons and daughters shouldn't expect to 
look after their parents in their old-age, the expec-
tation also arises that they shouldn't come asking 
for money either. However, in Buddhist culture 
there are reciprocal duties between parent and child. 
That the child does not become independent of their 
parents when adult, looking after their parents 
when those parents are old) also gives some mean-
ing to the parental duty of passing on their legacy 
to their children before they die. 
However, the child's worthiness to receive the 
legacy, certainly depends on their ability to have 
nothing to do with any of the Six Roads to Ruin 
rabhayamukhal. 
BA Summary: The Art ofBringing up Children 
Bringing up children can be divided up into three 
periods: firstly, to conceive a good child in the first 
place by living our own life in a virtuous way. Sec-
ondly, to look after the embryo while it is in the 
womb, making sure it receives no physical or spir-
itual trauma. Thirdly, after birth to take care of the 
child's upbringing: not letting him do evil and en-
couraging him to do good by praise and remon-
stration, selecting good friends & books and set-
ting a good example; giving him a decent educa-
tion; helping choose a partner if he wants to marry 
and, lastly; passing on your inheritance to him at 
the appropriate time. Finally... 
I. love the child but do not spoil him otherwise he 
may get into a bad habits; 
2. don't love the child so much you don't dare to 
punish him; 
3. don't overlook your duty of being a teacher to 
your child; 
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4. be lenient and not overfussy; 
5. give the child enough time, no matter how busy 
you are, you must try to find time for him or 
you will regret it later; 
6. scold immediately when seeing the child doing 
something wrong however, be reasonable and 
do not lose your temper. Praise him when he 
does something good to encourage him to keep 
on doing good things; 
7. train the child to work from an early age don't 
let him sit idle. Don't help him with what a child 
of his age should be able to do. Teach him to de-
pend on himself as much as possible; 
8. giving food, clothing, shelter and medicine is not 
enough — parents must give their child 
Dhamma too... 
C. ILLUS I RA I IVE TALES 
C.1 Ex. Buddha passes on legacy to son 
The person with the best human relations in the 
world must have been the Buddha. He taught his 
father King Suddhodana until he could become an 
arahant. He taught his wife Yasodhari until she 
could become an arahant also. His son Rahula also 
became an arahant. 118hula asked to inherit the 
treasures of his father. Instead of giving him the 
throne he gave him the qualities of one free from 
defilement by having his child ordain from the age 
of seven. 
All of the rest of his family and friends became 
arahants. His teachers died before he was able to 
teach them, but the group of five ascetics who had 
helped him in the past, all became arahants. Thus 
we must take a look at how he brought up his own 
children as well. What had the Buddha used to 
bring up his son to be so brilliant? He had given 
him the seven noble treasures ariyadhana or 
bahukaradhamma] (.1.163, 
267, A.iv.5): 
1. Faith [saddha] Believing in the things that are 
worthy of belief. 
2. Self-Discipline Idiot] 
3. Shame of Evil [hiri] 
4. Fear of the consequences of Evil jottappa I 
5. Knowledge [bahusacca] 
6. Self-Sacrifice Inigal 
7. Wisdom [paMEE] 
C.2 Ex. Tilamut thi Jataka(J.252): 
Necessity of punishment 
Brahmadatta, son of the king of Benares, was sent 
to Takkasila to study. One day, when going to bathe 
with his teacher, he ate some white seeds which an 
old woman had spread in the sun to dry. He did 
this on three different days. On the third day, the 
woman reported him to the teacher and he was 
beaten. When Brahmadatta ascended the throne, he 
sent for his teacher, wishing to avenge this insult 
by killing him.The teacher did not come until the 
king had grown older, but when he did arrive, the 
sight of him so kindled the king's hatred, that he 
ordered him to be put to death. The teacher how-
ever, told him that if he had not been corrected in 
his youth, today he would be a highway robber. 
Convinced that the teacher's action had been due 
to a desire for his welfare, Brahmadatta showed his 
forgiveness and showed him all honour. The Jataka 
was told in reference to a monk who showed re-
sentment when advised. 
J.ii.277ff. 
C.3 Ex. Antithapimlilca bribes son to learn Dhamma 
Andthapificlika also had a son who was a trouble-
maker. He bribed his son to go to the temple. The 
son went to the temple and curled up and went to 
sleep there. He didn't hear any teaching. As soon 
as he woke up he went home again to claim his 
prize. He got his prize and a new bribe — this time 
more — to go to the temple, listen to a sermon and 
remember one teaching well enough to relate to his 
father when he got home. If he could remember 
more than one teaching he would get more money. 
His father paid up each time and before long the 
son was going to the temple regularly. At first the 
son was only interested in the money. Later, the 
teachings started to be absorbed into his heart. One 
day the Buddha saw that the son was becoming 
more ready to understand the Dhamma and so that 
day He taught on a very difficult subject. The son 
tried his hardest to understand. Because the son's 
mind was concentrated on only one thing then he 
could become a stream-enterer. That day when he 
went home and his father offered him money he 
wouldn't take it saying that he already had some-
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thing more precious within himself. 
DhA.iii.189ff. 
C.4 Er. Godha jataka (J.141): 
Perils of not selecting a child's friends 
At that time the baby iguanas and the baby chame-
leons were the same size. The father iguana warned 
his sort not to play with the chameleons saying that 
they were of a different grade. The baby iguana an-
swered back saying,"Oh Dad! Don't be such a snob. 
After all we're all reptiles together!" 
The father advised,"it's not just that we are rep-
tiles, but we have a different physique and differ-
ent habits. If you keep on associating with them, in 
the end, danger will come to our door." 
However, with the wisdom of a father, he knew 
that his stubborn son would not listen and the re-
sult would bring disaster not only to himself but to 
the rest of the family of iguanas too. Therefore the 
father set to work digging an escape route at the 
back of their burrow. 
Before long, it was just as the father Iguana pre-
dicted — the baby iguana grew fast and strong. The 
chameleons grew only a little at a time. The baby 
chameleons were weighing a few hundred 
grammes but the baby iguana was several kilo-
grammes in weight. Now when they engaged in 
play-fighting as they used to do, the chameleon was 
beginning to get seriously hurt. The iguana didn't 
realize his own strength. This time the chameleon 
had no mercy left for his old friend and it called to 
some hunters who were passing by and pointed to 
the iguanas' burrow saying that they could catch 
something to eat there. The hunters pushed dry 
grass into all the openings of the burrow and set 
fire to it sending smoke deep inside the burrow. The 
baby iguana came running out of the burrow and 
was killed by the hunters. Many other iguanas in 
the family suffered the same fate. Only the father, 
smelling the smoke, immediately realized that his 
prediction had come true and made his escape by 
the escape burrow that he had dug for himself. (At 
that time the father iguana was the Buddha him-
self, the baby chameleon was Devadatta and the 
baby iguana was a bhikkhu who had associated 
with Devadatta and had caused a schism of the 
Sahgha). 
J.i.487ff. 
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Blessing Thirt e en: 
Cherishing our 
husband or wife 
A. IN I ROOM, HON 
A.1 Aim in Life: Marriage versus celibacy 
In some cultures, such as those of Indonesia, there 
are only two logical answers to the question, "Are 
you married?" — "Yes" or "Not yet"! Western cul-
ture might not see marriage as quite so much of an 
obligation, but it should be declared from the out-
set with, that just because the Buddha says "Cher-
ishing One's Spouse" is a blessing, does not mean 
there are not superior ways to become blessed! 
Rather than advocating marriage, what the Bud-
dha meant in teaching this blessing is to remind us 
to avoid the dire consequences of having a spouse 
and not cherishing them. Marriage can be a mine-
field — thus, if you don't have a spouse and don't 
plan on procuring one, you can skip this Blessing 
with a sigh of relief. 
For westerners, marriage has traditionally been 
portrayed as the high-point of happiness in life. The 
fathers of western attitudes — the Ancient Greek 
philosophers — have seeded the delusion of idyl-
lic matrimony with the sentimental idea about a 
man and women mutually searching for the "other 
half' who will make them complete (— oblivious 
to the fact that you could say the same about rab-
bits, ducks, crows or any other sort of animal ful-
filling its urge to mate). Consequently, celibacy does 
not feature visibly as a demographic option in the 
west. 
Buddhism, by contrast, bases its practices on the 
conviction that every person can be complete in them-
selves if they train themselves earnestly. As men-
tioned in Blessing Six, Buddhism idealizes the "ex-
clusively spiritual" aim in life and thus the Bud-
dha advocated a life of celibacy because life as a 
couple always leads to compromises in the inten-
sity to which one can cultivate ultimate peace and 
purity of mind. In many non-western cultures 
around the world, celibacy is an option chosen more 
and more by professionals, especially women, who 
want to devote their time and efforts to their life's 
work — they realize that otherwise, because of the 
expectations of society, marrying would involve a 
conscious decision to drop their career. It is also tra-
ditional in many Asian cultures for couples to be-
come celibate in their married relationship after 
their own children have grown up and left home. 
Those with the inner strength to renounce the mar-
ried life can thereby enter the "fast-lane" of spir-
itual development — however, in practicality, re-
nunciation of the married life is difficult, because it 
requires the ability to see through the illusory na-
ture of the self and of the sense-pleasures. Most 
people realize the truth only when they are already 
married and are find themselves saddled for the 
rest of their lives with the more detestable side of 
their partner. 
Buddhism accepts the reality that renunciation is 
not for everyone, and thus does not decry marriage. 
Even if the idea of renunciation appeals to you, once 
Blessing Thirteen: Cherishing our Husband or Wife 165 
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married you cannot just shrug off the duties you 
have taken on yourself — you need to take proper 
responsibility for creating happiness in your mar-
riage — to make a success of the path of life you 
have chosen for yourself. Although the married life 
doesn't correspond to the highest of aims in life, 
nonetheless, if one can cultivate contentment with 
one's spouse and thereby avoid promiscuity— it 
can give considerable leverage in one's self-devel-
opment. Creating success in marriage is a major 
way of cultivating goodness of character. It is to 
such readers that this Blessing is directed. Wrongly 
approached marriage can be a nightmare turning 
the closest of lovers into the worst of enemies. By 
contrast a properly fulfilled marriage will be long-
lasting, avoiding the bitterness of divorce and cre-
ating blessings both for that couple and for society 
as a whole. 
However, be warned! Most of the content of the 
Buddhist Scriptures deals with monastic issues and 
thus tend to idealize those who see through the folly 
of their marriage, subsequently renouncing the 
world or those who marry only reluctantly out of 
respect for their parents' wishes, renouncing the 
world after the passing of their parents. 
A.2 Long-term Relationship& Marriage versus 
"living together" 
Buddhism advocates celibacy, it tolerates marriage, 
but prohibits promiscuity under its definition of 
"adultery". Although Buddhism's definition of 
marriage is not black and white (see §C. below) it is 
clear that Buddhism does not support sexual rela-
tions between partners who take no responsibility 
for one another or the possible consequences of their 
liaisons. Let us examine the worst scenario for some 
of the material and abstract issues touched upon as 
the consequence of sexual relationships: 
1. sexually transmitted disease (possibly fatal) 
2. pregnancy (possibility of handicapped child 
or subsequent miscarriage) 
3. emotional trauma and regret 
4. damage to reputation 
5. general undermining of health 
6. erosion of deeper meaning in the relationship 
by ephemoral pleasures 
Buddhism prohibits abortion (murder of an unborn 
child) but does not prohibit contraception. Recourse 
to contraception might superficially seem to remove 
responsiblity for "1" and "2" above — but closer 
examination reveals that contraception does not of-
fer 100% protection from either. Who is going to be 
there for the girl to comfort her if she has a miscar-
riage? Who is going to pay for the upbringing of a 
child born out of wedlock? Will he still love her if 
she is disfigured by infection with HIV? These are 
consequences which apply irrespective of the cul-
tural traditions of the society you find yourself 
in.The reader can answer for themselves what sort 
of relationship a couple needs to have built for 
themselves to be willing to shoulder all six of these 
possible risks implicit in their sexual liaison. For a 
couple to face up mutually to the responsibilities 
of living together and having sexual intercourse, 
demands enormous sacrifices on both sides. It is 
these sacrifices and responsibilities the Buddha 
teaches about in the Thirteenth Blessing. On a 
brighter note, living together should not be the 
"end" of young peoples' idealism— it can and 
should be the start of something yet more beauti-
ful. 
At this point, it should be added however, that 
the western mass media consistently lull the pub-
lic into a false sense of security concerning the risks 
of promiscuous sex. 
A.3 Sexual discrimination in Buddhism? 
In this day and age, many people are concerned 
about equal rights for men and women, but find 
that religions often harbour the worst of sexual dis-
crimination. Before embarking upon the advice to 
married couples that follows, it is necessary to 
qualify the advice by saying the temprament of men 
and women are not the same in the eyes of the Bud-
dha. Masculinity and femininity are distinct quali-
ties equivalent to the elements of earth, water, fire 
and air that make up our bodies. One is not supe-
rior to the other, but harm can come about when 
one becomes enamoured these features of one's 
own or another's gender (e.g. Sarpyoga Sutta 
A.iv.57). It is the attraction between the genders that 
causes harm, not the gender qualities themselves, 
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because: 
"no sight, sound, scent or touch can over-
come the mind of a man like those of a 
woman and no sight, sound, scent or touch 
can overcome the mind of a woman like 
those of a man" 
Rfipidi Sutta A.i.1 
and for as long as a man or a woman is under the 
control of the attraction they have for someone of 
the opposite gender, they will fail to make use of 
their nobler virtues such as wisdom and conscience. 
They will tend to forget that love has a nobler side 
which is motherly, brotherly, selfless or universal 
in place of love which is merely sensual, emotional, 
sexual or downright selfish. 
That women are often shown in a bad light in the 
Buddhist scriptures does not reflect the quality of 
women per se, but us because women are mostly 
referred to in stories used to threaten monks on the 
brink of disrobing (a relatively common reason for 
the Buddha to give a teaching). Elsewhere the Bud-
dha shows women in a good light and admits that 
women have an equal chance of becoming enlight-
ened as men. 
A.4 Disadvantages of not cherishing one's spouse 
With or without divorce, the consequences of mari-
tal neglect are far-reaching. If a husband and wife 
do not cherish one another according to the advice 
of the Buddha, the harm that will come to them can 
be concluded on three levels: 
1. Losing a sense of responsibility for their own 
human dignity: If a husband and wife lack 
self-discipline and don't fulfil the duties to-
wards one another prescribed by the Lord 
Buddha, the first level of disaster which will 
happen to them is that they will lose their 
sense of responsibility for their own human 
dignity — this loss giving rise (at the mini-
mum) to the following three undesirable 
symptoms: 
1. Breaking the Precepts: The husband and wife 
might be unfaithful to one another leading 
3. 
to family problems, divorce, vengeful ag-
gression and violence; 
2. 
2. Running out of inspiration to perform virtue: 
When someone feels disappointed with life, 
the last thing they want to do is to be a good 
husband or wife to their partner or a good 
parent to their children; 
3. Displaying violence in front of their children: 
If a parent has no respect for themselves, 
they will feel no embarrassment about los-
ing their temper or being aggressive in front 
of the children. Such aggression, even if it 
is only verbal, leaves an unerasable trau-
matic impression on the children's devel-
oping mind quenching any possible 
warmth they might feel for that parent in 
the future; 
Losing a sense of responsibility for the hu-
man dignity of others: If a husband and wife 
lack self-discipline and don't fulfil the duties 
towards one another prescribed by the Lord 
Buddha, the second level of disaster which 
will happen to them is that they will lose their 
sense of responsibility for the human dignity 
of others - this loss giving rise (at the mini-
mum) to the following three undesirable 
symptoms: 
1. Pessimistic world-view: If a husband and wife 
habitually loses their temper with col-
leagues or friends outside the home, it will 
eventually retard career progress and pro-
motion prospects; 
2. Biased personality: The insecurity of family 
life will lead them to take refuge within a 
clique of sympathizers, thereby losing the 
ability to associate sincerely with a wider 
society; 
3. Accumulation of anger and vengefulness: The 
husband or wife will start to accumulate 
negative emotions because they feel that 
everybody is against them — eventually 
they become preoccupied with looking for 
ways to "get their own back on these "en-
emies". 
Losing a sense of responsibility for economic 
fairness in society at large: If a husband and 
wife lack self-discipline and don't fulfil the 
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duties towards one another prescribed by the 
Lord Buddha, the third level of disaster which 
will happen to them is that they will lose their 
sense of responsibility for economic fairness 
in society at large — this loss giving rise (at 
the minimum) to the following three unde-
sirable symptoms: 
I. Recourse to "Roads to Ruin": If husbands or 
wives lose their sense of responsibility for 
economic fairness, eventually they will turn 
to "Roads of Ruin" such as alcohol for sol-
ace, in an attempt to "blot our their suffer-
ing. 
2. Economic hardship for the family: When the 
finances of the family are misdirected, the 
ones who suffer the most will be the chil-
dren who experience neglect in their mate-
rial and educational needs — exacerbating 
problems of juvenile delinquency; 
3. Lack of harmony in earning livelihood: when 
the relationship between husband and wife 
is plagued by mistrust and suspicion — if 
the couple eventually has to break-up, the 
certain victims will be the children in the 
family. 
The problems of the western quarter can be sum-
marized down to two main points: 
1. Broken families: The manifest problem of bro-
ken families in our society exacerbates the al-
ready grave problems faced by young people 
as well as affecting a country's economic sta-
bility; 
2. Misunderstanding of marriage: The covert 
social problem of misunderstanding of mar-
riage stems from the fact that young people 
are getting married for the wrong reasons. 
Without any comprehension of how to lead a 
household, a majority of couples these days 
seem to be marrying merely to fulfil their 
sexual fantasies. However, once married, 
when the reality of the situation sinks in, they 
find themselves ill-equipped to make a suc-
cess of the family life. It is ironic that "sex edu-
cation" has become a compulsory school sub-
ject at a time when society is plumbing the 
depths of marital problems and promiscuity. 
In the olden days "sex education" was not 
taught, but somehow the "man-in-the-street" 
seemed to make less of a mess of his marital 
life! Maybe what they should be teaching in 
schools instead of "sex education" is "how to 
prepare yourself to be a good husband/wife" 
or "how to prepare yourself to be a good par-
ent" ? 
B. Ill SHAN DS AND 
1%1...S 
.8.1 Seven Types of Spouse 
In a teaching to Sujata, the daughter-in-law of 
Anathapitidika who was causing considerable fric-
tion in her own marriage as a result of ill-chosen 
words, the Buddha enumerated seven different 
sorts of spouse — some desirable, some undesir-
able (A.iv. 91ff., J.269). We can use these categories 
as a mirror on our own situation — to throw light 
on possible room for improvement in our current 
or future relationships. The seven categories of 
spouse are as follows: 
1. A spouse like an enemy [vadhaka samabhariya]: 
such a spouse is partial to all sorts of violence. 
Always looking for the opportunity to kill. Some-
times a couple was not wholehearted about mar-
riage or their marriage was arranged. Only after 
they have been together for a while does the real 
personality of the partner manifest itself and they 
will always be beating one another. Such a 
spouse is cruel to their partner instead of being 
compassionate, looking down on them, having 
no gratitude to them, and even going as far as 
attempting to kill their partner in some cases —
a spouse with such characteristics is a spouse like 
an enemy; 
2. A spouse like a robber [cori scnabhariyal: No 
matter how much wealth the couple has, if one 
of the couple has such a character, then it is like 
having someone in the house who is burning 
money the whole time until there is nothing left 
e.g. by gambling or extravagence. The people of 
old used to say that seven robberies of your 
house are better than your house burned down 
(because at least robbers leave the house behind) 
— and your house burning down seven times is 
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better than being married to a gambler (because 
even though the house bums down, the land is 
still left). With gamblers, all your property is still 
not enough — they will even run up debts for 
you to service. Such a spouse is full of greed and 
tries deviously to extract as much of their part-
ner's money as possible for their self-interest, 
without thinking how hard they have had to 
work to earn it — a spouse with such character-
istics is a spouse like a robber; 
3. A spouse like a boss [ayya sanzabhariya]: Where 
the categories of spouse above threatened your 
life or your possessions, the boss spouse will 
threaten your honour — the sort who pulls your 
ears or treats you like a child in front of your 
friends. They may be lazy — constantly await-
ing the chance to sit down or lie down and rest 
instead of helping with their various duties, lack-
ing helpfulness, and using threats and insults to 
goad their partner into doing their work in their 
place, but never accepting similar treatment from 
their partner — a spouse with such characteris-
tics is a spouse like a boss; 
4. A spouse like a mother [mate samabhariya]: A 
mother has unlimited love for her children, for-
giving all of their mistakes. Such a spouse will 
forgive their partner for anything they do wrong. 
You will see the special features of such a spouse 
when their partner is ill or handicapped and they 
will look after their partner with the same care 
as they would look after one of their own chil-
dren (without thinking of looking for a new part-
ner). This is also true of a spouse whose partner 
dies when their children are still young, who 
carries on bringing up their children single-
handed without thinking of taking a new part-
ner. Such spouses tend to be full of compassion, 
loving their partner, helping and being a credit 
to their partner, looking after their partner's 
health when they are ill, like a mother would look 
after her own children — a spouse with such 
characteristics is a spouse like a mother. 
5. A spouse like a little sister Ibhagini 
scurtabhariyal: Such a spouse is almost the same 
as the motherly spouse, but a little more playful, 
lonely, moody and emotional — but at the same 
time truthful, honest and faithful. They tend to 
be ashamed of evil and fear the consequences of 
evil, respecting and looking up to their partner 
as if they were an older brother or sister — a 
spouse with such characteristics is a spouse like 
a little sister. 
6. A spouse like a friend Isahaya samabhariyal: 
Such a spouse is one of similar background, 
tastes, education as their partner — maybe they 
have known their partner since childhood. Such 
a couple tend not to have much sense of respect 
towards one another. Their level of morality will 
be similar and they can live quite happily to-
gether. Such a spouse will tend to be generous 
and sincere — empathizing with their partner 
in all they do throughout their life like a friend 
who goes together through thick and thin — a 
spouse with such characteristics is a spouse like 
a friend. 
7. A spouse like a slave [demi sanzabhariya]: Usu-
ally the intelligence of such a spouse is less than 
that of their partner. They will be honest, they 
may want to serve their partner to the utmost 
but they may make mistakes. Such a spouse 
tends to allow themself to be abused, slapped or 
beaten by their partner without becoming angry 
or vengeful and without blaming their partner 
— being contented to be completely dominated 
by them — a spouse with such characteristics is 
a spouse like a slave. 
Living together like these first three sorts couple is 
like being in hell from the time you are still alive. 
When such spouses die, then it will only be a con-
tinuation of the retribution from all the terrible 
things the husband and wife have done to one an-
other. They will pass away into hell at the end of 
their lives as a result of the bad karma they have 
accumulated for themselves. 
The remaining four types of spouse will pass 
away into heaven at the end of their lives as a re-
sult of the good karma they have accumulated for 
themselves. They all represent marriages which 
have the chance of working out. Both husband and 
wife have a baseline of morality and are flexible. 
Blessing Thirteen: Cherishing our Husband or Wife 169 
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The marriages with spouses from categories "4" to 
"7" are in decreasing order of stability. Thus if you 
are already married then ask yourself which cat-
egory you have worked yourself into — as "4" is 
the most stable of all. 
C. DL 11ES O1 11 SLIANDS AND Ai MS 
C.1 Getting Married 
C.1.1 Choosing a compatible husband or wife 
In order for a couple to stay together, it is necessary 
that they are compatible in terms fo the level of vir-
tues they possess — particularly the following four 
"virtues of compatability" Isanzafivi-dhamma]: 
1. faith [sama-saddha]: husband and wife 
should have the same level of spiritual faith 
and the same level of "aim in life" 
2. self-discipline Isamu-sited: husband and wife 
should have the same standards of Precepts, 
manners and etiquette as one another; 
3. self-sacrifice [sama-caga]: husband and wife 
should have the same level of self-sacrifice in 
selflessly devoting themselves to generous 
deeds or helping others; 
4. wisdom [sama-pafiii a]: husband and wife lies the couple. 
should have the same level of wisdom, crea-
tivity, empathy and common-sense — being 
on the same communicative "wavelength" —
neither suffering overly from stubbomess. 
In addition, concerning compatability, the Buddha 
warned of the perils of an old man bringing home 
a young girl as a wife: 
(When) an old man takes as a wife a vigourous 
young girl and cannot sleep, because 
of his possessiveness for her, this leads to his 
downfall. 
Parabhava Sutta, SN.20 v.109-10 
C.1.2 Marrying your spouse 
In the time of the Buddha, there was no such thing 
as a legal registration of marriages. A man and a 
woman mutually decided to accept each other as 
husband and wife and thereafter they lived to-
gether. Their marriage was carried out in the pres-
ence of the lay-community rather than in the pres-
ence of the spiritual community. 
In the present day, howevet, legal registration of 
a marriage is required. Details differ from country 
to country and Buddhism supports whatever com-
plies with the Law. However, there remains no spe-
cific Buddhist ritual or procedure to conduct a mar-
riage. Buddhism recognizes the traditions and cul-
tures practised by people in different countries —
hence Buddhist wedding rituals differ from one 
country to another. In general, there will be a reli-
gious service for blessing and to give advice to the 
new couple, performed either in the home or in the 
temple. 
Some hesitate over becoming "officially" married 
over concerns such as whether their marriage vows 
will substitute for affection as the bonds to hold the 
couple together! However, this misses the point of 
legalizing a marriage which is publically to recog-
nize one's spouse. How do you think a wife would 
feel if her husband were too embarrassed to admit 
he had married her? — or how would the husband 
feel if his wife refused to wear a wedding ring? 
Marrying is about showing each other due respect 
— and this is the foundation of the trust which uni-
C.2 Maintaining a married relationship 
C.2.1 The challenge of married life 
Life in a long-term relationship is infinitely more 
demanding on one's store of virtues than that of 
dating and first love. How can a couple preserve 
the joy of their initial encounters while developing 
the love and understanding to ensure a happy and 
stable marriage? How can partners respect their 
own dignity and that of their "better half" instead 
of running off to get a divorce or abortion after their 
first quarrel or dispute? 
C.2.2 Principles 
In a recent piece of research on the emotions, it was 
discovered that immediately conflicts within a 
marriage lead to "stone-walling" (i.e. the husband 
and wife are no longer on speaking terms), the fur-
ther life expectancy of the marriage will not exceed 
three years (John Coltman, What Predicts Divorce). 
Conflicts can not be avoided in a marriage — the 
secret of happy marriage relies on keeping open 
channels of communication to deal with them. 
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A surprise for many modem-day readers is that 
the Buddha never recommended "making yourself 
more attractive" or "being sexy" as a way to main-
thin a marriage. He addressed instead the gravest 
enemies of marriage: "distrust" and "suspicion". 
Maintaining good channels of communication 
according to the principle recommended by the 
Lord Buddha is to maintain a healthy "emotional 
bank account" Isarigahavatthu] with one's mar-
riage partner. There are four ways of maintaining a 
healthy emotional bank account with your partner 
as follows: 
1. Giving resources Vona]: If two people are 
going to live together they must be able to 
share what they have with their partner. Any 
place that lacks giving will be parched like an 
emotional desert. Once married, all the prop-
erty once individually owned should be 
shared. To "keep back" something as an indi-
vidual asset will only create suspicion — and 
suspicion kills marriages. Thus it is important 
to keep open a channel of communication in 
the marriage whereby one partner can con-
sult the other if they are suffering or are hav-
ing problems with material resources. 
2. Endearing speech Ipiyavacci]: A husband and 
wife should take care always to address each 
other with polite speech, even in the case they 
need to criticize each other. Sometimes if 
things become too informal, careless words 
may touch on the "views" of the other part-
ner and disturb the peacefulness of the fam-
ily. After marriage, one should use the same 
standard of polite of speech used before mar-
riage! 
3. Helpfulness latthacariya]: A husband and 
wife need to lend each other a helping hand. 
Also if one of the partners learns something 
new concerning spiritual knowledge, they 
should share it with their spouse. When a con-
flict arises in the marriage, there is a huge 
temptation to put all the blame on the other 
partner instead of taking collective responsi-
bility — but if both are well-versed in spir-
itual teachings, the couple will tend to deal 
with the problem directly instead of merely 
looking for someone to blame. 
4. Consistency isamanatatta]: Both husband 
and wife have implicit duties in the marriage 
(see details below) and to the degree they live 
up to these duties they will avoid the suspi-
cions of their partner. If a husband has decided 
that his wife should take responsibility for the 
running of the house, he should not subse-
quently come interfering in the household 
affairs. Sometimes "appropriateness" is not 
immediately evident for every situation —
sometimes it is hard to sense what your part-
ner expects of you — but if both partners 
meditate on a daily basis, they will tune in 
more easily to consistently harmonious behav-
iours. 
C.2.3 Five duties of a husband to his wife 
Based on these four principles, in the SingalovAda 
Sutta the Buddha advised of five duties a husband 
should fulfil towards his wife and five duties a wife 
should fulfil towards her husband. The duties of a 
husband are as follows: 
1. He must praise his wife: He should not keep a 
wife in secret. Once a man is married he should 
show off his wife in public, not keep his wife in 
secret. He should have a proper, lawful registra-
tion of his marriage. He should be careful to treat 
his wife with respect, not criticising her person-
ally in front of inferiors. 
2. He must never look down on his wife: Even 
though a couple is married doesn't mean that a 
husband will have an attitude of respect to his 
wife. Sometimes he may look down on her or 
even treat her like a slave or a pet animal. That a 
husband restrains himself from looking down on 
his wife in any way, shows his responsibility for 
the human dignity of others. 
3. He must never be unfaithfid: Because a Buddhist 
husband is a man of virtue it goes without say-
ing that he refrains from the Four Defilements 
of Action Ikammakilesa]: killing, stealing, adul-
tery and telling lies. He would thus never be 
unfaithful to his wife, because doing so would 
destroy the human dignity of himself and his 
Blessing Thirteen: Cherishing our Husband or Wife 171 
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wife. The feelings of a person who is found guilty 
of sexual misconduct are described in the Sutta 
Nipata: 
Whatever fame and reputation he had be-
fore, of course vanishes ...in the grip of his 
fantasies, he broods like a beggar. Hearing 
the outrage of others, he gets deprssed 
hearing the spread of gossip, he then hides 
in his own embarrassment. He cannot ac-
cept the criticism of others on this count, and 
may lie to those who try to counsel him ... 
Tissametteyya Sutta, SN.160 v.817-20 
4. He should give his wife the responsibility for 
looking after the house: To demonstrate his 
sincerety and trust for his wife, a husband must 
give his wife the final wad in the organization 
of the household and the family without inter-
fering. If his wife is a "working mother" it doesn't 
make her any less responsible for the affairs of 
the home and the family, but husband and wife 
will need to come to an agreement, according to 
the principles of the "emotional bank account", 
whereby she can manage to keep on top of her 
domestic responsibilities without being over-
loaded. 
5. He should bring his wife gifts of clothing or 
jewellry: Such gifts express the love of a husband 
for his wife and his appreciation of her virtues. 
Such generosity can mend many marriages. It 
breathes a new air of life into a relationship. A 
husband should take his wife shopping for 
things she wants to buy. He should encourage 
her to do the things she wants to do sometimes 
to allow her to get out of the house occasionally. 
C.2.4 Five duties of a wife to her husband 
The duties of a wife to her husband are as follows: 
1. She see to the proper care of the household. The 
wife should see to it that the house become a 
heavenly mansion— the house should be peace-
ful, the food nourishing and appropriate in taste 
to the age and the health of the family members. 
2. She must take proper care of the 'in-laws'. The 
wife must look after her 'in-laws' especially well 
(within the limits of her convenience). She must 
be especially careful what she says to them be-
cause a few ill chosen words can have serious 
consequences. 
3. She must never be unfaithful: Because a Buddhist 
wife is a woman of virtue it goes without saying 
that she refrains from the Four Defilements of 
Action [kanimakilesa]: killing, stealing, adultery 
and telling lies. She would thus never be unfaith-
ful to her husband, because doing so would de-
stroy the human dignity of herself and her hus-
band. 
4. She must take good care of the shared wealth: A 
wife should look after the shared wealth of the 
household responsibly — being neither 
extravagent nor stingy. This implies that the hus-
band goes out to work but entrusts his wife with 
the money for the administration of the family 
finances. 
5. She must be conscientious in her responsibili-
ties: Having been entrusted with the responsi-
bility of looking after the household and the fam-
ily she should see to it that these duties are prop-
erly fulfilled — rather than lazing around at 
home or doing other work to the neglect of the 
household. 
C.2.5 Reciprocal relationship between husband 
and wife 
From the Singalovada Sutta we learn that a hus-
band has duties towards his wife and a wife has 
duties towards her husband. In the ideal world, 
both the husband and wife will fulfil their side of 
the bargain and in doing so, no danger will grow 
up in the relationship or for society at large — there 
will be happiness and prosperity both for husband, 
wife and society at large. 
If the husband fulfils his duties according to Bless-
ing Thirteen but the wife doesn't, it can be said that 
the wife has done nothing to deserve such a good 
husband. In addition, certain harm will come to the 
family. 
If the wife fulfils her duties according to Blessing 
Thirteen but the husband doesn't, it can be said that 
the husband has done nothing to deserve such a 
good wife. In addition, certain harm will come to 
the family. 
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If the neither the husband nor the wife fulfil their 
duties according to Blessing Thirteen, certain harm 
will come not only to the family but to society at 
large too. 
C.2.6 Ten further principles of happily married 
life 
Finally for the married couple we are fortunate to 
have passed down to us in the Buddhist tradition 
the ten-fold advice given to Visitkla by her father 
Dhanaficaya on the day of her wedding 
(DhA.i.384ff.): 
1. 
2. 
3. 
4. 
5. 
6. 
7. 
Don't let the fire inside go outside: don't go 
spreading the secret problems from inside the 
house for people outside to know about; 
Don't let the fire outside come inside: don't 
bring gossip of problems from elsewhere into 
the house, especially gossip that is of no benefit 
to know; 
Give to those who give to us: help those who 
have helped us in the past especially the par-
ents of both the husband and the wife. Let them 
borrow things. If you lend things to people and 
they return them punctually, you should lend 
things to them a second time; 
Don't give to those who give nothing to us: 
Don't lend things to people who never return 
them or return them late or to those who in the 
past have refused to help us even though it is 
withing their capability to do so; 
Whether they give or not, be generous anyway: 
Whether they have helped us before or not, if 
they are our relatives and they have fallen on 
hard times, you should help them anyway. It 
doesn't matter if they return money given or 
not because their inability to retum it is through 
circumstances beyond their control; 
Make sure that the food is amenable: Make sure 
the meals served to your family are nutricious 
— and serve your in-laws with good food too. 
You may have to eat after your children have 
finished their meal — but if all the family are 
well provided for in terms of food, you too will 
have no problems when it comes to eating; 
Find an amenable place to sib This means the 
wife must know relative level of respect due to 
others - for example it would be insulting to 
sit on a higher level than one's in-laws. 
8. Find an amenable place to sleep: You should 
make sure that the sleeping place of everyone 
in the family is restful. Be prepared to get up 
before anyone else in the family and go to sleep 
when everyone else has already gone to bed. 
9. Keep the fire going: that is to take special care of 
one's in-laws and husband when they are "on 
fire" (i.e. in a bad temper) — even if they should 
speak in an unpleasant way to us, it is neces-
sary to hold our silence instead of answering 
back— to say the right thing at the wrong time 
will only make the situation worse. Sometimes 
the wife must wait until things have "quietened 
down" before explaining the real reason for a 
situation. 
10. Be respectful to the angels: to congratulate one's 
husband or inlaws when they do something 
good or have experienced good luck. Our words 
of encouragement should lead them to ever 
better good deeds. 
C.2.7 Sharing spiritual practice 
You also need to be able to support your spouse 
spiritually. Any incompatabilities on a spiritual level 
discovered after marriage can by nurturing a mu-
tual interest in spiritual self-development: 
1. Persuade them to be generous, keep the Precepts, 
listen to sermons and meditate. Some are scared 
to encourage their spouse to have too much in-
volvement with spirituality in case they turn pro-
fessional and leave them to bring up the family 
alone. Some men say, "I want a wife in the home 
not a nun." However, if one's wife stays at home 
and also keeps the Precepts then we should be 
thankful (especially for the third precept). In the 
same way, wives can forbid their husbands from 
going to the temple more easily than they can 
prohibit them from unfaithfulness. At least if they 
go to the temple regularly they will be more 
motivated to be faithful to their wife. 
2. Teach your spouse how to do chanting so that 
they have a refuge for the mind. If people have 
fear and shame of evil then they have virtually 
no vulnerability to adultery. Chanting and re-
Blessing Thirteen: Cherishing our Husband or Wife 173 
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sped for the Triple Gem is the basis of fear and 
shame of evil. 
C.3 Analyzing marriage breakdown 
In the olden days, if a piece of a equipment or a 
pair of shoes were worn or broken, the owner would 
always take care to have it mended as new. No mat-
ter how much effort it took to have it mended, the 
owner would be prepared to make the sacrifices —
because it would be unthinkably extravagent to buy 
another piece of the same sort of equipment or a 
new pair of shoes for as long as there were even a 
remote possibility of mending the old. Our mod-
em society however, has turned into a 'throwaway' 
society. We replace things merely because they are 
worn, or obselete or unfashionable —and it is even 
a pleasure when something breaks because at last 
you have "a legitimate excuse" to buy a new one. 
Such attitudes towards possessions at the worst are 
wasteful, but when they are applied not to objects, 
but to friendships and marriages, they tend to lower 
one's threshold of patience and loyalty. 
Divorce is becoming so common in our society 
that in some countries, single-parent families are 
as common as those with both parents! How can 
we analyse a marriage that is breaking up in order 
to know whether a divorce is for the better or not? 
Basically there are only two scenarios — being 
bored of one's partner and being bored of marriage. 
In the first scenario one or both of the married 
partners feels that their marriage is not working and 
that they would be happier if they went to live with 
a certain other person. They want to "turn-in" their 
spouse in exchange for a new one! Such a divorce 
is a bad idea because what they fail to realize is that 
the faults they are trying to escape by divorce are 
not their ex-partner's, but their own! If they do di-
vorce, they will take these faults uncorrected to their 
next marriage and history will repeat itself. Thus 
rather than asking for a divorce, the person should 
get down to improving their own character in ear-
nest (starting with forgiveness and humility) 
thereby repairing the relationship.This scenario 
applies in 99% of cases. Be warned !— you have no 
idea before going through with a divorce how de-
structive it will be for yourself, your children, your 
reputation, your spiritual development and for eve-
ryone else you and your spouse know. 
In the second scenario, if after all efforts to amel-
iorate your marriage you realize that the problem 
is not with your spouse, but with marriage in gen-
eral, this may be a valid reason for a divorce. In 
such a case, you see though the folly of being in-
volved in a relationship at all. If the reason you want 
a divorce, is in order to upgrade the intensity of 
your spiritual vocation by leading a life of celibacy, 
with the genuine intention never again to enter into 
a new relationship,this is a valid reason to obtain a 
divorce. One should however, minimize the nega-
tive effects for any children you may have, by wait-
ing first until they are old enough to be independ-
ent of you. 
D. 1LLUS RA 
EXAM PULS 
D.1 Metaphor: Tongue & Teeth in close 
proximity 
When chewing one's food, if one's teeth and tongue 
fail to co-operate, biting one's tongue can be pain-
ful enough to bring tears to the eyes. In the same 
way, if a husband and wife fail to be helpful and 
understanding to one another, apart from making 
no progress in their married life, tears can be ex-
pected too in the long-term. 
13.2 Ex. Love beyond the grave 
In the Tang Dynasty an emperor who liked to per-
form a lot of merits. He had an empress who was 
not interested in any form of good deeds.Even when 
their country was invaded, the empress would not 
make any merit to help the situation. When her hus-
band sent her to make a merit she only pretended 
to go. When she came back she lied saying that she 
had already made the merit he sent her to do. The 
empress died in advance of the emperor. One day 
when the emperor was sleeping he drempt he saw 
the empress as a ghost crying and calling for help. 
In the morning the king thus called an assembly. 
He asked the monks what could be done. The 
monks told him that he needed to make a merit and 
transfer the merit to the late empress. If the ghost 
was able to rejoice in the merit then she would es-
cape from her ghostly rebirth for something better. 
The emperor thus organized a merit-making fit for 
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an emperor. He donated all the gold in his treas-
ury, all the servants, all the carriages, chariots and 
horses. He transferred merit for the next seven days. 
He slept again and drempt that he saw the empress 
now free from distress, thanking him. 
The tale of the emperor was therefore told by 
many generations of Chinese until more recently 
the whole subject of transferring merit has been mis-
understood. Because the normal people don't have 
the wealth of an emperor to make merit, they burn 
paper money, paper Mercedes, paper servants etc. 
to burn for their deceased relatives. It is tempting 
to think that nowadays deceased Chinese relatives 
get only ashes! 
D.3 Er. Reluctant marriage: the nun (DhAtiii.147,X) 
There was once a girl who had been going to 
the temple since the age of seven and had 
wanted to be a nun right from that time. Her 
parents didn't let her, saying that she must fin-
ish her studies. Thus as a child she did her duty 
to her best. When she finished her studies she 
asked her parents' permission to become a nun, 
but they refused saying that they wanted to see 
her married. Thus she was married and contin-
ued to do the best of her duties as a faithful wife. 
One day the husband was going to take his wife 
to a fair and said to her 'go and put on all your 
best jewellry so that you look the best at the fair'. 
The wife said, I don't see the point on putting 
on any more jewellry than this. The husband 
asked why not because he had already bought 
so many nice items of jewellry for her to wear. 
The wife said that really none of us have any 
beauty. The skin on our body just hides the pu-
trescence inside ourselves'. The husband teased 
'with that sort of thinking wouldn't you be bet-
ter off as a nun?' The wife replied, 'actually it is 
my dearest wish if you would only give your 
permission.' The husband allowed her and af-
ter becoming a bhikkhuai within a very short 
space of time, she could become enlightened. 
Whatever duty she had had to do in the past she 
had always done her best, thus when she was a 
nun, before long she could achieve what she had 
set out to do. 
114Er. Reluctant marriage: Mahakassapa (Ap.1583) 
Kassapa was the son of a rnillionnaire. His future 
wife was also the daughter of a rnillionnaire. Each 
of them lived in distant cities. The two families had 
heard the reputation of the other family's child and 
before long they sent messangers to arrange the 
marriage. Neither the bride nor the groom were 
interested in marriage. When they were both forced 
to marry then they did not rebel. HoweveK, because 
both of them were more interested in the Dhamma, 
after they were married they always slept in sepa-
rate rooms. Later when both of their parents had 
passed away, they persuaded each other to ordain. 
The husband became a monk. The wife became a 
nun. They left their house, gave away all their pos-
sessions. When they came to a fork in the road, they 
agreed that if they went together they might cause 
gossip so they decided to go their separate ways. 
Before long both of them met with those who could 
teach them the Dhamma and both could become 
arahants with ease. 
D.5 Er. Married spite beyond the grace (Dhil.i.47f1) 
There was once a good husband and wife. The wife 
was barren and felt sorry for the childless husband 
so she found a mistress for him. Both the wife and 
the mistress were good friends but all of us still 
have defilements and cannot be trusted. When the 
mistress got pregnant, the husband was so pleased 
that he lavished more affection on his mistress than 
on his wife. This made the wife envious because 
she thought to herself, "even when the child has 
not yet been born, my husband is already treating 
me with indifference. If the child is born, the hus-
band will certainly treat me with no more respect 
than a pig or a chicken around the house." Thus 
she thought 'time is of the essence' and found some 
poison that would cause abortion and tricked the 
mistress into drinking it. The first child was 
aborted. When she became pregnant a second time, 
the wife did the same again. By the third pregnancy, 
the mistress worked out what was happening and 
refused to take the 'medicine' thus there was a fight 
between the wife and the mistress. The wife killed 
the mistress who was almost defenceless because 
of her pregnancy. When the husband saw what had 
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happened he killed his wife. Before the mistress 
died she was so vengeful that she made the vow 
that she would kill and eat all the children of that 
wife in every future lifetime. When the mistress 
died she was reborn as a cat in the same house. 
The wife was born as a thicken in the same house. 
However many eggs the chicken laid, the cat would 
eat them all. The chicken was thus angry and be-
fore it died made the vow to eat all the children of 
the cat in the next lifetime.The chicken was reborn 
as a tiger and the cat was reborn as deer. The tiger 
ate all the baby deer. This carried on the same until 
the final lifetime when the wife was born as a man-
eating ogress. The mistress was born married to 
the same husband again.The man-eating ogress ate 
up the first and second children of the couple. 
When the third child was born, the mother real-
ized in time and quickly took the child to where 
the Lord Buddha was staying. As soon as the man-
eating ogress followed the mother into the temple, 
its temptation to eat people disappeared. The Bud-
dha summoned both of the two. The Buddha 
looked at their previous lives and made the pic-
tures of their past visible for others to see as well. 
Having seen the pictures, both of the women knew 
the reasons for everything and so were able to for-
give one another. The ogress was able to become a 
stream-enterer. The mistress attained faith in 
theTriple Gem.The ogress didn't know how to earn 
her living so the mistress brought her home and 
looked after her like a daughter. The ogress knew 
in advance what the seasons of the year would be 
like — whether there would be drought or flood 
and the forecast she passed on to her caretakers 
and they were able to become wealthy. The moral 
of this story is don't go looking for mistresses to 
help any situation because we all still have defile-
ments. 
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Blessing Fourteen: 
Not Leaving one's 
Work Undone 
A. INTRODIR. HON 
A.1 The "work ethic" in Buddhism 
Like many other spiritual traditions, Buddhism is 
a religion which supports the "work ethic". Bud-
dhism is not a religion to tolerate lazy people. Even 
if you have already fulfilled all the blessings in this 
grouping by cherishing your parents, children and 
spouse, if you neglect to be lively in earning your 
living, harmony in the family will not come about 
because of financial difficulties. From a financial 
point view is necessary to devote oneself to earn-
ing one's living in order to support one's children, 
to have a legacy to pass on to one's children, to sup-
port one's spouse and cherish one's parents. 
In Buddhism it is also seen as dutiful to work hard 
because out of gratitude, one recognizes that in or-
der to come to working age at all, we are a result of 
considerable investment of time, money, education, 
love and patience by parents, teachers and state 
alike and if we don't put our skills into action, then 
that investment and good will would go to waste. 
Thus in Buddhism a lazy person is also seen as an 
ungrateful person. 
Supposing you are already someone who has 
knowledge (Blessing Nine), practical skills (Blessing 
Ten), it doesn't mean that you will automatically be 
effective in doing your work. Some people with the 
best of education and experience, make no impact 
on their work if they never get round to doing it. 
Many think that the reason for procrastination is 
laziness on the part of the person involved. How-
ever in recent academic studies, it turns out that 
the reason we don't do things even when we know 
it is a good idea is often much more varied. 
• procrastination coming from fear especially the 
fear of being judged to lack ability. Such people 
have an inferiority complex over their ability and 
would rather be seen to fail in a task because of 
procrastination (lack of time) that because of lack 
of ability. Thus the slip-shod work of the final 
minute rush means that procrastination is an 
excuse for mediocrity. 
• procrastination because of perfectionism: some 
people have been brought up with the fear of 
doing too well, or appearing too keen, or being 
a "goody-goody". Consequently they procrasti-
nate, not putting in their best, so that if the re-
sults come out well, it doesn't look intentional 
or magnifies the myth of 'latent ability'. 
• procrastination front the misconception that 
work expands to fill the time available: Some 
people are disorganized to the degree that they 
feel they have no control over the time they 
spend on any task. Therefore they leave tasks to 
the last minute in order to 'save time'. However 
the results of the work often leaves a lot to be 
desired. 
• procrastination because of resentment of control: 
(e.g. when a person doesn't like their boss). Here 
procrastination serves as a way to give power to 
the underdog, to say "get off my back", as a sort 
of game where people try to beat the clock, or 
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reminding others of things they are starting to 
take for granted (when the person is not asser-
five enough to say 'no' directly). 
• procrastination is sometimes used to control 
distance in relationships: to make a person more 
or less reliant on another person or persons. 
Whatever the reason, the Buddha taught that pro-
crastination either in worldly or spiritual work will 
limit one's ability to earn one's living and the re-
sult will be to destroy harmony in one's family life. 
k. WHAT IS 1% ORK? 
B.1 Definition of work: physical and spiritual 
When we talk of 'work' in a religious context we 
mean 'a means of earning our living'. We cannot 
survive without money. We have to have something 
to eat — but don't forget that food is of many types 
... It is just like a tree needs food, but the food that 
nourishes it is sucked up through the roots.The food 
for a light bulb is electrical current. Because work 
is simply a means of earning our living we thus 
divide work into two main components, neither of 
which we can afford to leave undone: 
• food for the body: For our body we need solid 
food. To get the food we need for our body we 
must find ourselves a job or a career. Work 
(physical) means the means by which we can 
nourish our body and its scope also reaches to 
such things as maintaining harmony with the 
other people around us. 
• food for the mind: food suitable for the mind is 
"merit" i.e. the fruits of our good deeds and spir-
itual development. Working on the mind doesn't 
just mean feeling contented the whole of the time, 
but also to develop the mind to become wiser 
too. 
C. UM INISHED WORK 
C./ Why work left unfinished 
Some people in an office get a reputation for leav-
ing a baddogue of work Every piece of work which 
involves them in any way can be easily found be-
cause it is always on that person's desk unfinished. 
They have two baskets on their desk, an 'in' basket 
and an 'out' basket. The 'in' basket is always stacked 
up higher than their head, but there is never any-
thing in the 'out' tray. Thus if you have lost a par-
ticular document people in the office say playfully 
"If you want to find finished work go to Mr. A but 
if you want find unfinished work go to Mr. B be-
cause it is all on his desk!" The same is true for stu-
dents always leaving the revision until the exams 
are close. If you want to look at why work is left 
unfinished, in almost every case you can general-
ize down to four basic reasons: 
1. wrong timing: Doing the work at the wrong time 
or with the wrong timing. If you do the work at 
the wrong time such as ploughing a field out of 
season, weeds will choke the bare soil before you 
manage to sow your crops (hasty in things that 
don't require it) or else wait until it's too late be-
fore you start doing something (slow in things that 
should have been finished long ago) e.g. someone 
who doesn't study when he has the opportunity 
as a child and has to do his studies when he too 
old to remember anything. ('Make hay while the 
sun shines' but 'More haste less speed'). Same for 
people who wait until they are old before becom-
ing interested in training the mind. Work which 
needs to be done patiently (e.g. throwing a pot 
of clay) or driving at the same speed as the rest 
of the traffic. Meditation needs you to be patient, 
like waiting for crops to grow or like a hen hatch-
ing an egg where the mother hen must wait thirty 
days whether the mother hen must wait thirty 
days regardless. If things have a fixed period or 
cycle there is not point rushing them. Also if you 
rush into something and do it wrongly as the 
result you will waste both time, money and mo-
rale because instead of doing it only once (cor-
rectly) you have to do it three times (do it wrongly, 
undo it and re-do it) and on every time there is no 
satisfaction from your achievement. Better to do 
things cautiously so you can get it right from the 
start. With meditation also you cannot rush to 
bring the mind to a standstill. You cannot achieve 
overnight success in meditation (except for 
0.00001% of people in very exceptional 
circumstances).You have to be able to tell 
whether what you are doing is the sort of work 
where the time spent is fixed or whether it is 
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something that can be hurried. If it is to take a 
fixed length of time, then you have to put up 
with waiting. Howevet, if it is something that 
can be done more quickly then it can be hurried 
so that you have more time to speak to others. 
2. wrong technique: An example of doing things 
by the wrong technique is trying to work indi-
vidually when the task requires teamwork or di-
viding up your time wrongly spending too long 
doing any one question in an examination pa-
per — the result is that you run out of motiva-
tion to do the work at all. 
3. never getting started: There are many reasons 
why people prevaricate instead of starting to do 
things. One reason is those wait for the auspi-
cious time by studying horoscopes. Meditators 
however, are those who take their destiny in their 
own hands and don't wait for astrologers to or-
ganize their lives for them. Any time when you 
get round to doing good deeds, then the simple 
act of getting down to doing it will be auspicious 
itself. If you want to know whether it is the aus-
picious time to do something or not, don't waste 
money to see a fortune teller but instead use your 
powers of observation and experience to see 
whether you are ready and prepared to do the 
task in hand. If by common sense you have dis-
cerned that you are ready to do something, there 
is a good chance that getting started will yield 
success. 
4. not genuine in one's efforts: Not being genuine 
in one's efforts means getting one's priorities 
wrong. Instead of realizing how important your 
work is, you neglect it in favour of something 
more trivial. Common distractions that get in the 
way of our work are as follows: 
• eating. The way to cure such a habit is to go 
on a meditation retreat where you must eat 
food all mixed up together or eat only one 
meal a day. 
• sleeping. To train yourself to sleep no more 
than you need to you have to train yourself 
from an early age. 
• alcohol: because they are more interested in 
consuming alcahol or other intoxicants that 
dull the mind. To overcome such a tendency 
you need to abstain from consuming these 
substances. 
• courting lovers: Some do no work because 
they are more interested in boy/girlfriends 
and spend all day looking in their diary... 
• entertainment: some take their leisure time 
more seriously than their time at work to the 
neglect of earning their living. 
• gambling: because they are more interested 
in gambling — they have no time for work-
ing and burn up all their savings. 
• bad friends: modelling oneself on bad friends 
who neglect their work will make us more 
lazy 
• laziness: when people become lazy they have 
excuses for everything excuses— where work 
is concerned if it is not too hot it is too cold, if 
it is not too early it is too late. 
• incompatible working hours: This is not the 
same as being more interested in sleeping but 
leads to failure in work because they work at 
a time which doesn't fit in with other people. 
D. S i RA 11,GILS FOR NON-PRONARR Al ION 
D.1 Those who are successful in work 
Thus if you want to be successful in whatever you 
do you must: 
I. Do it at the right time 
2. Do it in the appropriate way 
3. Get round to doing it 
4. Do it enthusiastically and conscientiously 
The signs of someone who will be successful in their 
work are as follows: 
1. Approaching work in the appropriate way 
Ipatiritpaleari]. You must have learned from 
Mangala 7 and 8 before you can achieve this. 
When you are new to work you have to learn 
from your errors. You need to be observant 
and patient to obtain this characteristic. 
2. Loving work and challenges to one's ability 
Idhuraval. Not to look down on work of any 
sort. 
3. Keenness and quickness in work and enthu-
siastic, lively & active [uttata]. If you do find 
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that you are lethargic then maybe you should 
take up sport. 
(Alavaka Sutta S.i.214) 
D.2 Recipe for success in worldly & spiritual work 
Success in one's work will be attained more easily, 
whether it be worldly or spiritual work, if one is 
able to put into practice the following four princi-
ples called the "Four Foundations of Success" 
[iddhipada] applicable to all types of work, worldly 
or spiritual. Practising towards success comes in 
four stages: 
1. initial motivation Ichandal: With work you 
need the willingness to get down and do the 
work. Without this, you will never get down 
to doing it. For spiritual practice it is also im-
portant to try to find the initial motivation to 
cultivate yourself. Don't wait for the mood to 
work or cultivate yourself to accidentally hap-
pen — look for ways to create the right mood! 
It means looking forward to the practice of 
meditation. Sitting down to meditate like a 
mercenery or even forcing yourself to do the 
practice will never give you the results for 
which you are seeking. 
2. initial application Iviriya]: The next thing 
which you require is actually to get down to 
work in the proper way — starting as you 
mean to go on. This often means achieving 
an optimal balance between productivity and 
enjoyment (mindfulness and comfort for 
meditation). 
3. sustained applicationrcitta]: Starting out well 
is not enough however, and you have to be 
able to keep up the good work if you are to 
succeed. You need to be consistent about your 
work or spiritual practice meditation setting 
aside time for both each day — and not giv-
ing in to exceptions and excuses. For work you 
need to keep going until you bring the task to 
completion, for meditation you need to culti-
vate mindfulness until it is something you can 
maintain twenty-four hours-a-day. 
4. retrospective analysis [vinzatnsit]: you need 
to back over your work and give yourself 
feedback looking for ever better and more ef-
ficient ways to do the same task in the future. 
In spiritual practice you need to be observ-
ant. You need regularly to examine your own 
performance remedying your weaknesses as 
quickly as possible so that they no longer im-
pede your worldly and spiritual progress. If 
you experience success, you should remem-
ber the reasons for your success so that you 
can apply it on future occasions. 
.221, Vbh.216 
If you can follow these four simple principles in 
your professional and spiritual work, success is only 
just around the corner. 
L. ILLUS I RAI WE TALES 
.E.1 Metaphor. Those who are patient... 
Those who work without interest whether it is hot 
or cold, persevering like the toughest of grass, dedi-
cating their manly strength to their business, will 
not fall away from happiness. 
£2 Metaphor: Just as dung accumulates on a 
pig's tail 
The nature of dung on the tail of a pig is to accu-
mulate with the passing of the days making it in-
creasingly difficult for the pig to find happiness in 
its daily life. The work a person leaves unfinished 
is of the nature to impede their prosperity. A per-
son's value is proportional to the work they com-
plete. The work they leave undone detracts from 
their value. 
E.3 Er. Culakasetthi jataka (J.4) 
There was once a millionnaire and his servant who 
were travelling in a cart in the middle of India. The 
millionnaire saw a dead mouse at the side of the 
road and pointed it out to his servant saying 'if 
someone had proper principles of working as a 
salesman even with such a dead mouse as this he 
could set himself up in life.' The servant immedi-
ately got down from the cart and allowed the 
millionnaire to go home alone. He picked up the 
mouse and because he knew a lot of people in the 
area, he selected a house where he knew someone 
with compassion who kept cats was living and took 
the mouse there. He knew that compassionate peo-
ple won't kill mice but at the same time the cat has 
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